I feel crappy Percy123: I feel crappy about me today and for the last few days. I have been out of my relationship for a long time but am re-dealing with emotions. 2 reasons I think. One is that it is a time of year where I am idle in my busness and I have a lot of time to reflect and sit. Second reason was hearing of ex re-marriage and baby. Both things are contributing to dwelling on this issue.
My life had completely moved on and I am happy with who I am, but these last few weeks have been hard, bringing me back to fond memories and a sense of loss. I am re-grieving and I don't like it. As much as I try, I can't hold on to the reality of why I left and how toxic and unhealthy life with her was....
When I hear of her being married, I get resentful that hse has moved on, and that someone else has the gravy I worked so hard to get. I dealt with all the travelling for the job, the depression, the hardships and someone else gets the girl and the family I wanted.
I keep trying to reassure myself had I stayed with her, I would have been divorced soon enough and that the relationship was unfullfilling but my brain turns it into something it wasn't. It is like time is playing a cruel joke on me.
This crap should be long behind me and I should not care what she is doing or be concerned over the quality of her life but I am. I can't dimiss it and it bugs me. I have a wound that won't seem to scab over. I am hoping that these factors are just waking up a little unfinshed grieving and this will pass. I was guilty of repressing a lot of my grief as I cared for a dying parent at time of divorce and maybe that contributed to this condition. I looked up a lot of info on grief and how it occurs and some of it re-inforces this situation. Repressed grief can surface at anytime and maybe it is just that and I am not a nut-job.
This bitch has caused me so many hours in the past of stress, uncertainty and grief it is unimaginable. She has cost me years of progress in my life and her emotional damage and personality problems have cost her family and me thousands in picking up the pieces of her poor decisions and selfish acts. Somehow in all this, all I can remember is bike rides and picking rasberries with her...Somebody shoot me!
Re: I feel crappy sosad05: (((HUGS)))
I know its rough. Its sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You can message me anytime.
Re: I feel crappy hope: I'm sorry Percy that you're having a hard time now. I felt a lot of "shoulds" in your post. You know how ever you feel is valid, there is no way you should feel or any law that says you shoud be totally over it. That being said, I know that being totally over it would probably feel nice. But beating yourself up is unnecessary and you don't deserve to hurt about this even more.
Sounds like you've been through a lot the past few years, not just the divorce. Give yourself a break, all that would get to the best of us, right?
And maybe you did have fond memories and nice times with her. I had great, wonderful times with my ex. But I know that that doesn't mean we should be married, you know? Both exist at the same time.
Sometimes I think I hold on to the grief because it's all I have left of that part of my life. When I let that go, it's gone forever. I don't think I'm ready to deal with that just yet.
Re: I feel crappy Percy123: Those are wise words and I appreciate it. It is like I said, the wound is just opened again and bleeding.
My problem is I did let go of the grief. Life was pretty good and I thought I had a handle on everything. She is the gift that keeps giving. Now I am trying to explore this process and let it all out. I am talking my butt off about it, not fighting the tears and trying to get out any cobwebbs so I can be done. In doing that I feel bad about myself as if I am not letting go or I think I should be long done with this process.
This is my first time being divorced so I really don't know how to do it well. I am learning and the next few should be easier....laughing
Re: I feel crappy flizmo_kid: I can relate to this as well -- the thoughts of the good times creep in from time to time, and out of nowhere making me question things. However, I keep trying to remind myself of the progress i have made, and even though I am single again, that somehow, in the distance, those times will come to fruition again. It is hard (knowing now that she is shacked up with another), however, as I keep reminding myself of the good things that I have overcome, and trying to keep positive, it makes it easier.
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