Need some advice please from people who have been on the verge of a breakup Sarah: Hi, I am 29 years old and have been in a serious, committed relationship for about two years (9 months of which were spend living apart and the rest together). The reasons that I am contemplating a breakup is because my partner has a number of issues that particularly disturb me but that he has made strides to change (e.g. ending his cocaine and marijuana use, become more communicative of our problems, etc.) However, he still drinks to excess and that's when the major problems seem to occur. He doesn't understand that because of his past behaviour and lies to me about it that I still don't completely trust him when he goes out and is unwilling to keep in contact with me when he is out and about without me (situations that previously have led to lies about drug use). For example, tonight he was over an hour and half late coming home from a night out drinking with his buddies. All I wanted was a phone call telling me he would be late and I would have been fine. When that didn't happen I got angry in which response he got even more angry and told me to f-ck off and just leave (our shared condo). I really have to clout in this argument as I am a grad student and have no money (so it really is his place even though we've lived together over a year).
On one hand I feel like his past lying (although to my knowledge this has ceased) gives me just cause to be upset that he didn't even have the decency to call and let me know what is going on. From his perspective I appear controlling of his actions - which he deems to be "unacceptable" and that he won't "live on such a short lease."
I am losing perspective on what I should do. I feel completely lost and cannot decide whether or not our relationship is worth saving. We have a puppy together that I absolutely adore and have basically raised since he was eight months old - but since I didn't pay for him it has been made in no uncertain terms that I not get the dog. Furthermore, any time we get into an argument he screams at me to pack my stuff up and "get the hell out of HIS house."
I guess I am just scared to leave. For the most part I love our relationship but even as I am writing this I know it sounds like a bad choice to stay -but like I said, I am scared. I am in grad school with no money of my own and I really love this guy even though he does make me so sad and hurt.
Can this be healed? Will he change? Should I just leave?
I feel like I am getting way to old to find anyone else. Not to sound contrite, but I really do feel like my biological clock is ticking, yet at the same time I know I can't feel so miserable all the time.
Am I being unreasonable in my expectations of him?
Any and all advice would be so greatly appreciated. I feel like I need all the support I can get. [move"> [/move"> Thank you.
Re: Need some advice please from people who have been on the verge of a breakup Grenn: Hi - drug use never seemd to end for the people who like to. Tried it once myself, and it did nothing for me - as for what you could do?
Option 1: Pack your bags and get the hell out of Dodge - I assure you, frequent drug use leads to nothing but more drug use and a host of problems that inevitably follow.
Option 2: Accept him the way he is and the inevitable problems that follow.
Re: Need some advice please from people who have been on the verge of a breakup maurice: My suggestions is to let him know that you are no longer interested in "controlling his life". This is how he feels you are behaving and his feelings are as important as your own. In a way, you are trying to control him, for better or worse. Oh how grand would life be if we could force others to do what we know is right?!? But... it's life, we can't.
The best thing he can do is get into counseling and AA for his problems. Unfortunately, he may not be willing. My advice is to let him know that his current actions and drinking are a "deal breaker". Something that you won't put up with any longer. Sometimes us men need a clear statement that we are doing something wrong and that an action is needed for a change. If he is unwilling, you have your answer.
Sorry if this is more of a "do this" then an "I hear what you are saying and commiserate." I was on the other side with my own bad habits and my xw left while saying that I should get counseling. She felt her hints should be enough for me to know it wasn't ok. While she may be right, I didn't get it and got stomped on. Please, at least try to let him know what you expect of him with no beating around the bush before you out-right leave. And... just a suggestion, don't do it when he comes home from drinking but when you are both sober and ready to talk.
Re: Need some advice please from people who have been on the verge of a breakup glamgurl: I can totally relate to your situation. I have a similar story of my own. It is really hard to trust again when the other person is not making the effort. My conclusion on the phone calls with my bf was it must not have been that important to him even though it was something so simple and so important to me. He has to meet you halfway to earn his trust back. Meanwhile keep your independence!
Re: Need some advice please from people who have been on the verge of a breakup cole: You have lived together for 15 months, has it gotten better/worse? Addicts usually need to come to an abrupt hault, don't stay if hes only going for a gradal change.
Click More for the next page.
