Not who I once was... yella: My ex has come barrelling into my life again, and swooping in to try to take control of us. He denies it because he's psycho, but it's a fact.
When I see him, I forget that I'm not the person I once was, and that I'm a good mom and a good person. Instantly, all of the work I've done gets swept away, and I'm a complete and total emotional mess. I get knocked down to nothing. Even physically, I begin to slouch, and I don't sit up straight and almost paralyzed with fear.
Even with all of the therapy, I still get that way. I have no idea if that will ever go away. I just wish it would. I don't understand why it gets to me, but I'm deathly afraid of him, or maybe afraid that he makes me see who I am... a failure.
Maybe I'm not a good person. Maybe I'm not worth anything, and maybe I'll never be good enough. Maybe he's right. I'm nothing. I'm not smart, I'm not responsible, and I'm not as good as the front I try to put on. Maybe I can't provide for my kids. So, maybe I am the person I was before... only worse.
I'm a neurotic loudmouth who's whiney, annoying, scatterbrained, and attention seeking. I'm everything people think of me.
So, I guess he did get what he wanted. Now I just want to curl up and disappear. Maybe I should.
Add self pity to that list. ::)
Re: Not who I once was... CDNgurl: Smiley - what do the people who love you think of you?
What do your children think of you? What do the people who MATTER think of you?
just askin ;)
From the outside.. looks like you're being awfully hard on yourself.
Re: Not who I once was... yella: I know I'm letting him get to me. I always do, and can't seem to pull myself out of it. It feels like the failure feeling over shadows what the people I love think about me. Like the good things don't matter nearly as much as the bad.
If I told you about my kids and how they feel, which is good, I'd cry, and I'm trying so hard not to do that here. :-\
Re: Not who I once was... CDNgurl: Big Hug for you today.
.. and I think you know what your Ojar friends think of you. :-*
Re: Not who I once was... yella: Thank you, Girl. :-*
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