Taking a break from a friendship Topaz: I have a friend that I've known since our children were babies. She has a little boy who's a year younger than my daughter and the kids get along great.
For a long time, I was untroubled by our friendship. Over time I started to notice little things that first I minimized in importance and slowly have started to pay more attention to.
The first red flag moment was my first birthday after my ex and I broke up. She gave me a birthday card that said, "I hope that better days are around the bend...or maybe it's a question of attitude." When I first read it, I didn't understand what she meant and felt vaguely confused by it.
Later on, a married man that we both know was hitting on me. I told her about it. Her response was that I brought it on myself and that I shouldn't encourage philandering.
We had an arrangement for a while that my ex would drop off my daughter afterschool at her house on Tuesday afternoons, and her son would play at our house on Saturday afternoons.
My friend is homeschooling her little boy, which I think is admirable. What I don't find so admirable is her attitude that all other children that go to formal school are corrupted and that her own child's poo don't stink. She rarely has anything nice to say about other children, so I can only imagine what she says about us when we're not around.
I would notice her making comments to my daughter at pick up time like, "You were a good example today, since you didn't teach my son all those potty words like you did before." But if I ever made some comment to her son about, say, not picking his nose or using potty words himself, she would immediately say, "Oh, he wouldn't do that" or "he must have learned that from her".
The last time my daughter went there after school, her son was running around the house with a butter knife and poking my daughter with it, and my friend did nothing about it.
I decided to put my daughter in her school's afterschool program, and I told my friend that my daughter wasn't coming anymore because she wanted to be in afterschool, which is partially true.
The last time she called was last week. When I answered the phone, I said, "how are you?" She said, "Oh, happy, well-adjusted...no problems. And you?" I answered, "me, too." To which she said, "Really?" At that point, I was ready to hang up the phone. She wanted to get together, and I managed to skirt the invite.
I don't want to formally blow her off, but I do want to take a break. The one I'm concerned about is my daughter, who really loves her son.
Re: Taking a break from a friendship ChristyM: This is a bummer Trixie. I've had friends like this too and when the toxicity level got too high, I bailed.
Even though it might bum out your daughter, you know it will just be short term. She will meet all sorts of kids in the afterschool program and be just fine.
You can either just slowly separate yourself from this friend or be brutally honest and let the chips fall where they may. Usually when I've reached my breaking point I have nothing to lose by being not being honest.
Christy
Re: Taking a break from a friendship picadilly: Home schooling is a great thing for kids & parents to bond if it's handled correctly & sounds like your friend isn't handling it very well. Kids need time to socialize or when he's older, it won't be a butter knife he's poking other people with... maybe that's an extreme case but they don't learn social skills locked alone at home with only their mother to play with... shades of Water Boy, the movie.
Step back from this toxic 'friendship' & get some new friends with kids... maybe in time she will come to see her errors, maybe not, but there is no need to subject your child to that, she doesn't need negative reinforcement from someone in her life at this stage in her mental development.
Re: Taking a break from a friendship Topaz: Thank you both for your nice responses. I appreciate the support. This is very hard for me, because I don't like losing friends.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too reactive or paranoid. I also don't want to alienate people simply because we don't see eye to eye on everything. But I also got to the point where I couldn't see this particular friendship continuing in any fulfilling, supportive way for the time being.
I didn't want to let it go because not only do our kids like each other, I like her a lot as a person. And we live just around the corner from each other. But I became aware of her controlling tendencies. When she called last weekend to make weekend plans with us, as usual it was all about what she wanted to do.
The arc of our lives has been pretty different. Even though she's also a divorcee (on her second marriage) I haven't found her to be very understanding or empathetic about what I've gone through or any of my other life issues. I find it difficult to be myself around her, especially if I'm going through hard times.
She joined a homeschooling association and has made friends with some of the other homeschooling parents. I don't think her son is completely isolated, not by a long shot. But he definitely doesn't get the idea of structured activity (my friend thinks that structure is a dirty word).
Re: Taking a break from a friendship ChristyM: I know what you mean about not losing friends but come on ... you say these positive things about her but they only appear to be "surface" things ... location, you both have children, marital status, etc. The down deep important qualities are the ones you don't share ... empathy, comfort, giving, patience, etc. The answer might be to just limit your time with her in situations you know you can handle. Obviously it can't continue the way it is b/c your parenting styles and attitudes are vastly different. That's ok if you will only be together periodically and in amounts you can handle :) Otherwise, it will drive you insane. My sister-in-law was a lot like your friend and my ex and I would have to step in and say something when her son was beating up on my daughter or doing something inappropriate. They didn't seem to care and always felt we were too strict with our daughter. Let me tell you, her son turned out to be the hellion :D
Good luck Trixie.
Christy
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