Is this the end...? jakebarnez: We have been married for four years. Ours was a love story that seemed like a fairytale. We met when I was working abroad for two years, she was a talented artist with a streak of fire in her that I fell in love with. The romance was intense and after a courtship of nine months we had a wedding in her country. A foreigner to her world, a foreigner to mine.
After we arrived in America things began a long downward trend. Sex fell off. The intensity of paying bills, her looking for work, me looking for a career weighed on us. Arguments began. We looked at one another no longer as fun partners, but as obstacles. As I tried to make her comfortable, with friends she'd turn to magazines on the coffee table. My friends were "boring" America was "stale" we were getting "old" and she thought of herself as wasting time here. The life I believed we were building together wound up with both of us in graduate school -- we worked, talked and laughed. There was always friendship. We never cheated on one another. We struggled but it was always a sort of melancoly.
When we talked of having children I always felt as if I was on the outside talking about it, besides, how could you have children if you were only having sex once every three months?
We have been, more or less, financially mobile and steadily growing but the spark from when we met was gone, and the most of the fun with it. Our weekends spent nit picking one another's faults. She talked of how we weren't buying houses like our friends, or having kids like our friends, to which I would say, "we are not our friends."
In the last 6 months the big decline occurred. I went to Chile for a job assignment that took me away from her for 3 months. While I was there her contact with me was almost non-existant. I tried writing long, lengthy emails to connect with her, she responded with one or two sentences of trivialities. When we'd talk it was business first, bills, future plans, etc.. Being alone, fending for yourself in a strange place you need some sense of connection, right? Finally, I gave up trying and spent the last month just trying to make friends in Santiago, get my work done and enjoy myself. It became clear to me that I did not get what I needed from her, the simple act of becoming close with friends, men and women, was a relief to me -- I felt better about who I was, and what my life was about. When I got back I confessed to her that I felt things were not right, that although I did not cheat on her I felt close to it while I was away.
She responded that she was glad we could be open, that it was hard for her -- that her life was busy while I was gone, and that she did miss me. I had the strength, at first, to end it there and say, "let's just move on." but I didn't. I wanted to give it a last go.
How do you know, really know when it is time to call it quits? When there is no bad guy, no major fight? When there is no affair, or abuse -- but a sense that the life goals of the two have split off that same path? That what you lost and you can't seem to find it anymore? Is this the end because it hurts like the end, it hurts and it scares me because I never wanted to hurt her in a million years but I don't feel I'm getting what I need still, three months after I came back. Because she comes home and barely touches me, and because I feel as if life is slipping before me and all we can talk about is how she hates her job, and how do you end it then when you are scared to walk away?
Any advice would be treasured....
-JB
Re: Is this the end...? pluscachange: Jesus. I have no advice but am looking for exactly the same answer to pretty much exactly the same question.
Re: Is this the end...? octoberbaby: Maybe try marriage counseling before you end it for good....it sometimes does a world of good for you...Good luck
Re: Is this the end...? jakebarnez: She doesn't believe in marriage counseling. I'm willing to try but she has a dark humor about the marriage, our problems and even looking for advice from books, etc..
Re: Is this the end...? tryingtosmile: It sounds like in your case, you have both grown apart and feel sort of the same way about your relationship. It doesn't appear that it is only one-sided, but more mutual. I applaud you for talking to your wife about how you feel. That is a great first step, and one that many spouses (like mine) never take. I think it comes down to deciding if you want to try to make it work one more time before calling it quits. If both of you truly want to work on your marriage, then it could happen. But both of you have to want that. You mentioned that your wife wouldn't consider counseling, but that would actually be a great idea for the two of you. However, you can't force her to go so I would suggest that you go to counseling alone. Work on yourself and on figuring out what it is you truly want and why you are feeling so unhappy. Counseling may give you some of the answers you are searching for. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, but you did mention that you aren't getting "what you need" from this marriage. However, you don't say what it is that you need. More affection? More sex? A spark? Those are things that can be brought back into a relationship, but again, both parties have to be willing to work on things. And you really have to communicate.
Good luck with your decision, because it won't be easy. Then again, nothing worth having is ever "easy". Hang in there and keep us posted...
:-\
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