Re: Is this the end...? scrambler: I can relate to one person reaching out across great distance, but the other being partner being very cold
I have sent those same emails & it seems to have had the opposite effect that I was looking for
I keep pushing, but the logical voice in me reasons enough is enough
Re: Is this the end...? dealingwithit: You said about she comes home and barely touches you, have you tried initiating the touching or intamacy she could be waiting for you and here you both are waiting for each other to do something and neither one of you are, so be the 1st to take the initiative and stay consistent for a time period and maybe she will start to respond back it takes time and commitment but, give it a try what have you got to lose a little time and effort, and if things start to turn around you will have more to gain. Best of luck to you
Re: Is this the end...? alonewith2: First I wanted to commend Soreheart for being able to look at her situation from that viewpoint. Most people who are left don't try to see it from the other's perspective and it seems she is not only looking at it from his perspective but also she can understand what is going on and what may or may not happen logically.
Second, I agree with Magalucia concerning the fairytale aspect. The fairytale feelings were of a different time, different place. A world of opportunity at your feet. As you move in life, changes will occur. It isn't logical to expect that same fairy tale feeling to follow you where ever you go.
If you don't feel that you can compromise and give her what she needs while she's compromising to give you what you need, then it probably won't work. Most approach relationships giving what WE need to the other because that's all we can see. We think "this is what I need, so it must be what she needs." But that's not what relationships are about. It is about giving what the other needs while receiving what we need from them. It seems you need joy and adventure while she needs a family and stability. Why can't you two compromise/find an even ground in order to give what the other needs? It seems you two are playing a tug of war match. Each wanting your own needs met without having to give the other what they want first. A power struggle, if you will instead of offering a compromise as in "if you give me this, I'll give you that" which may lead to progress instead of stagnation.
Re: Is this the end...? lgv: I agree with the advice my fellow Ojarians have given to you. However, there is another element to things that I do want to point out and something that although not directly and obviously implicit in the current situation, it might be impacting your wife's emotional space.
Like your wife, I am a foreigner and I moved to the States to be with my husband. At first, the cultural differences were embraced and looked with positivity. I was excited about learning the ways of a different culture and learning about his background. I am sure you can relate to this as you were living abroad for a couple of years, however, there i a difference when you have the knowledge that it is only temporary and that you will return to your country.
When you move to another country for good, after a while, you lose the feeling of 'home' because you never truly belong here (new country) nor there (home country.) There is always the "oh, you have an accent, where are you from?" and the constant reminder that you are indeed foreign, sometimes gets to you. There is an internal conflict, and like a snail, you carry your own "home." It is difficult not being able to relate to other people, simple things like talking about the cartoons you watched as a child, the food you ate, what was trendy when you were a teenager, etc. all of these seemingly unimportant things become important because they are part of your social, cultural, family, religious, sexual background, part of the context in where you grew up and helped shape you.
The good news is you both can successfully embrace those differences and use them to explore your own paradigm. It is amazing how much you learn from your own culture by learning another one, and in such an exploration, you can discover much of who you are and how the social constraints of your own culture you have internalised and break away from them is you so choose. Now taking this to a relationship, it can give you both the power to solidify and strengthen your relationship by learning more about each other.
The bad news is that it is extremely difficult and it takes a lot of energy and patience to learn that there is no "right or wrong way of doing/feeling X thing" it is just a different approach. Communication is so important, as clearly and open as possible to allow the two of you to understand what is going on, since again, you have the difference of language, and I do not mean it only literally, but the way of interacting with another person.
Finally, re-read the first paragraph you wrote in this post. A love story like a fairy tale, full of romance and passion. Sure, the fairy tale cannot exist 100% of the time, because the daily routine comes in and takes the magic away. You said you consider yourself to be an understanding and passionate person and that you feel your wife does not need passion, does not need to be cared for or is afraid of opening up and sharing her life. You mentioned that when you met her one of the things that attracted you to her was her intensity, her fire and her as an artist. So she used to need passion and intensity. It is a matter of regaining that romance and fire back. Talk to her, you have nothing to lose.
Re: Is this the end...? jakebarnez: Since I last posted we have talked. . . a lot. Her and I have no problem talking, we talk about everything.
Wait, before I say anything -- let me just express my gratitude for everyone's thoughts.
Here's some things to clarify. First, yes - I said our relationship seemed like a fairy tale. Did I expect it to stay that way -- no. I did expect us to progress and find an even balance where we felt that we could compromise, I expected us to be happy with what we had and when we had it. To enjoy the struggle of life together and not believe that "we're screwed" every time something bad comes up, or some hardships occur. Marriage, to me, is about getting through it with the other person, about not being afraid to fail together and willing to laugh. What if I give her stablity, comfort, a shoulder to cry on -- but I don't get that back?
Next, I don't need adventure and romance and she doesn't want stability and family -- in fact I think that's reversed. I'd like a family with someone who wants a family with me. She told me the other night that she didn't see us having children together, hence -- no family. Yes, I have tried to initiate, plenty of times. She doesn't want to go into counseling, doesn't care to. The stranger in a strange land is here, it's present in our future plans and current plans, finding a way to balance this will be challange but it is no unsurmoutable.
We've talked about the sex . . . the marriage, counseling, her work, life, goals, 5 year plans, 10 year plans. Everything. Talking is not the problem and we are honest, so honest with one another. We tell one another everything.
We're at the point now that we are talking about seperating as the most viable solution to saving the marriage. We just moved to a city and have been subletting a place, at the end of this month we have to make a decision: stay together and find another place to live, or move our seperate ways for a break. If I move out it may give us both some space to decide where we're headed in our lives. If we get another place together then we risk being at the same place a year from now. Both options could lead us together -- both could lead us apart.
I feel like I'm ranting. I'm a wreck and I don't know what to do about the living situation. Two nights ago she said seperating was the best thing to do, then yesterday she told me that she started looking for apartments for the both of us together. When I asked her why she said that it seemed too complicated to move out seperately, too expensive. This shot me in the heart because the fact was that this wasn't about me, my love, my being a good person and "oh shit we could lose everything we built" but it was a matter of convenience. But guilt is with me --god-- guilt is with me because I want to have a home, a place with her -- I want stability and to give us a chance, desperately I want to have things just be "okay" and to have her happy and loving her life her, or trying to and for me to be part of that. I'm being very honest here, I'm trying to tell you everything. Because I honestly feel lost in both roads. She has put it to me, "you decide then" which I thought we already had, but it is on me again, a choice to give this a shot for another year, or to seperate and give it a shot apart. It is what it is.
Thanks again,
JB
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