Re: Is this the end...? XTINA: Read " Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" By Mira Kirshenbaum. It is a straightforward easy to understand guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of a relationship. I'm not saying it will give you all the answers or advice you need, but it may help you come to a decision.
Re: Is this the end...? jakebarnez: Just ordered it -- looks like a great read.
Final update for the night:
I made a decision --
We're either going to move into the next apartment together and work on our marriage by getting into some counseling together or seperate.
or
We're going to split up for two/three months and then take it from there.
I'm happy with either or, but it couldn't be -- let's have more of the same from a different set of four walls. She's still chewing on it and at first said she wouldn't do counseling and then I said, well, then I'm going to have to find a place because "more of the same" is not working out. I don't feel bad, angry or sad -- I just feel that this is right for both of us. If we aren't working for a solution then we aren't really doing anything.
Thanks for all the advice.
-JB
Re: Is this the end...? gns: One thing I read in OPRAH magazine (yes, I know) is whenever you have to make a big decision ask yourself what will happen in 8 minutes, 8 months and 8 years.
For me 8 minutes and 8 months would be hell, but 8 years would be much better without him and the issues
Re: Is this the end...? Update jakebarnez: Dear all,
About four months ago, when I first posted, I was so darn lost. Confused and had no idea what to do or where to go. This group really helped me. Hearing the stories, receiving advice and just talking things out. Letting my fingers express where I was at.
Here's the update:
In late April I moved out. We had discussed going to counseling together but she rejected the idea, so we agreed that separation was the best bet for now. I found an apartment for myself in my hometown and settled in for the summer. She had her own place. I still contributed to rent. The book the "controlled separation" helped.
Almost immediately after getting into my apartment I began to feel an overwhelming peace, a type of lack of stress and frustration that I hadn't felt in years. My family quickly affirmed this and saw the difference. I opened up again. My health problems faded away, I had had major stomach problems for over three years and then suddenly I didn't have anything wrong with me. I became more productive, finished a major writing project I'd started two years ago and couldn't finish. Every day became a blessing.
The conversations between me and my wife, however, were still stressed. We saw one another twice in May for weekends. Those times were good, healthy moments. But in the end I felt as if I wanted to still be farther away. Since we separated I have not had the urge to rush back to her. I haven't wanted to get in my car and spend a weekend with her. I even had trouble wanting to pick up the phone to call.
A few weeks into the separation I told her I needed more space, and asked that we spend June not seeing one another. This drove her very angry and she then stated that she didn't want to talk to me at all for the month. I agreed and abided by her wishes. In the end this rule was broken and she ended up calling, numerous times. She badly misses me. Can't stand that it and doesn't feel like I'm working on the relationship anymore, and in part, I guess she's right--but I've really wanted to work on myself.
The latest shoe to drop is that she wants me to decide this weekend if I want us to get back together. She surprised me and interviewed for a job in the town I'm now living in last week and is a finalist. She didn't tell me she had applied, or that she had made the finalist group.
At this point I haven't wanted to end it definitively, although I've admitted that I don't believe I have the energy for the relationship anymore. She asked me the other night, when she was here in town, if I thought it was over and I told her I thought it was. When she cried and said it wasn't fair-- it hurt me so much, made me feel so guilty I backtracked. I'm petrified of making a horrible mistake and losing her if we have a chance. So I said we'd talk about it. Try to see how we both feel this weekend when we see one another again. I feel messed up, I still like spending time with her, am still attracted to her but I don't want the messed up, angry, awful-to-me relationship anymore. I mean, I still want to go to the movies with her but I don't know in the long term if we have any future? Am I messed up in the head because of that? I feel so lost.
I feel, overall, that the bad times have outweighed the good times. That there's too many bad memories of us from a rocky past to make a judgment call on an uncertain future. I still feel for her. Part of me still loves her, will always love her and she wants to give it another shot. Yet, I'm nervous about it. I'm saddened by it. I feel cornered and trapped suddenly, like all the work I did to get myself back together, understanding the problems in our relationship have led me back to a relationship that hasn't been working. Five years this September. Five years. Is it worth another three months? And should I try if I don't feel 100% sure of trying, or even, say 60%? Have I grown into being resentful and how do I get out of it?
Anyway -- there's my update. Any sage words would be helpful and appreciated.
