Re: Is this the end...? soreheart: This sounds like my situation. My husband feels he has grown apart from me and apparently things 'arent how they should be'. There is no-one else, no fighting, no nastiness. We are now spending time apart while he 'thinks'.
So, as the woman here, I would say that if there is no-one else, no fighting etc, no reasons to split up, I can understand why it is difficult for you to know when it is over.
Short-term, I just want my husband to come back to me - even if it is out of a sense of duty or because he can't decide if it is really over. If I am honest though, I feel that he (and maybe you in your situation) will just come back to the same point 6 months or a year down the line and then have to go through all the pain, but this time with that horrible feeling that more time has been lost.
My advice is that you should do what feels right just now. If you leave, your partner will be devastated. But if you stay, you will never really know if you 'miss' her or if your feelings are worth pursuing. If you are meant to be together, you will get back together in time regardless of what you are going through now. You have to give her the chance as well to find out if she might actually be better off without you.
My husband is now saying that the separation is making him feel closer to me. It still might not work out in the end, but if we do get back together at least he will have had this time to work out that it is what he really wanted.
Re: Is this the end...? sja: I am in a situation like this as well. In some ways it's good because I feel that both of us respect each other and neither has really done anything wrong. But it also tears me up inside because you never really know if it's over and if hope is gone. I can relate well this week; I have been wanting to spend time together and missing him so much. It's very difficult when there's not really a clear cut reason to be apart.
Re: Is this the end...? wizer_now: [quote author=jakebarnez link=topic=42109.msg477854#msg477854 date=1173377747">
How do you know, really know when it is time to call it quits? When there is no bad guy, no major fight? When there is no affair, or abuse -- but a sense that the life goals of the two have split off that same path?
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Your story is similar to mine, I can relate...
During the past 2 years, I became the "emotionally distant husband". If there really is such thing as a midlife crisis, I was, and probably still am, going through it. My stbx would tell me that I was not "meeting her emotional needs", that I was happier doing my own thing...she was lacking in my attentions, and so were my 2 children.
In our case, things escalated to the point that we were arguing. A lot. About how to handle problems with the kids in school. About whether to buy a particular item. I make good money but I am a saver, almost neurotic about saving. She's a spender, and she has spent a lot...especially on an older daughter from a prior marriage who is independent and lives elsewhere. The seeds for conflict were planted.
Things go really bad and I eventually moved out. I have filed for divorce and it's ugly.
I tell part of my story here because well, I always take advantage of an opportunity to get this stuff out, and off my chest because I feel better, and also because I think there is a good chance that things between you and your spouse aren't just going to stay the way they are.
If you don't act, either by going to counseling and/or trying to fix things in other ways, then you might find yourself in a position similar to mine. Then the choice will be easy. Real easy.
Re: Is this the end...? Magalucia: [quote author=jakebarnez link=topic=42109.msg477854#msg477854 date=1173377747">
Ours was a love story that seemed like a fairytale.
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I cringe a bit when I hear stories that talk about fairlytale romances because almost inevitably a sad reality follows. When love is new it is always so exciting and it makes us believe we can overcome any obstacle or perhaps keeps us from seeing any obstacles in the first place. Two people always have differences to negotiate when they become a family, add to this different national and cultural backgrounds and living in a foreign country and you have many many issues to deal with. The whole purpose for counseling is to talk about the issues in a marriage. Have you two done that? Have you discussed what you want as individuals, what you want as a couple, what you expect from each other, where you want to live, what you believe in, what is important to you? I know it seems basic, but it is crucial. You both have to really understand what each person in the relationship wants and whether you have enough wants and needs in common to make a life together.
Your wife sounds depressed. My two cents, but lack of sexual interest typically often means an affair or depression.
Best of luck.
Re: Is this the end...? jakebarnez: All of you have been extremely kind and thoughtful here. Thank you. Some days are very hard and others are just okay. The cloud of doubts between what the two of us "want" and "need" in our lives is thick and daunting.
To answer some questions -- I need a relationship that isn't afraid to be great, or caring for one another. I consider myself a very understanding and passionite person and it seems a shame to be with someone who doesn't need passion, doesn't need to be cared for or is afraid of opening up and sharing their life.
I also realize that me in their 30's are an odd bunch. There's a great book that is in print called "The Seasons of a Man's Life" by Daniel Levinson: http://www.amazon.com/Seasons-Mans-Life-Daniel-Levinson/dp/0345339010.
I have found this book very helpful analyzing why it is that every man around me seems to be at odds with himself, struggling to redefine himself as we begin to make the lurch towards our 40's. So perhaps my struggle is a bit on the side of timing -- but I do believe we have diverging interests and goals in our lives. Is it me that must come to grips with my life, or is my life not the way I feel it needs to be?
Getting into counseling myself, is a great idea and one I'm going to begin exploring. I hadn't thunk about it before.
The idea of time being wasted, or coming to the same outcome months later is a very hard and frustrating prospect. If I leave now then six months later I may come back... if I don't leave now then six months later I may need to leave. Again, I don't want to hurt her but all of the little things that are building towards a feeling of resentment, or contempt and the lack of love or being "in love" and positive about us is creating a black cloud of pain around us. It's like everything is "on hold" and we find ourselves not able to talk about the future because it has become so nebuleus and disconnected from one another.
In the end I love this woman and I will always love her -- but I can't make her happy or satisfied with this world in America, or her home in Chile. I can just make myself happy, and I'm not sure how much longer I can live through this.
Thanks for all of the advice everyone, you're all quite kind and a wonderful, caring group.
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