My confusing story gns: I am new to this site and have really found this site helpful. I am confused about what happened in our relationship and would welcome any input.
We started dating 3 yrs ago and I really fell in love with him. He started email flirting with someone 6 months into the relationship I found out and he stopped. He said he wanted to marry me. We bought a house together 2.5 yrs into the relationship and three months later I found out that he was emailing another woman (a woman with a boyfriend who was telling him about her sexual dreams about him) and was drunk calling a few women (including a prior f**k buddy) - no overt flirting but still multiple calls. He has problems with drinking (can't not drink for a full day) and doing lots of pot every day (which he gave up 1 yr ago after a lot of fighting) but was able to only drink 2-3 x a week when we were living together for 3 months. His drug addicted friends moved in nearby and he wanted to see them more and more and started doing pot regularly. I moved out 3 months after moving in after finding the emails and he didn't fight for me as much as I thought he should, although we did go to see his therapist and tried couples therapy. Ultimately later that month we both decided to call it quits.
I was certainly no angel either I looked up pictures of all his old girlfriends and checked his email and phone records. I reacted to him in fear and anger often.
I want him back, but without his email flirtations and with him seriously dealing with his addiction issues. I don't know if he pushed me out or I broke up with him. I don't know if he has moved on and is happier without me, and I don't know how much of a role addiction played in all of this. There are moments where I feel loving and feel like he has to do what he needs to do, but that doesn't mean I need to be with him, and then other moments where I just want him back, and other moments when I am angry and unhappy. How do I even sort this out? I wonder if we are soul-mates and meant to be together - but I wonder if I am just hididng behind that (everyone thinks their lost love is a soul mate!)
Re: My confusing story Percy123: Ok first of all my lost love was my soul mate and there will never be another and I am gonna die alone, but this isn't about me......
You gotta step back from this a bit. Your man has some problems that should really be scaring you. Let's start with the emailing and old girlgriend thing. He commited to a house with you and potentially a life. He doesn't have his eyes on the road and this is scary. At this pint you should be his only focus! Big red flag! Whether he acts on it or not means little. Usually where there is smoke there is fire , so I bet you don't know the half of it.
The alcohol thing is trouble as is the dope. These things don't get better with age. When he goes to his buddies, you know what he is doing......This is not a solid foundation for things.
Calling it quits is the right move. If you want him back, set your terms and no exceptions. No booze, no women, no pot. Commit to the relationship. If not C U later. You need some healthy boundaries here for you and I would stay gone.........
The break-up is gonna hurt for the old fashioned reason that it just hurts. You will get over it. If you invest more into this relationship, it will hurt more later.
Re: My confusing story ace1234: He obviously finds those other things in his life more important. (pot, booze)
It sounds to me like he will only be the man you want (or are looking for) after he gives up the pot and booze. He has to want to stop. He won't stop for you or anyone else. He has got to hit a point where he wants something more for himself and possibly you if you are still around. Do you want to be with someone with all those issues?
Take your time and seriously think about what you want out of your life. We are all only here for a short time and what we do with it is our choice. No one else's.
Percy, you may have lost a soul-mate but you won't die alone. Unless you choose to. I want to be alone right now. My choice. You seem well put together, you'll do alright man.
Good luck.
Re: My confusing story Percy123: Thanks, I was kidding! I hate my soul mate.
Re: My confusing story gns: Thank you both for your input. It is helpful to have some clear thoughts about this. Anyone else with other thoughts/suggestions?
It is hard to let go - I wanted things to be different.
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