Left behind twice - now feel like leaving myself stronger: The quick and dirty...
Married 10 years, one young child
Husband left twice in one year - 18 months ago. I fought hard to prove my love for him to come back... and he did after being for a few months the second time (first time was only a couple weeks but he did move out to an apt). Time in between the two times he left was a mere 6 months. He says reasons he left was from not feeling loved by me. I was told I'm selfish, nasty, immature. Yet I became the one who had to wipe our child's tears as well as my own. I can't imagine walking out on a child who loves both his parents so very much.
When he did come back the second time, there was lot to be discovered. He started a fling with a coworker within a couple weeks of moving out, had other one-night stands while gone, admitted to cheating before he left as well. I'm not an angel and made my own mistake of hooking up with someone for one night when he was leaving the first time. I needed the attention for sure. I guess husband feels he needed it too -- but I was begging to be the one to give it to him so I can't justify his actions. I've tried to forgive and move on but it hasn't been easy because there is still so much hatred from him to me.
He seems to have zero tolerance for me and finds fault with so many things. It seems I will never be enough for him and have begun to think that maybe he never really loved me the way I'd hoped from the very beginning. He also had broken up with me a few times during our dating years. He then continued to threaten divorce during the entire marriage.
All this said, I do still love him very much. I do love my family so much and can't imagine our child being from a broken home. We are both exceptional parents and our child seems to be particularly sensitive, so loving and caring for others. I am afraid this would change if he becomes a product of divorce.
I feel I was not allowed to really heal from the pain husband put me through. I went through severe depression during the longer separation - was able to pull myself through it, gain back 20 lbs I'd lost (I'm already very small), sought counseling, read books, focused on my son, etc. I made the proactive decision to relocate where he'd moved to so I could be closer to husband and make it easier for him to see our child more. We got back together and sold the house we'd built together and only lived in for 2 years. We bought a house together in the new area a year ago. I was willing to make the change because this is where he wants to live now.
But as I said, I feel I was never really given the permission and support to slowly heal. He didn't realize how much he'd damaged me. He never said it was a mistake to leave me - rather he said I'd deserved it for not showing him more love to keep him happy.
I feel like so much of what I believed my husband to be has turned out to be wrong... I thought he was a loyal man who put family first and wanted a long-lasting marriage and was willing to fight for it at all costs. I thought he was a man who loved women only and though he'd been with many before me, I thought he chose to be with me b/c I was something extra special to him. I thought he was spiritual like me - not overtly religious. I thought he appreciated my view on life and love and I thought he shared some of my whimsical feelings.
After the whirlwind of the separation and a few months of being back together I add up that my husband is someone who was willing to walk out on his family twice and therefore could do it again; he came out as a bisexual and admitted to cheating on me with both men and women; he is now a pronounced atheist, and he ridicules my thoughts on both spirituality and love and life in general -- telling me I live in a fantasy world.
Re: Left behind twice - now feel like leaving myself stronger: Part 2:
So why do I still love him? Because I still hold on to the idea of the man that I fell in love with and that I thought truly loved me in return. But he has proven to me that he will never fight for me. If I leave, he will say good riddens (sp?) and I feel like I'm constantly bracing myself for the next time he leaves. He's threatened a few times in the past 18 months of us being back together. So have I -- mostly because of realizing he may never love me the way I thought he would.
I think the only hope our marriage has now is if he wants to step up and fight for it. For him to really see how much pain he caused me, how much confusion and questions he's put in my mind. He is now telling me how down and depressed he is because he needs love in his life and I'm not giving it to him. But he is not motivated to read a single relationship book, for example. He is not willing to really look at himself and stop blaming me for nearly everything. I may not be the best wife in the world, but I have a lot to offer and yet he tells me no one would ever want to be with me if/when he leaves. I'm a wonderful mother, have a high-paying career, am very attractive and in shape, am smart and kind. Thank goodness I haven't lost my self esteem in all of this.
I just can't imagine packing up our child and walking out though it seems it's either that or just wait until he leaves me again. Because I don't see him ever coming around to realize that he hurts people he loves and therefore can't expect them to give him everything he needs.
thanks for 'listening' -- any advice or kind words are appreciated.
Re: Left behind twice - now feel like leaving myself snkpack: I would be curious as to what his home life growing up was like. You make it fairly clear in your tale that he has a history with you of threatening to leave you if you don't love him enough. I seriously wonder if anyone can ever love him enough. Does that make sense? I would suspect that he was raised in an overly critical environment in which love, affection, and understanding were often withheld.
I commend you for wanting to be the partner he desires but I seriously doubt that ANYONE can be. He has set an impossible standard possibly because subconsciously he doesn't want this to be fulfilled. His impossible standards for you are just an invention that he knows cannot be achieved.
His behavior is self-destructive and self-sabotaging and I really don't think the base of his problems stem from dissatisfaction within the marriage. I suspect that most of his problems are issues with himself. He is behaving very selfishly and attempting to validate his bad behavior by twisting it so that you have to own some responsibility for his actions as well. You don't. The true sign of maturity is realizing that only you are responsible for your actions. No one can make you cheat if you don't want to. But I'm sure you've heard countless times that he cheats because you don't give him enough love and affection. Perhaps he does feel that aspect of your union is lacking, but its still no excuse for infidelity. EVER.
While I don't think it would be harmful for you to discuss your marriage issues, it really sounds as if your husband needs individual therapy as well. These are not your ordinary, everyday marital problems, but a desperate cry for help.
I wanted my ex to fight for me too, but I guess I wasn't worth it. Its a tough pill to swallow, but people who don't have the fight in them don't suddenly find it just because they're about to lose a marriage they treat as a joke anyway.
Re: Left behind twice - now feel like leaving myself stronger: Thank you, snkpack, for your reply and insight.
His childhood was less than ideal - with an alcoholic mother and a father who walked out on him when he was 2 yrs old. The stepfather is who he calls dad and he has a good relationship there. I'm told by his siblings that he was always considered mom's favorite and where as most of the other children (there were 6 total of his/hers/theirs) speak very poorly of their mom, my husband is quite defensive of her. He says she had a very, very rough childhood.
He has told me before that I am able to hurt his feelings like no one else and that is why he threatens to leave, to avoid the hurt. But I'm not directly hurting him, putting him down, doing him wrong. It's that I have a lot going on in my life and he says he doesn't feel like he's #1. I took some steps to correct that but it's never enough.
I think you're right about some people just not having the fight in them. I just can't accept that the only way to keep my marriage is to accept this for fact and not 'rock the boat.' I don't wish to test the theory of him fighting for me either, that's not what it's about.
It sometimes feels like he wants the perfect stepford wife. I don't think he really does, but it's certainly a thought that has crossed my mind. He says I'm unable to forgive... but it's hard to forget about the big wrongdoings (or at least move past them) when there are numerous small ones still occuring... invalidating me, calling me names, frustrated with me in general and just not on my team.
He's truly tried to make me out to be this horrible person. I'm not happy with a lot of choices he's made but I still think he's a wonderful person with a big heart. I just don't know if he really WANTS to look at himself and own up to what his actions and words have done to others. It'd be easier for him to start fresh with someone who falls head over heels for him and has zero baggage to deal with. He's charming, very, very good looking, successful, funny, outgoing -- he'll have no problem finding someone. I guess if that's where this all goes I can just be happy for him and realize I was never going to be enough for him. Maybe someone else will or maybe they won't. Only time would tell.
