As if one thing and one person was not enough lgv: I need advice from everybody since I really do not know how to proceed.
Sorry if this is long, here goes part 1 of the story:
In October my husband told me our marriage was over through the computer while I was studying abroad, I came back to the States to try to work things out (this was in December) during that time he was still staying at our apartment, sleeping on the couch, but being hostile, cold and rude. He never talked to me or explained me what happened that made him want to divorce. But I did discover that he had been in touch with his ex-girlfriend and basically cheated on me.
I tried very hard to save my marriage, I sent him a long letter addressing the issue of commitment and that I was willing to go to counseling and pretty much do everything necessary to fix our problems so our marriage could continue. My attempts were painfully ignored. Yet, he remained sleeping in our apartment, coming and going as he pleased, even eating my food and using my things.
Things got too difficult for me to cope with. Seeing him constantly made me feel that the hope for things to go back to normal was there. Finally, at the end of January I confronted him and asked him to set a time and a place to talk to figure things out (regarding the divorce, not saving our marriage.) I felt so impotent and violated. Here I was, even though I did not want to separate, I was being responsible enough and courageous enough to address the unhealthy situation. To this attempt, he simply ignored me, kept staring at his computer and said he was 'too busy' or that he 'could not make plans too far ahead.' I was furious, so I emailed his father asking for advice, that I was so confused, how should I be reading my husband's reaction to this? Was he confused, not know how to back pedal, was he simply being cruel or pushing my buttons to force me into being the one filing for divorce?
Two days after that email, I got an email from my husband in where he stated that he had no interest whatsoever in working things out, that there was not an ounce left in him wanting the relationship, and then he briefly explained how he wanted to divide things 'gradually' so we would not have to frantically do everything at once.
I asked him to give me more space for the month of February, an that by March he should have found a different housing option. Well, March 1st came, I paid rent, I paid all of the bills and I stopped by the landlady's place. She is/was a mutual friend, she was informed, to a degree, of our separation and knew about my husband's affair. At first she seemed agreeable and understanding and when I was dropping off the check I talked to her about my husband moving out, and me staying in the apartment. That I wanted to change the rental agreement so it was only in my name and to change the lock to my place. She said that my husband only needed to give his notice too and then as soon as that was done I could go ahead and sign my own agreement and get the lock changed.
Re: As if one thing and one person was not enough lgv: part 2:
Well, all throughout the first and second week of March I kept asking him to sign the notice, to take his belongings from my place and simply let me move on with my life. He never did, in fact he even flew to his home town. First he said that by March 4th he would do it, nothing. Then that Monday or Tuesday... still nothing. Only once he stopped by, grabbed two or three books and some clothes and instead of taking those things to his new place, he simply took them downstairs to our storage area.
Then last Monday as I was walking out of my apartment I saw my landlady and I asked her if my husband had stopped by to sign his notice as he had promised. Well, of course he did not. I was angry, and I told her how tired I was, sick of dealing with this situation, that all I wanted was to move on with my life. She totally blew me away when her response was negative. She said that I needed to realise that not everybody can be as responsible as I am, that my husband only had some of his stuff in there and it was not a big deal, that what was the hurry, and that the world did not follow my same time frame. I was so furious! I have been the one making all the phone calls to cancel credit cards, services, accounts, etc. and now she tells me I am the bad guy?
I let it go, but felt that there was something weird about her reaction, so sure enough I discovered that my husband and my landlady have been in touch and he calls her all the time. Finally, March 14th he said he signed the notice and gave the keys to the laundry area, where the storage units are, and the keys to my apartment. That morning I called my landlady to set up a time to sign my new agreement and for her to change the lock to my apartment. She never called me back. I called her again on Thursday, she answered her phone and sounded annoyed and said she was busy and that she was going to call me back. Never did. My husband emailed me asking me to drop off his passport and birth certificate with the landlady since he forgot them here. So I called her on Monday and left her a message, very politely saying that I had some documents that my husband wanted me to leave with her, so I wanted to know when it was convenient for us to meet and also so I could sign my agreement and set a time to change the lock to my apartment. Well, surprise, she has not called me back.
Now, here is the thing. I discovered that my husband still has some of his things in our storage unit. This storage unit has a padlock and he has the key. He did not leave the key with the landlady nor with me. In his voice mail he said he dropped off the key to my apartment and to the laundry room. However, if he has things in the storage unit, he must have access to the laundry room to enter that area to get to the storage unit, which leads me to believe that he did not give up that key and perhaps, quite possible, not the key to my apartment.
Re: As if one thing and one person was not enough lgv: part 3:
I am having a friend of mine cut the padlock, I will put a new lock to my storage unit so in this way I will know for sure if he has access to the laundry room. However, I do not know how to deal with my landlady. I feel that she is taking sides, that there is something weird going on. Should I go ahead and simply knock on her door and ask her what is her problem? Should I contact the owner of the apartment complex?
As for the other question. I have absolutely broke all contact with my husband. I do not reply to his emails and do not call him. I promised myself to take care of things as they became an inconvenience to me. I feel that I have doing everything right and everything possible to regain control of my life and move on. Even against my wish to divorce, I was the one making phone call after phone call to cancel credit cards or close bank accounts and open new ones, thing that should have been done by him, since it was HIS responsibility. I refuse to be the one filing for divorce, since it should be the ONE thing he needs to deal with, but I am afraid that he might simply run back to his home town without even dealing with the divorce. Yep, he is THAT pathetic.
I do not understand why I cannot finalise the whole apartment situation. The change of the lock to me has such symbolism, I see it as the closing of a chapter and starting a new one, but until that is taken care of I feel I cannot move on. I do not have the extra energy to deal with other people's opinions and reactions to my relationship falling apart, I cannot control the way my landlady chooses to react to the fact that I stood up for myself and asked him to move out, and if she chooses to make me the unreasonable one, so be it. If that is the kind of friendship she can offer, then I do not want it, but the fact of the matter is that I am the tenant and she the landlady, and we will have to continue with at least a 'professional' relationship, which I feel she is not respecting.
Anyway, I know this is probably too long and not clear enough. Mostly I needed to vent and if possible get any suggestions as to how to deal with all of these events.
Thank you for reading. :-\
Re: As if one thing and one person was not enough XTINA: Does your landlady have a superior you can complain to about her behavior? If she doesn't own the property there must be someone.
As for your stbxh I'm not sure what to say besides be greatful you finally got him out.
Re: As if one thing and one person was not enough qmambo: God doll your poor thing - your ex is a nasty piece of work and you probably never saw him like that as I didnt! Its awful when the cold light of day hits you isnt and you uncover bits and pieces and you try and fill the rest in yourself. The landlady sounds fishy to me to be honest, why on earth would she be taking his side unless she harbours feelings for him and has done for a wee while, or he has made advances towards her? or she is just a bitch. whatever it is sounds like you cannot trust her so i wouldnt bother confronting her - i lost a few of our "mutual" mates over our split and saw who my real mates were! try and look after yuourself now girl - he is out of the apartment so be thankful for that and who gives a shit if his stuff is still in storgage - not your problem anymore - just brak padlock and kick his stuff out on the street. Call the police explain you guys have split up and he wont sign the lease or whatever it is maybe they can enforce it???? i dont know doll all i know is its destructive to you and you need to be rid. I am in a similar situation.
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