Re: Help with a "friend" BestFriends: Funny how things conspire to make you think isn't it?
I spent most of yesterday with my ex-wife from 10 years ago (not the EX I'm talking about in this thread), as I sat and joked with her I realized how I have absolutely no attraction whatsoever to her any more, nor her to me but we get on better than we ever did as a couple as good friends (I see her regularly because of kids). Time has made that happen.
Conversely, while driving back I happened to see another ex-gf of mine getting out of her car (the one before last) and remembered how desperately upset I was for weeks when we split (on very bad terms), do you know for a moment I couldn't even remember her name! I neither stopped or even looked back. I had completely obliterated her from my mind. Time has made that happen too.
I guess what I'm reading on here is right, what will be will be - leave alone for long enough and it all sorts itself out for the best.
We're all on here because we're going through hell right now, but I hope the above is some encouragement for others - it certainly was for me!
I still feel bad for the cutoff, but I am maintaining it just to see what happens...
Re: Help with a "friend" BestFriends: One other thing regarding the comments on my exes online blog, yes it is self-destructive and it does hurt to read it, but in another way it gives me a big advantage.
When you think about it, I can read about what she's doing every day so I don't have to sit and wonder, which I think would be worse, but she has absolutely no idea what I'm doing, where I am or who I'm with. That's kind of empowering, and forewarned is forearmed if she does call I'll know just what to say :)
Just a thought! I'm sure I'll get beaten to death for it...
Re: Help with a "friend" BestFriends: OK Guys there is a sort of conclusion, not what I wanted but just wondered what you think....
She rang me out of the blue today - 2 weeks after I cut her off, I didn't want to talk to her on the phone so we met for a drink.
Had a good talk about how we both feel about things and although I didn't screw up at all, it was crystal clear from the start that friends is all it's going to be. We haven't had a heart-to-heart conversation for a long time and she said it was not because of the other guy, but because she just doesn't see me in that way any more. It was a horrible thing to hear and I'm still reeling from it , but in a way it did set my mind at rest, for today anyway and I think she was being completely honest - as she always has been with me.
Lesson 1: NEVER get into the friend zone unless you really want to be just friends. You will never get out. I will not make that mistake again.
I explained that I wasn't comfortable with being friends while there was someone else around so we left it that we'll just ring each other every now and then and try to avoid awkward subjects. I have no idea if that will work out but we'll have to see.
Did I cop out? Maybe, but I honestly don't think she would have changed her mind no matter how long I ignored her for and there is no way I would want to force her to be with me again. Funny thing, she didn't seem so attractive to me either when I saw her today - I think we build up a picture when we want to see someone so much and then it's different when it actually happens.
Like I said, not the result I wanted but I can tell you it is such a relief to know that I can pick up the phone again - much longer I would have driven myself nuts and at least I know where I stand.
In conclusion, thank you all for the advice on here, the cutoff certainly worked as it forced her into a proper conversation. Without that I would have been forever wondering and possibly turning into a doormat. Had I refused to talk to her when she rang I may have lost a friend for good.
Lesson 2: If you can talk to your Ex, talk, but after a break.
I'm happier today than I was yesterday, but time will tell if it works out.
Comments?
Re: Help with a "friend" BestFriends: Hi Guys
It's been a couple of weeks since I updated this, it's been a bit odd and I just wondered what you thought....
My Ex has gone off to meet this guy and is with him now, and to be perfectly honest I don't have a problem with it (maybe a slight twinge here and there but nothing I can't deal with), mainly because I'm seeing someone else now as well. My new gf is great, and has no problem with me staying friends with my Ex.
As for my Ex: The "let's ring each other every now and then" seemed like a good idea, so I've only rung her a couple of times. The odd thing is that since we decided we should stay friends, she has rung me so many times I've lost count, at odd times and often for hours, also we've been out together (at her suggestion and as friends only I stress, I would not and don't want to cheat on my new gf) and had a great time. Neither of us have made any moves or suggestions to get back together and suprisingly we can and do talk openly about our new partners.
This is not what I had expected, am I missing something?
Re: Help with a "friend" wizer_now: [quote author=BestFriends link=topic=43021.msg504318#msg504318 date=1177148082"> also we've been out together (at her suggestion and as friends only I stress...This is not what I had expected, am I missing something?[/quote">
What do you expect to get out of a continued friendship? Are you absolutely sure you are not entertaining thoughts of reconciling with her, even if those thoughts are buried in the back of your subconscious mind?
And how does your GF feel about your ex's nights out? My new GF would be very troubled by it for sure...and I can't say I would blame her.
There's a history...you know?
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