Our Past yella: This may be of some help to some people. At least I hope so.
Last night I sobbed.. sobbed like a baby. Probably more than I have in a long time. I've shed a whole hell of a lot of tears, but nothing like this.
I thought about the past 4 years and how selfish I was, and in some cases, am. I have 2 really great boys. I love them with all of my heart, and they are the reason I'm here today. My problem... I've failed them. During some of the most influential times of their lives, I was so wrapped up in filling some stupid void that my past has created, that I completely missed giving my kids what I should have had.
I took a good look at that and realized how much damage I've caused to them. Some might say that I still have time to change things, and that I can't go back. I already know that, I'm not a complete idiot, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel awful for it. Just because you can't turn back time doesn't mean that the pain, guilt, and tears aren't there. They are.
Your past is a very real part of who you are... good and bad. You can't just forget it, and you can't just move on with your life and never think about it. If you do that, you don't grow. Turning a blind eye and focusing on the future only does you no real good. If you do it, you leave an important part of you behind.
I've missed a lot with my kids in my selfish ways. I don't remember my younger son's first steps, or his first word. I barely remember my older son's first day at Kindergarten. Those times are a blur to me because of a nervous breakdown I had at that time. It lasted for months, and I can't get those memories back. I have to live the rest of my life bearing this weight. I know this, and I do my best to learn from it, but on occasion, I look back and a ton of pain hits.
I'm not the type to just forget my past, and I won't. Telling me or anyone else to do that is pretty messed up, IMO. It leaves no room for true growth. For those who go back in time, have those memories of the bad hit, and have any type of fear, whether I like you or not, I silently support you. I want you to know that it's ok to look back. It's ok to carry some regret, and it's ok to be afraid. It's what you do with it that matters, and we're all still trying to learn.
So don't forget your past, be afraid at times, and don't ever forget to learn. Carry forward every part of you, find comfort, and love who you are because of what you've learned so far.
Re: Our Past hope: I'm sorry for the memories you lost, but thanks for the truly inspiring words. I needed to hear that today.
Re: Our Past Percy123: There is no rule book for this stuff and we can only look back and learn from what we have been through.
Re: Our Past alonewith2: I couldn't begin to tell you all the times I've had that same cry, Smiley. I took pictures every single day of my son's life from when he was born until he was about 3. I could tell you every little detail of his growth during that time period. I remember every single outfit he wore. But I couldn't tell you crap about the time between 4 and 8.
I never even started the baby book for my daughter. I only have a few pictures of her and they are mostly ones other people took. They are still in the envelopes you get when developing them...and they are still scattered about the house. I try to pay attention to her development and growth, but I've missed out on my son's by doing so.
I tried to stop the cycle so many times. I remember begging my family and my stbxh to take my daughter so I could spend quality time with my son. They always chose to take my son instead.
I could blame the separation. I could blame my job. I could blame a lot of things, but I won't. It's true that you can't get back that time you lost, but it's also true that you can't take care of your children when you are an emotional/mental/physical/spirtual mess. Sometimes we have to take time to build ourselves back up in order to be there for those around us (including our children).
And instead of dwelling on the past, we have to ensure that we don't miss out on anything else. My first step was to enroll my son in little league. He's been wanting to do that since he played T-ball when he was 5. He had to drop out of T-ball because it didn't fit into my schedule at that time, but this time, I'm gonna make it fit. And we're going to play catch in the yard and spend time together at practices and games.
My daughter is going to be enrolled in dance classes. I can't wait to see her spin and twirl. And I'm going to take tons and tons and tons of pictures.
I'm going to hug them and love them and tell them how much they meant to me. I'm going to do what I have to in order to not miss out on anything else going forward.
Re: Our Past JNA: Smiley wrote: "Your past is a very real part of who you are... good and bad. You can't just forget it, and you can't just move on with your life and never think about it. If you do that, you don't grow. Turning a blind eye and focusing on the future only does you no real good. If you do it, you leave an important part of you behind."
Talk to me sometime in PM Smiley...
I feel a lot of ways you do in your post but there is a way around it
I've had a lot of hurt too ok...
There are "loads" of ways to deal with pain and loss
This may sound "bad"...
But I'd bet you I've had just as much or more than you
I am Strong...
I always will be because of three "simple" things
-I know who I am (You know who you are too)
-I cannot control what happens to me (Neither can you)
-What happens to me I will "deal" with and move on (You will too)
IMO
Someone told me one time...
God will only give you what you can handle
You've "handled" A Lot Girl...
Stay Strong
JNA
Click More for the next page.
