Re: Our Past yella: I went to see my uncle last night for Easter since he's too sick to go anywhere. He was moved again to another room because this time his heart is beginning to wear out. The doctor basically told me that his heart is going to "get him" in less than a year. Maybe sooner.
What he said to me last night was profound to me. "I want to go home so I can start over." He missed a lot in his life because of alcohol. I know it hurts him because I can see it in his eyes, and even when he tries to talk. He can't really get that many words out, but he was able to get this, which said a lot to me. Like me, he has pain from a difficult past.
Re: Our Past AfterMath: Thanks for this post Smiley.
Re: Our Past JimB: Just saw this, and had some thoughts. Bear in mind this comes from a childless EU - weigh everything accordingly. 8)
I think one of the definitions of "maturity" is having the perspective to look back and see that life is a mixed bag. We've all done (or not done) things that we're not proud of. We've allowed unimportant things to supersede important ones, and not realized it until later. Happens to everyone. As you say, it's important to reflect from time to time, but it's just as important not to assign too much value to what you might have done had you known what you know now.
There's a fine line between grieving for missed opportunities and being overcome by relentless guilt. IMO, any reflection that includes thoughts of the "damage" caused to children is likely to be driven more by guilt than by grief. As with any other major endeavor in life, parenthood is about doing the absolute best you can in light of who you are and who you're becoming. Just as we can't transplant the smart, suave, savvy divorcees we now are back into our failed marriages, we can't transplant the wiser version of ourselves back into the earlier stages of our children's lives. But you know what? I ascribe more of my personal growth and passion in life to my parents' failures than I do to their successes. It's all a part of me, for better or for worse. I'm a little biased, but I think I turned out ok. The same will be true of your kids. There's no limit to the number of right ways there are to raise children, and there's no reason to think your way is any better or worse than anyone else's - it's just yours.
At the same time, it restores some of my faith in human nature to see parents who agonize over their children's growth curve. I've seen so many who don't....
Re: Our Past yella: I've greived for the missed time in my kids' lives, as any loving parent would, but at the same time, I take every opportunity I can to make their future brighter. I look back at pictures and I shed some tears, but then I look at who they are now, and I smile.
There are only certain times when the guilt gets the best of me, but the majority I'm ok with it all. My kids are great kids, even when we have our tough times. We're a team, and they help out more and more each day. I'm proud of them, and I'm proud of myself for improving who I am.
I do not, and never will forget my past. It's a part of who I am, just like it's a part of who everyone else is... whether they accept it or not. The past shapes who we are, for better or for worse. It's what you learn from it that's key.
I believe in looking back at your past and taking a look at the mistakes you've made. It's what keeps us grounded. Now, if you let it take you over and you're permanently miserable, then you have to re-evaluate some things.
In my eyes, it's a balance. ;)
