Re: Tonight Is The Night ... After Her Delays ... Freckles: [quote author=alonewith2 (SNB) link=topic=43067.msg494392#msg494392 date=1175814864">
It's hard to get those type of people to see thier self destruction. Do what you can, and then move on. This may be a case where she needs to fall flat on her face in order to realize what's apparent to everyone else. She may need to do it on her own in order to learn from it.
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She may not see it for a Long time. My ExWife did not for over a Year
after Blow up/Divorce
Re: Tonight Is The Night ... After Her Delays ... ron1973: UPDATE:
Spoke with her Thursday, when she came over. She was well dressed, covered, head to toe, with perfume. Had sunglasses on initially when we talked. Knowing her history with pot, I do not know if she was masking anything with that arrival as "done up," as she was, but I have no way of knowing in any case.
She came by, we talked brass-tacks. I laid out the bills and said I would have something written up this week concerning the disposition of said bills--who would pay what, who would pay when, etc.. I allowed her to get all the contact information for the credit cards and GMAC (so that she might be able to split the bills and open them up in her name, etc..) and I took back the Shell card that she used in my name up until April 2nd, which she used to buy food/munchies with along with gas.
From there, we discussed MY side of the story. I told her to allow me to speak before she said anything, and I laid it all out on the line; her drug abuse, her lying about the drugs and bringing them into our home, her running out on our marriage, her unwillingness to seek counseling with me, her running up the credit cards and withdrawing cash and not "remembering," what happened to it, and her spending so much time with this thing she met from Chicago. Her response, as I should have known it would be, was that she was "tired," of the marriage and that she was "tired," of trying to make it work.
She said that she didn't want to be married anymore, and that I "pulled her heart out," from her by my inability to relate to her and my neglect. I pointed out that within the last year she ASKED for more time to be with her friends, and that I do indeed acknowledge that I didn't give her as much attention as she needed--but that I was willing to make the changes, seek counseling with or without her, and welcome her back into our home provided she did the same. She was not interested in hearing any of it.
She got quite upset and reacted with crying when I told her that the timing of her running out on our marriage was convenient and that I could not help but think she left me in the lurch--emotionally, financially and physically. To think of it...she now earns more than me. We are now effectively "tapped out," as far as the credit cards are concerned. She now has a brand-new car (in my name) that is basically free and clear as long as the notes are made. She knows the gig is up regarding her drug and alcohol use/abuse. She met the perfect co-dependent enabler in this slug from Chicago, who is also a known drug abuser and space cadet. I got tired of her running out, and this time I called her on it--this time I let EVERYONE know what she was doing, and I didn't keep it between her and I, and she knew it.
She really got upset, though, when I mentioned that I had buyers for the car she has--she reacted as though I stabbed her in her heart. She broke down completely at that point, and sobbed, "I can't believe you are going to give my car away! I can't believe you are doing this!" At which point--for dramatic flair--she proceeds to hustle downstairs to "clean" the car out. But, like an idiot, I relented and told her the truth...that if she makes the payments and/or gets it in her name, she can keep it. I should have let her hustle downstairs and clean it out, as filthy as she has it.
In the end, though, with all said and done, I gave her more of her belongings, carried them down to her car, and said that the door is always open to her if she wishes to try to work things out. I told her about moving to the new apartment and she said she would assist in cleaning out the one we have now.
We shall see...all and all a very taxing and emotionally draining experience for me.
Thank you all for hearing me out through this...
Ronny
Re: Tonight Is The Night ... After Her Delays ... Magalucia: Ronny, I am sorry this is happening to you and to your wife. The very best thing you can do for her is encourage her to seek treatment/counseling and begin to detach from her. It is amazing to me how much our good intentions of helping our addict/alcoholic spouses can result in such harmful actions. By helping her financially, i.e., having her car in your name because her credit stinks, you are not helping her at all. An addict/alcoholic needs to suffer the full consequences of their actions before they will hopefully say enough! By keeping them from those consequences we are keeping them from getting better. If you no longer agreed to have the car in your name what would she do? Maybe she would be stuck with public transportation. Don't help her. Because you really are not doing her any good. If you want your wife back, give her a chance to fail miserably and build herself up again. There is no guarantee that she will come back to you but if she does it will be as a whole person who is able to rely on herself. Right now she is incapable of being a wife. That requires having something of yourself to give to another. She does not even have herself right now. Cut the strings completely. It is not about being mean, it really is about tough love.
Re: Tonight Is The Night ... After Her Delays ... wizer_now: Two words..."damage control".
She has already announced her intentions to leave the marriage. And whether you accept it or not, it's the best thing that could happen for you.
She's a mess...physically, emotionally, and financially.
Start cutting your losses NOW. No more "Mr. Nice Guy". The car is in your name, go get it. Cancel joint credit cards. Get an attorney. File for divorce.
Get busy. In the past 5 minutes she has probably already smoked another joint and suc*ed her new BF's D*ck.
Re: Tonight Is The Night ... After Her Delays ... Freckles: [quote author=wizer link=topic=43067.msg496168#msg496168 date=1176136223">
Two words..."damage control".
She has already announced her intentions to leave the marriage. And whether you accept it or not, it's the best thing that could happen for you.
She's a mess...physically, emotionally, and financially.
Start cutting your losses NOW. No more "Mr. Nice Guy". The car is in your name, go get it. Cancel joint credit cards. Get an attorney. File for divorce.
Get busy. In the past 5 minutes she has probably already smoked another joint and suc*ed her new BF's D*ck.
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I could tell you some things but it might *Offend* the addicts here
:-X
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