Re: I need a remedial dating class gns: I am not so sure about having another serious talk with him "explaining things". Not that I am a dating pro, but I would suggest wait a little bit and go VERY LIGHT on your next interaction. Maybe dancing or bowling with friends - something that shows you are fun, not a serious.
I hate it when dates are too invested or too intense initially. Give me time to think about you/miss you and just be someone I can have fun with first, then we can talk.
Re: I need a remedial dating class JNA: Pad wrote: " I am so insecure that I started responding defensively and the conversation just got weird. The rest of the week we sent little texts - nothing of consequence."
Well I think you both need to communicate as you are both nailing each others issues left and right...
Meaning he likes to pull away a little or break agreements and you like to get defensive from past events
He is not your ex and you are not his...
IMO
Fresh Start ok...
pad wrote: "Am I just very messed up? Maybe this is because I have had major trust issues in my past relationships and I am sensitive to perceived trust breaches."
I have these too especially from the last "nightmare"...
Thing is though
You need to talk to him then when someone does not stay a little consistant then get the hell away from them...
Trust=Consistant Behavior Over Time
When someone is "inconsistant" it make you the same or wonder what the F...
Set a bouderie and communicate that if you two like each other
pad wrote: "I like this guy and don't want to blow it but almost can't stop myself from being a human red flag."
OH...He has Red Flags too my dear...
Trust me on that one
Meet him then go from there...
You might find that in "text" things are not what they seem as a person is "totally" different in real life
IMO
JNA
Re: I need a remedial dating class kelbelleplus1: Hi Paddington,
When I read your post I could instantly relate. I have insecurities that have made me come off this way, even while all the while I was trying to project the "light and fluffy" attitude Percy recommends.
I think ultimately, you truly have to be light and fluffy feeling on the inside before you can project it. If you are trying too hard, it will inevitably show.
Give yourself time to work on you insecurities. I will be honest, I eliminate people before I can even get paranoid anymore. Because I know I need work - and why drag someone into that? I do believe the cliche about when you stop looking, it happens.
Also, with single girlfriends who were in the dating scene, we often noticed men interpreted "insecure" as desperate. Maybe they go hand in hand at times. We all agreed men could smell desperate a mile away.
Stay strong!
Re: I need a remedial dating class JimB: Cut yourself a little slack here. You're just getting back into dating after a lengthy relationship. The rules do change while you're away from the game - it takes a while to get into the flow.
I hear you when you say you like this guy, but be realistic - you like him on the basis of two good dates. That's not really a very big sample size for your data - I'm sure there are things you could have done differently, but there also exists the strong possibility that he would have turned out to be a total ass. There will be other guys you like, and there will be plenty of guys who like you. "Remedial dating class" consists of going out there, screwing up, and learning from your mistakes. There's not really a right or wrong way to do it.
Also, it's important to weigh every experience in the context of who you are right now. If you're compromising too many things in order to date successfully, you're going down a dangerous path. You need to be yourself, even if there are things about yourself that you wish were different. (If you don't like yourself very much, then perhaps its not appropriate to be dating at all.)
Re: I need a remedial dating class paddington: So, after having thought much and taken the good advice here, I explained to M that I was getting a bit antsy, but this was because I liked him and was not the most secure/experienced "dater." He told me he liked me as well but wanted to take things very very slow because he is 1 year out of a 4 year relationship that ended badly. He explained that he historically has jumped into relationships but did not want to do so again. He also wants to date - not because he enjoys it but because it is a break from the patterns of serial monogamy in his past.
Since I last posted, we have seen each other 3 more times which have generally been nice. I am not good with the light and fluffy ala Percy. It is not who I am as a person in the least. I like to delve deep, I am very curious and I am intense. I can see at times M wishes I were light and fluffy. He seems like someone who is very guarded - not only because of a difficult breakup but also how he is innately wired. I enjoy him very much and am attracted to him, but he seems like someone who is in a post-breakup dating around phase. That is probably the phase I should be in too, but I am horrible at multitasking when it comes to matters of the heart.
So, I will continue to see him knowing he is seeing other people and seeing other people myself until it either takes off or becomes too uncomfortable. I don't really get how someone can be on a 10th date with one person and a 2nd with another and things not be weird. Especially when it comes to physical intimacy - and I don't mean only sex. We promised each other complete transparency, but there is a part of me that can see that turning into a nightmare. What does he do....tell me he had a 3rd date with someone and she slept over while we did that just days before? Do I just keep things very light until and if exclsivity is established? I am at a loss as to how this all works which is why the serial monogamy thing is so preferable.
Dating pros, weigh in!!
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