I am so sorry.... Sorrow: my thoughts....a rant, a vent....an escape from the pain...
I am so sorry that it had to end this way. I never wanted that divorce...and you said you didn't either, even though you kept bringing it up and hinting to me that you did want it.
After I tried to hard not to lose you, for three years, I noticed the huge change in you and felt it was time I agreed on what you wanted...otherwise, you would end up hating me.
I gave in, gave you what you wanted, and in return, I got released. I got my freedom back, my pride back, my self esteem back...things I had that were lost with you.
and I don't hate you...I could NEVER hate you. I always feel though, that you hate me. But you always end up saying you don't. Funny...how ask me, "Why do you think I hate you?" after you just call me a hypocrite, a false heart and a coward...then say good riddance to me. How can I not feel you hate me?
Re:I am so sorry.... Sorrow: You wanted me back...after you told me you never wanted to hear from me again...you wanted me back. I was somewhat surprised, but not completely, since you have done it so many times before in the past. And I told you that if I leave the marriage...it will be for good...I won't be coming back because I know it would not work. We have tried it already, we have tested those waters and found it to be too turbulent.
It was either sink...or swim. You chose to swim...and so did I...but now you want me back so we can sink together?
I'm so sorry to tell you No. It hurts my heart so much to tell you this. Its a sickness... Hurt has its clawed grip around my heart...and pain is it's outcome.
You seemed happy that I was still willing to E-mail you and talk with you after you told me you never wanted to hear from me again. But by then, I was realizing it was time for us to move on. You said so yourself, many times, that we cannot be friends, because we would never be able to go on with our lives...we cannot be married, it would never work...and we cannot be BF or GF, because it would only end the same way as a marriage.
So why do you continue to ask me? Because you still love me? Where was that love from you while we were still married? Why didn't you realize how much I loved you all those times I cried in the corners because you threatned to be Rid of Me.
Where was my husband then? and why is he now just reappearing?
You said that people make mistakes, and divorced couples do remarry and get back together because God has chosen them to be together. You feel that God has chosen us. Well, if that is true...why were you so indecisive about me? Why at the time I was married to you was I as you said, "worthless"?
"I was going through a bad time.." was your reply.
But wasn't our marriage vow..."Love one another, in good times and in bad?" how can I trust a man to love me only in his good times? Like you said, "love conquers all..." if this is true, your love would have conquered your BAD TIME and hence, your indecsiveness towards being with me.
Could you be in love with me? yes...and I still for you. But I realize now that it is a love that would never last.
You see it, as a love that can flourish. Why? Simple...because I was willing to do...ANYTHING you asked of me. You could manipulate me, take advantage of me and you knew I was a caring person who would always be willing to take you back..no matter what.
At least...that's what you thought. There is a point a human being won't cross. It's time that I start doing something for myself...other than for just you and you alone. I need to care for Me...I need my pride back...I need to be myself, and not somebody you wanted or expected me to be.
I can finally breathe....and the air feels so fresh now.
But, the pain in my heart is still there...because as you noticed...I am a very caring person.
I don;t want to lose you...I want to stay friends, I want to be with you again...but it would only lead you the wrong way..making you feel that I want to remarry, and thats not right. I dont want to trick you...I dont want to tease you...I dont play games and I never have. This is the way it has to be not only for my future happiness, but yours.
You said, "because of your decision, we will both continue on with dark clouds over our heads..."
Yes...yes we will. This is what happens when you lose somebody you lose...you carry that dark cloud. And on certain days, it rains....on other days, its just there.
When it rains, is when your heart hurts most. Like for me right now.
We will carry those clouds perhaps, until the day we die...but through time, that cloud will become smaller and smaller. But it will never go away...like a tramatic memory.
I needed you in my life, and you wanted out. I gave you what you wanted...and you changed your mind. You wanted me back, and now I say I'm sorry....I'm so damn sorry....and it hurts so much to say it....don't think I don't care....because it's the caring that has gotten the hold on me.
-Sorrow
the name says it all.
