Bipolar wife wants a divorce jojo319: This is my first post. This is all still pretty fresh. I am 34 and have been married for 1 1/2 years to a 27 year old with Bipolar. In her family that means your crazy, so she will not seek treatment for it. We have had what I feel are normal marriage problems, but nothing crazy. She is different from me in that she likes to go out quite often. Every now and then, she gets in her "wild" phase of drinking, partying, etc.....I pretty much give her a lot of freedom to do so. She's threatened to leave before, but has never really done it. She usually changes her mind after about a day. To make an example, 4 days ago she said we'd be together forever. 2 days ago she said that she wants a divorce. Aside from the complete heartbreak, she had minor surgery this morning, and will be bedridden for a week. I don't know if I should take care of her or not? I still love her very much, and I hate the fact that this was so impulsive, but she has shown no compassion to me whatsoever. It's just hard for me to start to move on because I don't know if it's one of her "moods" or not. I'm scared, depressed, and I don't know what to do.
Re:Bipolar wife wants a divorce caligirl: hi there.
i know EXACTLY how you feel, just fast forward your story, now, 3 months later.
My husband displayed simular behavior patterns, and when i brought up the fact that he has a family history of "depression", he flipped out. (Uncle is manic depressive, Dad is on meds for depression, and Mom has bouts of it (told to me by his father)...so, unlike you, the family is aware. Not sure which is worse, that they now know, and are enablers, and do not do a thing or if they didn't know.
My husband, like your wife, would go from one minute, wanting to have a family and naming our "future" baby to leaving and racking up credit card bills traveling all over the country...who knows where he is now....
needless to say, it has been everything you've described and it is only now, I feel I am able have no choice but to move on.
It is difficult to try to help someone that does not want to recognize that they may have an issue. They have to want to help themselves before the process begins.
I have had manysupportive friends, and have posed this question, that you have to ask yourself and come to terms with. It is that, even if she (and he) does decide to accept help, it is a life time process, and one will never know when they will have another "cycling". It is a very hard decision, and only you know what will be best, but ultimately, it needs to be all you, that needs to be considered...
hope that helps, i feel for you, and i understand.
be sure to take care of yourself through this....it is hard...but you will get through it..
all the best to you.
-caligirl
Re:Bipolar wife wants a divorce marfanoidus: Ok, I have 14 years of dealing with a manic-depressive mother-in-law and step-daughter.
First, it helps to deal with MDs by looking at them as someone with an illness - just like cancer, they can't control that this happened to them. Yes, the illness is difficult to live with.
My advice to you about tending to her would be the following - it would be honorable of you to take care of her (especially since you say you still love her). Help her get back on her feet, and do it with love and compassion. When she says hateful things, and thats what almost all MDs do as part of their disorder, just remember that she has an illness, and it is the illness that is causing her to say those things (at least to some degree).
When she is well, take a stand for yourself and talk to her - let her know that you refuse to live with and suffer along with a MD if she refuses to get help for it. That is fair to both of you, and you put the ball in her court. Call it an ultimatum if you want, if she is clinically MD then there is no doubt she needs help, and you would be negligent if you did not try anything in your power to get her that help.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:Bipolar wife wants a divorce kerrystar: Hi, I am currently dealing with the breakup of a common law marriage with a 21 year old with bp. We had been together for over 2 years, and she has the same characteristic of going out and partying and drinking.
As far as helping her, I would say definitely do that if it's in your heart, and in your kindest intentions. If you feel like I feel, then you probably love her an unfathomable amount. But DO NOT give her an ultimatum!!! Do not put her in a corner. I'm guessing her emotions have her so confused and that she feels so much that she has no control over anything that she will take swings at you. Probably to feel like she has power and control over something, anything.
So help her if you need to. Just show her kindness and warmth. I know you want to tell constantly how you feel and that you love her, but I think if you want her back, you're going to have to forget about talking about your feelings and just try to communicate slowly with her. Ask her how your day went, other small things, etc. Just go slow and nothing too big. I know for a fact that it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done, it is for me!
I really feel for you on all sorts of levels, but try to be strong. I'm sure her drinking buddies can't help her the ways you can, or she wouldn't have wanted to be with you in the first place. Be strong and caring, but do not be a therapist, ok? Be the friend you were when you first met, maybe. Ignore your broken heart, as broken as it may be. I really do know how it is when she says everday that she wants to be with you forever, to not give up on her, etc, then want to have nothing to do with you.
As far as getting her to seek help, I'm not sure. My girlfriend had known she had bp for quite some time. The only hard part was that she wouldn't stay on her meds and would stop her therapy for various reasons. I only hope she can find someone she likes and who can help, and maybe, a very small and lonely maybe...we can start over.
Again, sir, stay strong! I know what it's like to cry all day and get lost in the depression. I've been in this situation since the beginning of September (by far the worst month of the year for me and all of my friends by the way). It will get better!!! Remember to keep your feelings in check. DO NOT talk about them, it will only put a larger gap between you two, at least that's what happened to me. I hope this helped at least a little. The best of luck to you, and please wish me some luck, too.
Re:Bipolar wife wants a divorce rball323: It feels good to know that I'm not the only one out there experiencing this. Although my wife does currently want a divorce (at least not today!)....she has exhibited some of the exact signs due to her bi-polar disorder. I'm lucky that she is actively seeking treatment and therapy but she still has her moments....one minute...it will be the most beautiful words you could ever want to hear....hours later....she wants nothing to do with me. It feels like I'm the one losing it at times. I would agree with the previous post that talking about your feelings can be dangerous. I have notice that with bipolar there is an inability to alter thought processes and once the person desides that something is negative (regardless of how you intended it to be)...there's no changing that decision. So, if you do choose to share your feelings be careful that they aren't misinterpreted...go slow.
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