Wondering if there is indeed a point to all this? Spectrum: Why is it that every time I talk to the ex, I start to lose my motivation and question myself?
And a better question.... knowing this, why do I continue to talk to him?
The ex called last night..... The first thing I did was rail him for calling and waking me up the previous week on his day off; I didn't answer and hit "ignore," but of course I was awake by that point. Once that was out of the way, he demanded to know what I meant by a posting I made on loveshack.org on a discussion about wives blaming mistresses for their husbands' cheating.
He was quite upset, because I referred to him as a pathological liar, mentioned that he lied about dating his OW (which he is), and also his 2am drunken "I miss you" phone call. After some discussion of the facts, he begrudgingly admitted I had a point (even WRT the pathological liar part).
So then we were talking about my family.... My father actually told the ex once while trying to console him that "men are meant to spread their seed." To say that I harbor a tad bit of resentment towards my father about this (and let's face it, a number of other things) is fairly accurate. The ex told me last night I should cut him some slack, because he's definitely felt the effects of his actions this summer while working for my family's business- he was treated as an employee only, no slack cut anymore. He also told me my mom has spread her resentment towards him all over the north shore of Lake Superior, according to many sources.
Along the way he mentioned some interesting facts..... Despite his complete denial of it during all previous conversations, he is indeed pursuing a LT relationship with the OW. Fine; I knew that, despite his lies, but why did he lie in the first place? At least he's admitting it and talking freely about it now; I don't have to play Super Sleuth anymore when I'm talking to him.
I know I'm rambling, and I hope you'll bear with me here....
So he is with the OW and trying to make a go of it. It became clear last night for the first time that this is a REAL relationship he's in, he's not just out for a piece of a$$. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I'm really glad that he's learning from the mistakes made in our relationship. I'm glad that on some levels he is having a much better-quality relationship with this woman thanks to his mistakes with me. But it hurts that it isn't with me, and it hurts that he was so busy moving on in this new relationship while blatantly lying to me (and his friends, apparently) about it. And it also really hurts that he is able to do this with a woman who is so completely different than anything he ever expressed a desire for during the entire time I knew him.
In fact, there are many qualities this woman displays that he out-and-out HATED when I knew him; she is a HUGE tree-hugger who actually drinks her own camping dishwater- he is a die-hard republican who is hard-pressed to recycle his empty beer cans. That just about sums it up.
And the worst part is that deep down, some pitiful part of me keeps saying, "Face it. She has a nicer body than you do, E. And she must be better in bed, too, or he wouldn't be resigning himself to a lifetime without oral sex." Argh.
So now I'm sitting here, wishing I had someone. I'm thinking a little bit about some potential someones I've met and really liked over the last few months, none of whom were apparently interested in me. I'm thinking about the other potential someones that liked me, but I wasn't interested in.
I'm also thinking of my future.... What do I do when my year is up? Stay here another year? Go somewhere else for a year? Go back to Minnesota and work a "normal" job, putting horses back to amateur status? Go back to Minnesota a make a go of training professionally? Will I even be qualified?
All I know is that the happiest moments I've had over the last few months (particularly the last few weeks) have all been on horseback. The joy I'm getting from my new skills is far beyond any other source of happiness in my life right now. Perhaps that is all I need to know for now?
Spectrum.
Re:Wondering if there is indeed a point to all this? whathef?: I wouldn't worry too much about the comparisons between you and OW sexually.
For him, it's something different.
The differences they have, that you mention, will cause a rift.
It ain't all it seems.
The grass in never any greener.
Their old self will surface.
I'm seeing this for myself......
Re:Wondering if there is indeed a point to all this? Spectrum: I don't know if I find that more comforting or less comforting.... :-\
Spectrum.
Re:Wondering if there is indeed a point to all this? picadilly: Isn't it shitty that they can still get to us even after all this time & all the shit they put us through. Man, it's not fair but hey, life isn't very fair, is it.
Hey, parents can be a pillar of strength sometimes & others... a huge annoyance. They mean well, most of the time but they just seem to fumble through. Hey, no pity for him, he is just taht, an employee not the SIL anymore so why he should be whining about that, I don't know.
I think you should stick with the horses. They make you happy, try to become the trainer you want to be. It's better then hating what your doing, thinking would'a, could'a, should'a.
Be well & we miss you in the Ojar chats. log on more often, eh. :P
Re:Wondering if there is indeed a point to all this? tazme: Spec,
Take comfort in that. Whathef is right - their true self will start to show through (for both of them) & they will see what life is all about once reality hits. The reality of bills, day to day crap, their idosyncrieces (sp??).
I think we all have a tendacy to question what is wrong w/us - why did STBX turn to another. I am slowly learning that they turn to someone else in hopes the OW/OM will make them happy. What they do not realize is that they are the only ones that came make themselves truely happy.
I'm not saying that our marriages/ourselves are/were perfect (far from it in my case) but at least I am looking at myself & my marriage & seeing the mistakes I made - seeing that NO ONE can make me happy - I must do this MYSELF. We have something our STBX's do not have - this knowledge, this realization. They can only see the "fantasy land" they have created in their minds.
They lie to us (and to a degree themselves) because they know down deep (really deep for some) that what they are doing is WRONG. I admire you that you want him to be happy & for this relationship to work out. However, there is a reason that most relationships that start this way do not work out - they are NOT based on honesty, trust or reality. How can a relationship survive w/out those things?
Just know that you will be better off w/out him. Trust me, I know that is easier said than done, but it is the truth. NO ONE deserves to be treated the way that many of us have - especially by someone who vowed to love, honor, cherish and love.
Hope this helps - I have just had a very intraspective weekend - a lot of soul searching. My thoughts are with you!
Tazme :)
Click More for the next page.
