Re: My Story mieyedoc: Thank you all for the feedback. I too believe, sex and intimacy are very vital to a healthy marriage. When I realized that if I really were single id prob have a better chance of having sex or intimacy than in my current situation, I knew it was over for me. It is terrible to be in a relationship and feel more alone than when you really are alone. At least now ill be able to start dating once I take time to heal. Now, i feel theres "hope" for the future. I had to break free from the illusion of comfort I was trapped in. As far as my soon to be ex, she had no problems with abuse or anything , however her father died when she was 15 I think, that was hard for her. Thanks again for the feedback.
Re: My Story inebr: Sex and intimacy in marriage are really important. In my marriage it didn't play out so well. I want there to be a relationship that's in good shape so when I have sex I can feel safe. There were many times in my single life where I would be intimate with a guy (have sex) and then after he would pull away as if we were casual acquaintances. For him sex was different, and I'm not sure how, cause I'm not sure about anything right now. But I think for him, the knowledge that I had intimacy tied with sex meant he had to take some responsibility but responsibility is a big turn off for him so therefore there was close to no sex after we got married.
I'm rambling about my own stuff....
I do wish you the best through this difficult time. Things will be looking up.
Re: My Story achingallover: Yes - I totally get the intimacy thing. My husband wanted to work on our sex life and I sort of put it on the back burner. I was (and still am) in school to become a therapist and so I was having all of this crap come up- as I was under my own microscope this past year - and the sex thing seemed to be less important to me based upon what I was discovering and dealing with. He never insisted we work on this issue. However, he was very passive in the relationship, so maybe he was insisting in his own way but I never saw it as that. I never got how important it was to him, until it was too late. I always thought, "well, our sex life is o.k. not great...but we've been together for 10 years!" Sex to me was not coupled so much with intimacy - communciation was coupled with intimacy for me. There were times when we had intimate sex, but not usually. I wasn't getting communication and he wasn't getting too much sex - see the breakdown here?! For us, there was a complete breakdown of trust. I wanted couples therapy all year, but he wouldn't do it. I think he was afraid to vulnerable with me, even in the presence of a trained professional. SO, the communication continued to break down the trust and the intimacy went bye-bye. Honestly, I am not sure there was ever true intimacy there. It's sad really. In my mind, I still see that we could have worked it out - but he didn't want to bother. It was too much for him. He got fried. I got more fight in me than he does!
I hope that this journey is very freeing for you and that you get back all the parts of you that went away in this past relationship. Good luck to you!
Steph
Re: My Story grober: Lack of intimacy is definitely a relationship killer. My X and I had similar issues for the last 2 years of our marriage. The first year due to a miscarriage. I really wish we would have gotten some counciling for that. The second year was due to her affair.
Your STBX being unwilling to seek counciling is really awful. It doesn't leave you with many options.
Take care.
Re: My Story pilotswife: There's more to intimacy then sex. Intimacy is a 2 way street. The fact that you remained in the relationship, may suggest you may have your own issues, as to the regard of intimacy. Intimacy is trusting that you can share your fears, feelings, thought. hopes, strenghts and weakness. and they will be accepted by the other person.
I have remained in a similiar relationship, lacking in intimacy, and sex. I am now trying to accept, love and trust myself, in order to trust love and accept another. It was easy to blame my partner, then to take responsibility for my own role in our failure to be intimate together.
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