Young & In Love Kentenathien: Some quick background information. I am 26 years old and going to a community college. When I was 14, I became agoraphobic and it snowballed into a host of anxiety disorders, depression and social anxiety. I isolated myself until I was 23 and finally took control of my life, for the most part and started going to college. I never fully re-developed my social skills and am still battling that aspect of my life.
I had never been in a relationship nor been intimate with anyone until I met him when I was about 24. I was really scared when he started flirting with me but after time, I decided that I couldn't be a coward forever. We started dating and it turned into a physical relationship pretty quick and soon, we were already saying "I love you". But, being my first relationship and coupled with my anxiety issues, I got scared and soon told him that I didn't love him, out of fear. After a few thoughtful months, I realized it was a stupid mistake and fought to get him back. It was hard but we finally got back together.
From then on, we were together, on and off, for 3.5 years and engaged for most of it. At the beginning, I was dealing with an odd seasonal depression that seemed to kick up every late spring/summer and it caused me to isolate myself. He saw this as pushing him away and this caused a breakup just about every year around this time. The first year, he cheated on me because of it. This planted the seeds of distrust in me and I had trouble getting my paranoia under control. This caused many, many problems. I was also trying to get a handle on a pornography addiction that I had since I was a teenager. We were on some kind of roller coaster the rest of the time of being very in love to falling apart again. He told me that when he was with me, he enjoyed holding me and spending time together but when we were apart, his thoughts wandered and he didn't really think of me. This led to a few more times of him being unfaithful.
This trend continued until this year. I developed the worst case of depression I had ever faced and he left again. I finally decided that it was time to get help for myself and have been in therapy since, trying to deal with the depression and the severe social anxiety issues. I found out he was seeing other guys and that really pushed me over the edge. I was without hope for a good while. As stupid as I was, I convinced him to try again, pointing to the fact that I am finally getting help for my depression and stuff. The past few weeks, we have been together but he says we are just "dating", even though he sleeps over sometimes and says he loves me and the such. He wouldn't change his myspace status from "Single", wouldn't invite me out with his friends and I found out he was talking to a "backup guy", just in case we didn't work out. I couldn't inquire about any of this without him snapping at me and saying, "I don't think this is going to work" and him threatening to leave me. I finally called him out on it and he became irate and left.
It's just hard. I feel like the battered wives who take their husband back each time because they love them. I love him so much, it hurts. I see lots of potential in him. I have a great deal of empathy for him. I understand his individual issues and past history that causes him to do the things he did to me, good and bad. I know it can work some day in the future, when we are both older and more mature and hopefully without individual issues.
I really can't imagine my life without him. The thought of losing him invokes a feeling of extreme physical illness and loneliness that I feel like I can't physically and emotionally cope with. I get an urge to text and call him ALL the time and I do. I don't know how to control the impulse. Since i'm still dealing with my social anxiety, I don't have a lot of people or things to do to distract me, at least until school starts. Am I wrong to love him so much? I feel so stupid, having such a hard time getting over him, not being able to let go. I don't understand how a couple who has been together for 10, 20, 30 years can make it after a divorce and i'm sitting here crying over my little 3.5 year relationship. He was my first and I get the urge to say that I will wait forever for him... I just don't know what to do.
Re: Young & In Love leigh: I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Let me say, it does get better and you're going to make it through this.
Now I'm going to be a little harsh, but this is what I'm hearing you say. This guy has cheated on you multiple time, he abandons you during your greatest time of need, he keeps guys on the sidelines as backups, and he doesn't include you in his life. Is this who you really want to be with? You deserve better than this. You will find better than this.
Keep working on your social/anxiety issues. Start making different friends at college. Take good care of yourself right now, it's very important. Keep posting here, there are a lot of good people here and we'll help you through this.
