Guilt and Hating Yourself katelyn: I often struggle with events that have gone on in the past between my BF and I. I really have a hard time not blaming him and resenting him, but deep down I think I hate myself for having put up with it, enabled it. Really if you think about it, it is like I did it to myself. Allowing someone to treat you badly FOR YEARS is the same as inflicting it upon yourself.
Last night we went to his mom's for a big family BBQ, being that a bunch of relatives were in town. The last time we attended a BBQ at her house was a couple of years ago. So I am immediately flooded with memories.
BF had invited me and my son to go along. I remember being so stoked that he had been considerate enough to even think of me. But, I had to work early, so I offered to drive myself - so that he didn't have to leave if he didn't want to. He assured me it was no big deal to leave early.
When it got to be 8 or 9 I started discreetly mentioning that I needed to leave. BF is a huge 'talker' (especially when drinking) and kept rambling on and on and ON. I started getting annoyed. So finally I said out loud "I really need to get home".... and he blew up at me. He pretty much verbally abused me in front of everyone. Shocked and taken aback I just sulked, defeated. A few minutes later I started getting my things together and told my son we were going to walk home. Yes I agree this created even more of a scene, but I felt I needed to defend myself. It escalated from there. I remember his uncle patting me on the back because I was near tears....
I still remember my son (4 yrs then) begging me not to make him walk home. I'm sure the whole scene had frightened him.
I was pretty depressed about this memory all evening. It makes me physically sick to think of all the times over the years I had placed him in that position of worry. To this day he worries about all kinds of things that surprise me for his age. I hate myself for having allowed that abuse, and even more for exposing him to it.
Even though this was one of the more tame episodes in my memory, its the sheer volume of episodes that upsets me.
I ended up crying myself to sleep last night as BF tried to comfort me, saying that we aren't the same people we used to be, aren't the same relationship, and that I'm a great mother now. My reply was "It doesn't matter. The damage has been done, and I can never take it back."
It's such a hopeless feeling to think you have damaged your own child by being a fucking immature idiot.
This morning BF left me a note in the bathroom that read "Amber - You are a fantastic mother that your entire family is proud of. I love you, have a great day."
Can the future repair the past?
Re: Guilt and Hating Yourself snkpack: I don't think the future can repair the past. The past is just that, something that can no longer change. It can't be fixed, most times it can't be forgotten. But it's importance is only as significant as you allow it to be. Put it back there and focus on your future. If it's good, the past shouldn't matter.
Re: Guilt and Hating Yourself damagedgoods: He sounds like a selfish bastard.
Re: Guilt and Hating Yourself gdgross: [quote author=Snkpack link=topic=47575.msg569202#msg569202 date=1187287466">
I don't think the future can repair the past. The past is just that, something that can no longer change. It can't be fixed, most times it can't be forgotten. But it's importance is only as significant as you allow it to be. Put it back there and focus on your future. If it's good, the past shouldn't matter.
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+1.
"You gotta leave your behind in your past." Oh wait...
Your past is what it is. It shapes who you are, but you choose how much significance you give it. Ultimately, you choose whether to focus on the past or on the future. For lots of us, that is easier said than done, given the pain we have all gone through. But I still believe that the decision is ultimately ours whether to allow our thoughts to dwell on the past or not.
I occasionally have times where I'll think about my ex a lot, (BTW, her name is Amber, too!) and I sometimes have to do something to divert my attention away from her. I've had my mourning time, and it's time to move on.
BTW, I hope this guy has gotten better. Otherwise, why in the hell are you still with him!?!
Re: Guilt and Hating Yourself katelyn: [quote author=damagedgoods link=topic=47575.msg569220#msg569220 date=1187288569">
He sounds like a selfish bastard.
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You have NO idea....
But he's completely different now. :-\
