My Story marshall1982: I'm 24. My wife is 23. We married on May 11th, 2006 and separated on April 29th, 2007. We have been separated nearly 4 months and I still can't get over her.
I will try to make this as short as possible. We went through a lot of change after getting married. She joined the Air Force after 4 months of marriage. We were apart for 7 weeks (spent a weekend with her at her graduation) and then 3 more weeks after that. She got stationed in California, so I packed her car up and moved from Tennessee.
She became extremely independent after joining. She no longer was as needy as she used to be. I tried hard not to let an inferior complex develop, but I felt like I was always trying level with her. The first major problem, besides re-adjusting to each other, was not having an furniture. We had furniture that was supposed to be shipped from Tennessee, but the moving company made a scheduling error and that put us without furniture for 10 weeks. We had to sleep on an air mattress. In that 10 weeks, she had 4 teeth pulled, we went through 3 mattresses, and I had trouble finding work. It all seemed to come together around December. I found a job and the furniture arrived.
Christmas came around and we traveled home to see family. My best friend's wedding was in that time so there was a gap that we would be apart. She begged me to come back to California with her because she couldn't be without me. I fought in my head for a couple days. I loved my wife and would do anything for her... and I did. I called my friend and told him I couldn't make it. I was supposed to be in the wedding and it sort of threw things off. Needless to say, it was a huge mistake on my part, but my wife was literally in tears. She needed me.
Everything was good until March. I say good, because I had come to accept the terms of what she expected. I didn't like having people over every weekend. I wanted more time with her, but she is very extroverted and loves to be around people. We came to an agreement. Mon-Fri was study time in the afternoon. Friday was our night. Saturday we'd work out. Saturday night we'd have people over. Sunday we'd spend the morning together. Sunday night she'd have people over to study.
It worked for awhile, but pretty soon, the structure got quite boring to her. I came home with flowers and her favorite candy one day. I got the house immaculate. When she walked in the door, I kissed her, picked her up, and carried her to the room. There lied the flowers and candy on the bed. I layed her down and told her how I felt. She had been pretty tired lately and I wanted her to know how proud of her I was. This all didn't seem to make her in a good mood... I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Sometimes I feel like we've become boring."
That broke my heart. That moment changed everything to me. I started becoming more jealous of her male relationships. (She had 1-2 female friends and 20 male friends.) At this time, one guy started getting close. We had people over every weekend and I never met him. It turns out, she was sitting next to him in class. He just hung out with a different crowd, so he was never interested in our group of friends. Eventually, he started coming over.
My biggest problem was that she would stay up on Saturday nights after I go to bed until 2am talking to him. I walked into the living room and she was sitting right next to him. I asked if she was coming to bed and she told me she would in a little bit. I told her I wasn't comfortable with the relationship between the two of them and she said, "I don't know what to do Marshall. I want you to be happy, but I want my friends happy, too."
That immediately blew me up and we started fighting. This event apparently brought them closer. She went to him that night and talked to him after we fought.
Re: My Story marshall1982: Basically, I expressed to her that I wasn't comfortable with her relationship with him. She was staying up until 2 am on the phone with him behind my back to talk about our fights. One time, he called her "hot" in front of me. She blushed. She was also in a group of guys discussing women and she asked what they thought of her. These guys knew we were married and refrained from saying anything to her and she got upset. I addressed this later and she said, "It shouldn't bother you that other guys might find me attractive." That in itself didn't bother me. It was that she needed to hear it from them. I told her she was beautiful every morning... like clockwork.
I understand what I did that might have driven her away. She says I became too emotional. I was too critical and she felt like she couldn't talk to me without getting an emotional reaction. I felt like the more I expressed my loneliness, the more things she did to make me feel alone, and thus, I'd become more emotional. I do admit to being emotional, especially with alcohol. The last night we were together, I asked her to go out with me. She said she wanted time alone and insisted I go out with the guys. I asked where He was going to be because I wanted him to come out with us, but she said he had prior plans. Basically, I went out thinking she was by herself, but she did end up being with him. She called me on several occasions to see how we were and I told her how much I loved her and that I was having a blast. On our way home, she called to see how much time before we got home. She wasn't home when I got dropped off. Actually I don't remember even getting home because I was blind drunk. (I rarely drink, but the guys made sure I did that night.) The next memory I have is waking up to a house with holes in the wall and no wife in sight. I couldn't find my cell phone and had no car. I started cleaning the house and around 1pm, she drove up with Him and another guy. The first thing she said was, "I want you to pack your stuff and leave. I want you out of my life." I asked what happened? I don't even remember seeing you last night. She said, "Do you not see the house? You went nuts and tried to swing at me!"
I was speechless. I would never hit my wife... or even raise a fist to her, but apparently I did. I asked if we could talk about things, but she wouldn't. I never felt so low before. I couldn't even remember anything... The whole week was spent crying and her not there. She wouldn't give me two seconds of her time... and then I was off to Tennessee. I tried coming up with alternatives, but she rejected everything. She said it was over.
After we separated, more Hell broke loose. I was doing things like begging, pleading, and coercing her into loving me again. All the things I shouldn't have done, I did. I know this now, but at the time, it was instinct. Eventually I questioned the relationship with this guy. They eventually ended up together. I suspected they would and she lied about it until one day in July, I broke her down. I felt as if I was cheated on.
Re: My Story marshall1982: We are still married... and apparently, they aren't together anymore. I don't know if I can believe her, though. The time they were together, I could have filed for adultery (and still can) because I have text from her phone showing her admitting to it, but I haven't and I won't because I love her. This could get her and him kicked out of the Air Force, too. That is why I think they ended it and I feel like she is only putting him away until the divorce is final. That is why she ended the relationship. She promises me that's not why, but how can I believe her if she says she now wants nothing to do with me.
She said at the beginning of our separation that she wanted really bad to remain friends. She now says, that all the Hell I put her through has caused her to not want to be friends anymore. I feel so bad, but I only did those things because she hurt me so bad. I want so bad to resolve this, but how do I resolve it when she still says she wants space and time. The last conversation we had was about bills, but we also managed to talk about us. She said, "Leave me alone. Just wait for me to need you."
I don't understand it. In this time, I've lived in 3 different places. I just now got a car because I sold my car in California, so I was without transportation for 3 months. That made it hard to work, thus, explaining my inconsistent living locations. I've dealt with even more family issues, (seemingly more now than ever) and I've got a broken arm due to a biking accident. I can't work, but am trying to join the Air Force myself. I have aspirations of my own, but life seems to go slow without her.
I know I love her and I'm not obsessed. I've had more idle time than her to decide how I feel, but I feel like no amount of time will change her. I'm capable of moving on without her, but I know I'd be happier with her. What can I do? I've held myself accountable for months. I know where I went wrong. I really am sorry. We were so perfect up until this point... We didn't even try...
Re: My Story Crystal_Blue_024: Well, first off, welcome to Ojar (even though the circumstances that brought you here suck).
The first thing I noticed is you seem to place all of the blame of the seperation on yourself... While the demise of a relationships usually takes two, it doesn't seem like you are seeing the VERY bad judgement calls she made in the situation... She wasn't acting like a wife, like a partner, like she was in a commited relatipnship... She was acting like a single, college student, who wanted to live life up, and not take responsibility for the commitment she made to you (ya know, the whole "til death do us part" bit?)
I'm glad that you see the mistakes in your choices to plead and beg with her, because you're right, it won't do any good... And be honest with yourself, do you really want to be with someone that you have to beg to love you? I hope not. You deserve SO much more than that.
As far as her saying, "Just wait for me to need you." Are you kidding me!!! That right there shows that she's a user and really just wants to keep you around in case she changes her mind, and for when the time comes that she realizes the grass really isn't greener (which she will realize)... Do you really want to put your life on hold until she decides she needs you? Come on now.
Now is the time to focus on YOU... You don't have to make any rash decisions right now regarding divorce or anything like that, but you may want to emotionally be preparing yourself for that... Focus on bettering YOURSELF... Maybe seek therapy for your aggression (that aparently came out the night you weer drinking), pick up a new hobby, start reading a book... Do stuff for yourself... Show yourself that you had a life BEFORE her, and you WILL have a life AFTER her...
Hang in there... Keep posting here... It really does help... ((( HUGS )))
Re: My Story marshall1982: Thanks. The only reason I'm able to see what I did wrong is because at first, I put the blame on her. I was critical for awhile, but you are right... It's amazing how you put it, "She was acting like a single, college student, who wanted to live life up, and not take responsibility for the commitment she made to you."
I said the same thing to her in one of our fights. That is exactly how I stated it and how I felt. She did neglect me, but she makes me feel like I wasn't strong enough and that I shouldn't be like that...
I am aware of my weaknesses more than ever and I'm aware that I have to make these changes regardless of our relationship. I just don't know why I still want to be with her after all this...
