Re: Hate a hidden factor? inebr: Thank you for your post. This was interesting for me to read. I think my h might be a lot like you, Elskeren. He is about 8 yrs older than me and has his PhD and tenure and a great career that allows him to live a great life and travel tons. He’s european, has a LOVING family (albeit not perfect IMO) and people really like him. He has no problem making friends and attracting people in general. He is happy with himself and his life.
Over the years that we have dated and been married, I have had lots of feelings of jealousy over what I saw as him having a perfect personal and professional life. My family life has not that great. Because of my upbringing I struggle with feeling good about myself a lot of the time. And making good friendships is STILL something I am working on.
He, too, took for granted that everyone is pretty much like he is and have shared in his good fortune. He doesn’t understand the pain that comes from having to deal with these issues, especially the pain that comes from childhood and family problems.
I felt alone a lot when it comes to these things and I think that fueled my jealousy. Why did he get to live a perfect life, happy and struggle-free? I WAS the one who had a bad life since a kid, I, if ANYONE, deserved to live a perfect, happy and struggle-free life. Maybe sounds like a strange way of thinking, but I think that that was the base to my feelings of jealousy. I really have wished that I could make him understand me, to empathize. But I see that the relationship has been good for me in the sense that I have become a much “more together” person myself. I knew from the start that he had it mostly all together and wouldn’t accept much less from a partner. (but as we have been together I have found that he has his struggles too! They’re just different)
Maybe your wife needed to have parts of her understood.
I understand now that all people are born into a family and we all know that there are a lot of differences when it comes to families and the way they interact. Some kids don’t have much to start with, they have a lot of counts against them before they even really get their life started. They will have to struggle with the most basic of needs long into their adulthood, if not forever. While those kids lucky enough to be born into a family of love and support will have a lot of those bases covered and adulthood will be much different for them. Well, I know it’s not that cut and dry, there are all shades of grey and we all struggle with our own things. Guess your wife’s situation rang a bell with me….
Re: Hate a hidden factor? Elskeren: Inebr:
Many thanks for your post; that's exactly what I hoped someone would come out and tell me. It is really not a case of blame, although this post was side kicked into that direction sometimes. It is me understanding that this has been case in my marriage. Your description of your feelings is what I only now realise. I would sometimes think about it as a possibility and try to fake unhappiness to my ex and to show her that me too got some problems (i mean as u said we all do) that are similar to hers. I would try my best to understand her problems with her mom (always not on speaking terms with each other), but we could I do? One can never manage to repair a damage caused by upbringing! Never.
Yes, your story rang a bell with me too.
Re: Hate a hidden factor? nerak: I have given a lot of thought to whether it is even just 1 person's fault. It seems so noble to take responsibility and denial when we don't take some blame.
I've spent a lot of time thinking my case was as 1 sided as it comes since my husband not only cheated but never displayed any effort to communicate that he was unhappy. I accomodated everything he ever wanted. He wanted stuff I bought it for him, he wanted space I gave it to him, I took care of everything at home etc.
So, it would have to be all his fault that the marriage failed, right? After all I gave him everything and he cheated.
What I've learned is that giving someone everything and doing everything for them is not healthy. Taking care of somebody isn't always what is best for that person. Maybe I should have let him take care of himself a little more. Although everything I did was nice and generous it does not mean it was good for the marriage. It doesn't mean that was being a good wife. That is a hard pill to swallow and I am just starting to get it....
It is easy to see the damage created by negative behaviors (cheating, abuse, or even just being unpleasant or mean) but many things that are on the surface "nice" are also destructive to a relationship. For example, doing too much can feel patronizing to the other person. I made more money than my husband and liked providing everything he wanted for him and he seemed proud of me but I was probably a little insensitive to some feelings of immasculation.
Don't know if that makes any sense, but....
Re: Hate a hidden factor? Elskeren: oh so you are damned if you don and damned if you don't! I disagree. I
Re: Hate a hidden factor? justmenow: I, too, was married to an exceptionally brilliant man who never had trouble making friends. I always admired his knowledge of computers and the universe in general. He had an amazing perspective on things that I never considered before, and that was great...at the beginning. Over time he would correct me on minor things, maybe something I misspoke or if I did somthing that wasn't his "vision" of how it was to be done. It wasn't wrong, just "different". He honestly thought he was helping and wasn't being critical. He rarely took my point of view into consideration, and when I complained about him spending too much time with his friends he would simply say - well, you just go out with YOUR friends! There problem solved.
He didn't get it and he didn't try to. I don't make friends as fast as he does and I don't trust as easily as he does. I suppose on the surface you could interpret my aggravation and disappointment in our relationship to jealousy, but mostly I was just irritated at his thinking he was the "be all end all" of everything. After a while I just stopped doing things so he would stop criticizing me. When he moved out, I picked up a power tool for the first time in about five years and took down a shelf. My daughers were amazed that I actually did that on my own.
Now, I am not a stupid person (I have a Masters Degree) and I did not have a bad childhood and I didn't expect him to solve all my problems. All I wanted was a husband, a friend, and someone who had faith that my way *could* have been the right way, even if it wasn't the way he would have done it.
I'm glad you are confident in your life and your personality, but pardon my bluntness here, you are NOT blame free and if you think that you didn't have a part in the breakup of your relationship, then you were never really a participant were you? You sound smart enough to analyze that and until you realize your part in what went wrong, you are doomed to fail in other relationships as well. Sorry, but that's just life. And no, you may not agree with me, but that's ok - it doesn't make me wrong, just different.
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