Re: Hate a hidden factor? JimB: You are right, and I apologize. It IS insulting to be called arrogant, and I'm sorry I had to be the one to point it out. (Although I do think a certain amount of arrogance is a good thing.)
But if you truly think the divorce is entirely her fault, that is excessively arrogant. Don't say something like that and then profess to be humble. True humility is understanding that you are part of the world, you have an effect on it, and it has an effect on you. As I said before, trying to completely remove yourself and the effect you have on others from a situation in which you were intimately involved smacks of denial. You'll find people here with lots of issues, but very few who are in denial about their role in the failure of their marriage.
Again, I admit it's possible that your ex's jealousy turned into hatred, and it's possible that her family background and her own issues contributed to that. But it's almost certain that something about the way you were, or the way you acted, contributed to her feelings as well. You may well be completely satisfied with the person you are, and if she can't handle it, oh well. And that is absolutely fine - we'd all like to get to that point someday. But don't expect sympathy or comeraderie here if you waltz in protecting yourself with a force field that deflects all blame from yourself to others. I've been hanging around these boards a long time, and I have yet to meet anyone who has tried to assign total blame for their divorce on their spouse. First time for everything, I guess. :-/
Re: Hate a hidden factor? Elskeren: Again, I disagree with Jimb and Marjie, you can have a divorce with 100% blame on one partner. This doesn't make either of them perfect, but these are two different issues. For instance, if my ex had divorced me because I was an abusive husband will that put some of the blame on her too? No.
The only thing she could blame herself for is making the mistake of marrying me, but then I could have been deceptive enough. So, I disagree, sometimes one is fully to blame.
Now, do I think I was a perfect husband, God no! BUT, did I do something or not done something to trigger the divorce? No. I know I didn't.
The best answer is that we weren't right for each other, and this I no longer deny, but I refuse to take any blame on this issue and I am not looking for sympathy here, not at all. But no insults please as we don't really know each other here.
Re: Hate a hidden factor? notmyself: i was married for 3 years, 9 months, and 11 days when he left. things were not perfect. i felt neglected and empty. i craved his attention and affection, but he continually denied me. i was willing to do anything for him, i emphasize anything because i held him and his well being over my own. he wanted something, he got it... he needed something, i took care of it. things were rocky for a while. there were questions of infidelity, of him not carrying himself as a married man should. i played ostrich, stuck my head in the sand. i had held such high hopes of what marriage would be like and nothing was turning out like i had hoped or dreamed. i wanted to have family. during an argument he actually told me that he would never have children with someone like me. january 27, the day before my birthday, he told that he had not gotten me anything, that he didn't know what to get. i was upset, after 5 years with someone, shouldn't they know you enough to be able to pick out a simple birthday gift. i was not asking for diamonds and the like, but something meaningful... something to let me know he still loved me. he told me that same night that he felt as though he was pulling away. that he was confused. now things had been not so great, but i thought we could work through it. i suggested counselling. he agreed and the 2 week wait for couselling was agonizing. now while waiting for the appointment he told me that he wanted to take a few days to clear his head, that his heart said he wanted to be married to me, but his head said for him to be single. he told me sat, feb 8th that he was going to leave for a few days, he wasn't sure how long. at counselling on the 10th he told the counselor that he didn't know if he was still in love with me, that he wasn't attracted to me, and felt as though he wanted to be single again. given other symptoms the counselor thought he was bipolar with attention deficit, which he had been previously diagnosed with but left untreated. the counselor advised against him moving out. he left that wednesday afternoon, and as i watched him drive away i knew he would never come home again. though he did try, i couldn't let him. he left, then he waited a month and a half to try to reconcile. it was over. it is over. my marriage is over. and as much as i am usually fine with it it still breaks my heart, it will always be there. was it my fault? the end of my marriage? no. i was willing to do anything to save it, even willing to overlook his indiscretions. is the divorce my fault? how do i answer that, being as i was the one who wouldn't reconcile? maybe it is, i'll take responsibility for that. he is the one who ruined 'us', i just ruined the legality of 'us'.
Re: Hate a hidden factor? insomniak23: I wanted to chime in here because I'm having a hard time understanding Elskeren post. Not to gang up on you but I do feel that everyone has a share of them blame. You say you bought her books, took her on vacations, got her the best jobs, but did you ever really take time to understand her ambitions and goals? Not that my story matters but me and my wife married very young 19. I was still in college and she wanted to go but she became pregnant. I continued going to school and worked very hard on my career in Information Technology. She stayed at home and took care of our daughter and the house which was her decision. At times she would get a job and it would be hard for her and when I was laid off I found a job right away. She told me recently that she was jealous of me because I was able to work at my career while she sat at home and in a way she is right. In my defense she did go to school and I helped pay for it but she quit going. I put a lot more emphasis on my career than hers. Yes I did ask her about it and like you thought I was helping her with her dreams but I wasn't really helping her. She needed support and understanding and all I did was give her things. Its hard to understand because I didn't at the beginning but I know I wasn't the best husband and I share blame because I didn't help her realize her dreams like she helped me with mine.
Re: Hate a hidden factor? kashoh: It has been my experience, Elskeren, that one can never fully know the reasons, the thought processes, feelings, what-have-you, that underlie another person's actions. It seems to me, from what you've wrote, that you feel that you know just what was going on inside her head. I just don't think it's possible. In my opinion, this hate you speak of is probably more of an effect than a cause. I think it is more likely the end result of a marriage gone bad. But that is just my opinion. As for who is to blame, what does it really matter now? What happened, happened. Does everything really need to be compartmentalized so neatly?
You wanted to hear from people who have felt similarly. My wife never said she hated me, but she did say that she was very angry with me for treating her in ways that she felt she shouldn't have been treated, and angry with herself for putting up with it. It seems to me that she is no longer so angry. Maybe, like me, she realizes it is all in the past now, and it is time to move on.
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