Feeelings & Manipulation achingallover: Has anyone else out there been having the same experience with their x as I have...when I try to tell him how I feel, he thinks I"m trying to manipulate him. This has been happening since we have started having problems - the past year. It seems like everytime I try to be honest with him and tell him what's in my heart - he gets mad. I think what's going on is he is assuming "responsibility" for how I feel. Like, he doesn't know where he ends and I begin. I think he has tons of guilt in him from his childhood. But, what I"ve been working on this past year in my therapy is feeling and sharing my feelings, because in my house, we were taught to not feel feelings. Most recently, I wrote a letter to him explaining how I feel because I didn't feel like through all the chaos in what's been happening through this whole divorce process, that I've been able to tell him how I feel. What I think. What was the result - it made him mad. He didn't talk to me - but he sent me an e-mail and I could tell he was not happy.
Anyone else have this sitaution going on - a percieved manipulation through feelings?
MOnday hugs everyone -
Steph
Re: Feeelings & Manipulation inebr: Hey steph,
I can relate to this one big time. I don't know if this applies to your situation or your stbx but maybe he feels he needs to "fix it" when you feel bad. I dunno. I read Men are from Mars, women Venus recently and I thought it was insightful, ...said that men, if they *ever* talk about personal things they are looking for answers, advice. Women just want to be understood and heard. We women don't want fixes, really, we just want empathy. If you're trying to tell him someting about the way you feel maybe explain that you just want for him to hear how you feel, that he doesn't need to fix any problem or come up with a solution that the way you feel is NOT his responsibility at all, it's just the way you feel.
...hope this helps a little. :-/
Re: Feeelings & Manipulation achingallover: Thanks, Darc. Yeh, I have actually told him that in the past...that I don't want him to DO anything - just listen, or give me a hug. I think he doesn't know how to not DO something. I don't know. I'm all mess up today. I have such anxiety over the mediation tomorrow I can't even focus. I would love to be able to tell him anything from the heart right now and him not think it's manipulation - but for some reason, that is the way he is taking it. UGH!!!!
It's over, really. There's no more talking room here. He's done and I'll never know for sure what happened - only speculation. :'(
hugs-
Steph
Re: Feeelings & Manipulation down2basics: Hey Achy!!!
Sounds like you are going through the same crap I did and am! I am soooooo sorry! I know how it feels to have someone you love twist you into shapes that'd make Gumby Scream!!!
It feels like your heart is on the cutting board and he has the tenderizer! You know - that metal hunk that you pound your steaks with? :'(
Be strong honey! Stand firm...stand up for what you believe, need and want and don't settle for second best! Look out for you because you are the only one who will!
Your in my thoughts and prayers!
God Bless you Sweetie!
d2b
Re: Feeelings & Manipulation achingallover: Thanks d2 - I just got back from mediation about an hour ago. It was surreal. It was a horribly, queitly dieing on the inside sob fest for me. It's so funny, because we had 2 mediators there - the legal one and one that's more of a therapist to suppor us. And they said, "well, Matt, it seems like you are much further alone in the acceptance of this...blah blah blah" . And is response is "I'm hurting too - I"m just...holding it in." O.K.! Well Geeze...that's a great idea! Yah, divorce your wife and then feel things later! God forbid you should just ALLOW a feeling to happen in your body without taking control of it and asking for it's hall pass! Unbelievable! I really don't understand how anyone can be there and NOT cry. I mean, I was a basket case!
But, it was hard. I walked in and saw him sitting there in the waiting area and we had small talk - which I started crying like 30 seconds after seeing him. God, I do NOT and WILL NOT ever understand someone who is apparently feeling so much "pain" and having the power to repress that much! And I even said to him, " you know, apparently you have known you wanted a divorce for a long time, but I only found out about it 2 7 or 8 weeks ago, and I"m sorry if I'm not at the place you are emotionally with this. I can't help where I am and I will suck it up as best I can to get this done as fast as possible." He just sat there.
Ugh. I'm so tired I could fall over. This sucks. I know I have to move out of my house and find an apt., I'm just sick to death about it. TOo much change, ya know? I've got until Sept 1 to be out. This is not going to be fun or easy.
hugs-
Steph
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