Another leaver here... CPmommy: My husband of seven years is an alcoholic. We have two children, 5 and 18 mos. Since I've told him I wanted a separation, he's sworn to change his ways and not drink or do drugs or anything anymore. But I pretty much think he's beaten me down......
I'm having a really hard time right now with the feelings I'm having - that of really NO feelings toward my husband except maybe pity. And sadness that what I wanted to work is not working. It's like a dream has died.
The saddest part of all is that I didn't trust myself for so long. I kept quiet and took so many things from him that I shouldn't have, just to keep the peace. And now it's too late. I don't have any feelings left for him. So sad. And, I'm having a really, really hard time telling him that - well, no, I pretty much told him but he's not accepting it. He wants to work on it, work on it, work on it. When I've been trying and trying and trying all this time and now I'm just tired.
I am seeing a counselor and we talked about this the other day - I feel that it's not "right" for me to want to leave. That I "should've" done more, "should've" said more, etc., etc. Feeling guilty, feeling that what I'm doing and feeling is "wrong". He explained to me that it's not wrong, it's just how I feel. That helps a little.
It's just hard for me to sit and be "mean" to someone who is crying his eyes out about me not wanting him. And then, of course, there's the part of me that doesn't believe a word he says about changing....because I've heard it so many many times.
It's just a sad situation.
Thanks for listening.
Re:Another leaver here... lostinlife: CPMommy
Although my husband is not an alcoholic, our situation is very similar. After many years of me trying and trying with nothing from him, I finally gave up and we seperated last year for 6 months. We are currently together and are working on our marriage. We had our 12th anniversary this year and though we are together right now, we did not "celebrate" this year as one would expect.
I think that what you are feeling is a direct mirror of what I have gone through. Your counselor is right - it is not a matter of you being right or wrong in how you feel. It is a matter of what is best for you and your children. If he has destroyed what was left of your feelings for him and your desire to work things out, then you need to do what is best for you. There has to be a point when enough is enough.
I don't know if that is much help for you or not, just know that you are not alone in this and that others have gone and are going through the same things, and experiencing the same fears and feelings that you are.
Welcome to Ojar - I hope that you find some peace within this forum. All my best - I'll be here to listen when you need to talk.
LIL
Re:Another leaver here... marfanoidus: Its one thing to leave out of pure selfishness. Its another when your children are being raised by a substance-abuser.
Its one thing to leave when you "just don't love" the person anymore. Its another to try and try and try, and change ourselves over and over again only to be stomped on again and again.
Much of what you describe to me reminds of the proverbial bridge which once a woman crosses she can never cross again.
Sometimes, what was right for us at one point in our lives is not necessarily right for us at another point in our lives.
I for one, who tends to be rather opinionated, would never fault you for leaving, or at the very least, forcing and demanding change from him.
best of luck to you, and take good care of the kiddos,
walt
Re:Another leaver here... caringmom: CP,
You are definately being too hard on yourself. I know what it's like with an alcoholic. There is no more you can do or say to change him. That's his responsibility to change his ways, not yours. You have to think of you and your children (especially your children). That is not a good environment for them to live in at all. He seems to be all talk and no action and I don't blame you for being the leaver here.
Unless he really wants to change, it's not going to happen. There is only so much you can do for him and your marriage. I'm not one for divorce, but in situations like this, there comes a time when you don't have a choice. Take care of yourself and your children and remember you always have us here to help you through it. (((((HUGE HUGS))))) to you and your children.
Re:Another leaver here... Druid13: I have mixed feeling on this one...
My ex claimed alot of 'reasons' for cheating on me...one was "well if you had not started drinking"....Fact was she comes from a family who doe snot drink...in fact it is almost looked at as some kind of sacrige. Fact was for awhile I was drinking beer while watching football games...lazy yes..problem no. After she told me about the affair...my drinking got worse...I used it as a tool of escape.( not a good choice) I felt horrible about myslef and the relationship. My father has a history of drinking problems ( much worse than anything I ever did)...however I vowed to quit again. The day about a little over a year ago my ex told me the affair continued ( for 3 years off and on) I told her I wanted to quit and to work on the marriage again....she then turned around 4 days later and changed her mind.....then threw EVERYTHING at me as reasons for why it could not work...I told her I was going to change with ...or without her...and I did. Sometimes I see so many probelms we had in the mix I don't know how we could a fixed it all....however....I still loved her...and I still think it was worth a shot. Throw into the mix...her family does not 'believe' in therapy or councilors...( think everyone in the profession is a person with problems)...and it became an absolute no win. So in my opinion...I cannot burn anyone at the stake over a drinking problem ( mine was beer alone)....and obviously drinking is a less serious 'offense' I'd say than infidelity.( she even agreed on this one) ...bottom line...I feel my ex left me when I needed her the most...and wound up with someone new...from the affair. I also believe based on hurtful statements she made ( she swung back and forth ) that she did not want to save things...it was a combination... all I know is I am a better person....and maybe she could have seen that if she had given it one more shot. I guess the bottom line is you cannot beat yourself up ....if someone does not love you....however I would recommend counciling to anyone considering divorce too...if both parties want it.
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