The lowest point yet... timetobefree: I sit here with tears pouring down my face as I write this. M stopped over to drop off mail (which the f*cking post office cannot figure out how to forward...another rant, another day). It's 46 hours until we are divorced, and it struck me that this is most likely the last time that I will see him before we head into be divorced. To say it hit me like a ton of bricks would be the understatement of the year. I broke down. I fell apart. I don't want this at all. I just don't. Right now, I don't care what he has done or how much he has hurt me, because it can't possibly be anything compared to the pain I am feeling right now. Not even close. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think, everything I do, everything I see, everything I feel right now reminds me how much I am hurting. Reminds of me what I am about to lose. Reminds me of what I couldn't make work. Reminds of how much I loved him, and still do, and how that wasn't enough. If this is any indication of how I am going to feel at the divorce hearing, I really don't think I can do it. I am not strong enough emotionally. I just am not.
For the first time since this all started, he apologized. I think he finally felt one iota of the pain I am feeling and apologized for hurting me. He asked me if I will ever forgive him, and I told him honestly, for my sake, I had to, but that I certainly was not doing it to make him feel any better. In return, I asked him if he would ever forgive himself, which actually brought tears to the bastard's eyes. Good. You deserve to cry, you selfish bastard. You deserve every ounce of pain you feel because you did this. You hurt me, you hurt yourself, your hurt our families, you hurt our friends, you hurt my soul, and you hurt my heart.
Dreading Monday with all that I am,
Amy :(
Re:The lowest point yet... Bug: :( HUGS bear hug Amy. I'm not sure what else to say other then the pain will get better. A little at a time but it will. PM or IM me if you want to talk.
[deleted] naz999: [deleted">
Re:The lowest point yet... amess: Amy, I think that D day is probably the roughest part of the whole process, and being so close to it, you cannot help but have the pain you have, and all of those terrible feelings. It is especially hard for those of us who never wanted it, but was forced on us. However, you are not the failure here, you didn't fail your marriage, he did. It takes two to make it work, one cannot do it alone. I dread my D day, because I know how traumatic it will be for me, to stand there and witness the death of something that had started out so good, and could have continued to be, if my H hadn't gone insane. It is a death, and you are grieving, but you know what? You WILL make it through the day, even if you have to take a tranquilizer, etc. You will make it because you have made it this far. Your feelings won't kill you, and you can cry and scream all you want to and need to. We're all here for you, with open arms, and you can find strength in us. Love Greta
Re:The lowest point yet... amess: Hugs to you too, Naz, we'll all be thinking about you.
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