for whom the bell tolls cloud: Tomorrow, it tolls for me.
This may be a two-part post or just a long one.
It's Sunday afternoon. I'm up at work--trying to catch up on work, my bills, etc.
I went to church this morning thinking that it was the right thing to do. Like a soldier who sees a chaplain before going into battle--and fearing the worst of combat.
Tomorrow is my court date. The divorce will be wrapped up tomorrow--much to my ex's satisfaction.
I knew it wasn't going to be much fun---but now it's double because my ex will be there since there is a child support $$ amount to be resolved. To her, it's a business meeting. To me, it's another day of feeling like God is bouncing my world like a basketball with me clutching on to it for my life.
In the past five years, I've lost my dog, lost my house, lost my car (stolen), lost my wife, and somewhat lost my daughter now that I see her only according to visitation. In addition, I've lost 20K, which is debt for me to handle, and a rather high $$ amount each month on child support (which I'm forcing myself to believe goes directly to the benefit of my daughter and not my ex). On top of that, I've also lost my position as a top performer in my marketing department. My boss gave me the talk on Friday about how I was screwing up too much lately.
So what am I holding on to now? In my effort to do all I could for my wife and family, I lost myself along the way. Where is the purpose in this life? This is going to be a long post. I was in church--a beautiful church--and I thought to myself how insignificant all of the stained glass and marble and decoration was. And I'd look at the people all dressed up--wearing diamonds and jewelry and expensive watches and suits. I felt like going to a church under a tent somewhere where everyone was in jeans and barefoot with the grass under your toes. Just to be in touch with the world--and maybe God, too.
So where do I go from here? Not sure who would want to date a guy with 20K worth of debt and monthly child support payments. How about a date at Sonic? I'll get the tater tots and she pays for the Lime Slushes.
What do I want from life? Do I want to marry again? Not anytime soon. Yet, I see couples with infants and kids, and it makes me want more kids. It makes me wish my daughter would have brothers and sisters. Yet, I couldn't afford them.
I just wish I could have a moment right now where someone would come up from behind me and wrap their arms around my neck and squeeze me, and not let go.
I feel like I've spent the past six years doing the best I could and it never working out in my favor. I was laid off twice. Knocked out my front tooth a year ago--the bright side is the crown makes my teeth look straighter).
My biggest problem is the fact that I think there is more to my life than I've experienced. I feel like I have some greater purpose in this world but when will I ever realize it--or will I just go through life wondering when I will find why I'm special and unique, and what special gifts I have for the world, and learn on my death bed that it was just a romantic notion that I carried in my head for all my years.
I know there is a song section, but the following lyrics really capture where I'm at with my life. They've always captured who I am--during marriage and now.
Five for Fighting----Superman (It's Not Easy)
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird:I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train and
It's not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream but
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away:away from me
It's all right:You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy:or anything:
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me.
Re:for whom the bell tolls barelybreathing: Big cyber hugs to you, my friend!
I pray that tomorrow is a day of enlightenment, peace and new beginnings for you.
(Sometimes your biggest losses can be your best gains.)
Read below my signature quote.....I think it has such relevance.....
BB
Re:for whom the bell tolls amess: Cloud, tomorrow will be a death, and also, a rebirth. Somewhere, there is a window open, and you just have to find it. All is temporary, nothing remains static; your debt, your feelings of emptiness, your dating prospects. All you have lost you can and will regain. As you found ppl in your same situation on Ojar, so will you find others out there who would love to have a chance to be with you, money or no money. You have the chance to do it all over again, and with the benefit of knowledge, being wiser for the experience. And, you have the time. This is not the end. The end is when you truly give up, and you have not done that, nor are you dead. You're alive and kicking, and you will move thru this. Greta
