wanting her back Kinney26: I find myself really wanting my stbx back these days. The anger is gone and I have been nice to her and she has been nice to me. We will just have little small talk here and there about work, or school, or our son. Just little stuff once in a while. It was much easier when I was angry all the time and just wanted to rip her head off. Now with us being civil and nice I find myself really missing her because I know we can get along. We will tell each other to have a good day and stuff like that when we talk. This sucks. ???
Kin
Re:wanting her back Spectrum: Kin,
I know the feeling. Whenever I talk to my ex I'm confronted with two things:
1. He is being a much better partner to his current gf than he ever was when I was with him; more understanding, more patient, more tolerant of new experiences, the works.
2. He still wants me back.
Knowing that I could presumably have the "new and improved" ex back is a little bit of torture. Who am I kidding? I still love the guy. But loving him and being able to trust him are two very different things.
Even as I sat here typing, my mind ran through the "what if" scenario: what if I called him up this minute and told him I wanted him back?
Well, for starters, I'm sitting here in VT working on my equestrian education and the eventual dream of teaching/training professionally. He's still in MN with no clue what he wants to do with his life.
So if I called him up, he'd sit in MN and theoretically hang out waiting for me for how many years until I decide I'm ready to return? And where would the OW, his current gf, be during all this?
Uh uh, no way. That scenario just doesn't play out for me. And quite honestly, not too many scenarios with *any* significant other play out for me these days, because of my current career goals. And forget about any situation where there might be trust issues involved.
I dunno. I can't tell you anything concrete besides, "The less you talk to her, the better you'll feel." I know that is how it works for me these days.
Hugs,
Spectrum.
Re:wanting her back lovelost: Don't you think that maybe on round two you guys could make it work. Knowing everything you know now. Knowing the others faults and the horrors that you have been through.
Don't you think after both of you have been drawn to your knees in this nightmare, you both might be different people and you might be able to get past it all.
Re:wanting her back Kinney26: Frid,
I understand what you are saying, but my situation is a little different. There was no infedelity, no shirtless boy toy. I think it was just mostly immaturity and a hugh lack of communication. I know I have come a long way and I have learned a lifetime of knowledge in the past 5 months. I just feel that things could be different. I know I could be a better husband if she wanted to be a good wife. The fact is, there has been no talk about reconciliation, but sometimes I just wonder, what if?
Re:wanting her back Druid13: In my situation that is ovisouly not an option...since she has remarried. However at one time I did feel like that. I wrote many many long letter to my ex telling her how I really felt....pleaded with her in essence. None of it doing me or anyone really any good. I was completely crushed . By myself and had nothing else to think about...so I wrote long letters to her.
Looking back it almost made no sense....I had my problems...we had our problems but she cheated on me...and I blamed myself so much and thought I would do better...? I know others have felt this way.
I know for a fact now the reason I was drinking was probably becuase I was afraid to show her my vulnerability about things and tell her my true feelings. We would have needed alot of work. To me it would have been worth it. Times were not always bad for us...I wanted to somehow go back to the good ones. Instead I am left feeling that I cannot speak with her without hurting. It has been an awful lot to go thru for the past year for me. Finding out the affair continued...her acting like she wanted to end it and fix things with me...then changing her mind...then wanting divorce....demanding it...then annoucing to me she was remarrying ( which even after everything was still a shock if you can believe it)....those are alot of wounds to heal. All of this was very fast also I might add.
At one time I considered her my best friend though...so I understand wanting her back...there are times I have felt sompletely lost without her...I have been trying to prove to myself I can do it on my own...when she offered to help me look for a place I refused becuase of things she or her family had helped wiht in the past ..came back in my face during the seperation process....making me feel terrible for accepting anything from her at all...
still I am a long way from being happy right now...but I am surviving...that was my promise to myself was to expect nothing from myself other than survival.
I've learned alot of thing frmo this mistakes I made...but sometimes question...things she did which were good that she later made me feel bad over? Should I feel guilty? Is it abnormal to accept good things when you love somebody? Those are questions I am left with right now. Example: her parents paid for a vacation for us...it was a Christmas present from them...later she made me feel guilty over that...how is something of that sort right?I felt it was guilt over what she had done to me...she knows ...has to know in her heart she has hurt me worse than anyone in my entire life...she is not a stupid person.
The whole experience has made me gunshy about thinking of anyone else also. She literally somehow made me feel terrible for loving her.
sorry for rambling..but I had alot of thoughts today.
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