How do I learn how to let go???? jen: I'm new here to OJAR and have been reading the posts for a while, and found the collective experience here very helpful!
Well, I was blindsided by my husband's confession 3 months ago that he had been having an affair. I knew something was wrong, but I NEVER would have guessed that it was an affair. We had just bought our first house a month and a half before and we were trying to start a family, which I thought we were both excited about (evidently, it was just me). About a month before the confession, he told me he wasn't sure about having children right now and also told me then that he was depressed. So, we decided to put off starting a family. About a month later, I am still concerned about him being depressed and finally am suggesting that he talk to a therapist or doctor an maybe consider meds. He confesses that he has been having an affair, has been unhappy for many years (we have been married for 8, together for 12) and didn't want to talk about his concerns b/c he didn't want to hurt me ???
He agreed to go to marriage counseling, but when we showed up for our 1st appt, he said he wanted out, didn't want to work on things, wanted to be free. Then, said, if it is meant to be, maybe we will remarry.? He also said that he had ended things w/ OW. Counselor suggest trial separation where we go our separate ways for 3 months and then make a decision. That would have been this weekend. However, 1 mo. into trial sep., found out he was still seeing OW... and he said, "I need you to let me go." He filed for divorce a few weeks ago and the legal process is started.
In my head, I know that I will be better off. All the trust is gone. The person that I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. Rationally, I can look back at the last 5 years and see how difficult they were. I had always made excuses for how difficult things were - job changes, relocating, etc. etc. I can even look back and see clearly all the red flags and little things I shouldn't have let go and should have confronted, but at the time didn't see like such a big deal in the big picture and long haul. I can also see how I contributed to his perception of things.
But, in my heart, how do I let go of the anger and bitterness and even jealousy that he is off w/ OW while I am in our new house alone? Most of the time, I am functioning OK, but I still work myself into a frenzy when I hear about his new life from others (what's worse, sometimes I ask, even though I know I don't want to know and that it will hurt)
I know it hasn't been very long, but I feel like I'm either a complete downer to talk to or an angry whirlwind.
As difficult as this has been, I know that the situation could be much worse and I have also been very blessed by wonderful family and friends and in-laws. :) I get great advice about not taking things personally and not letting what he does have any more power in my life. And, it all makes sense - in my head. If only someone could tell me HOW to let it go of the old dreams and not care about what he's doing now...
That ended up being kind of long...thanks for listening.
Re:How do I learn how to let go???? lifechange: Hey,
You came to a great place. Your feelings are certainly valid. I am sorry I don't have an answer for you about letting go. I'm not much good at it either. I am at the 5-6 week mark of separation and I can relate b/c my husband left for the same reason (minus the infidelity). He just said he doesn't love me, he's not happy, he wants his freedom. It hurts no doubt about that.
The only advice I can offer is to take one day at a time. Sometimes it is even about taking one minute at a time. You need to do whatever is going to bring you comfort right now....and only you know what that is. Hang in there and know that we are all going through the same thing together. Turn to others on the site for support, or even just to let the steam out. Lots of hugs to you!
L
Re:How do I learn how to let go???? Spectrum: How do you let go of the anger and bitterness?
Well, first off, it isn't a quick process. You loved this man and had many years together, so it is going to sneak up on you periodically no matter what.
But the best course of action once divorce is the inevitable path is to rebuild your life from the ground up. Take the brings you have, get some other bricks, and get cracking.
This is a time for you to figure out what makes you happy in life, and do what you need to do to make it happen. Get your job where you want it, get your living arrangement where you want it, and get your free time where you want it.
Keep yourself busy with things that fulfill you. Do more of your favorite hobbies or start a new one. Spend time with friends and people you care about, particularly ones with upbeat attitudes and good mental health.
Surround yourself with people you want to be like; it will rub off!
Obviously this won't happen overnight, but you can start planning now and put the little things into motion. Nothing is more satisfying in these trying times than taking control of your life and infusing it with positive things.
Good luck and best wishes,
Spectrum.
