Advice to newcomers dangergirl: Hi there and welcome to our hell. If you are reading this, you are probably going through or thinking about going through a very painful experience. While family and friends are going to be your biggest network of support, be careful of the amount of information and the nature of information that you give them in the beginning.
The biggest mistake that I made when this all started was to bring too many people into my inner circle of hell. Bad mouthing the ex can be harmful later on if things start to settle down and you try to be friends or even reconcile. I told family and friends my side of things (which is human nature) and made him out to be the bad guy (which I still believe to be somewhat true ;)) but now I have a hard time talking to family and friends about all the things that I miss about my old life and talking about my potential reconciliation.
They think he is bad and I should stay away because they are afraid I am going to be hurt again. They can't protect me from that but I could use their support now. I can understand that it is hard for them to just turn off their feelings of distaste for him and the situation that he has put us into by leaving because they are biased.
In the end you need to do what is right for you because it is your life and family and friends, while a part of it, do not live it. They will be your strongest supporters but also your worst critics.
Just some thoughts.
DangerGirl
Re: Advice to newcomers StarSailor: I couldn't agree more. As hard as it was to do, I hid my ex's and my marital problems for about 5 months. My family had no idea what was going on until she moved out. And even after that, I witheld the fact that she had been having an affair until I KNEW it was over. I was trying very hard to save the marriage and I knew that it would be all the harder if my family was trying to "help me see the light". Also, my ex would not have ever been able to face them again if they knew.
The decision to save or end a marriage is yours and yours alone. Don't allow others to "help" you make a decision.
Star
Re: Advice to newcomers down2basics: When my x and I split...he started the rumor with his family that I had left him for another man. Well...after a year went by and nothing supported his claim, he changed his tune to "we're working on reconciliation" - yeah - RIGHT!
It's true that you have to be careful what you disclose to your family and inner circle of friends. It's a double edged sword. I know at the time it's hard to discern what to tell and what not. Just like right now - if I said anything to anyone that I had had thoughts of going back to my x - my entire family would send out an entire squad of assasins for me!!! Hang me from the highest tree to stop me from making such a fatal mistake! All because I told them too much about the pain I was in when we split - even though it was me who left.
Dangergirl is right - be careful what you say and to whom! ;)
Re:Advice to newcomers notheonlyone: Have to agree with all comments...its complicated though. i mean you wouldnt tell tales from your bedroom or your most intimate conversations or experiences with anyone least of all your family...i mean when everything is going well its your relationship your marrage or union. but when things go bad...we start telling evryone evrything, even when they arent particularly interested. afterall the things i've said-(i'm no different)- to family and friends are things they are or were probrably saying to themselves "yeah me and so and so have, had the same problem...boy i hope i never get to the point where i'm telling all my buisness to evry one and any one" if your freinds and or family have ever had one argument with their significant other...trust me they know the sorid tales and can read between the lines of your break-up. save your sqwaking for "place like this board" or subject yourself to pitty and the enevitable "did you hear about so and so...yeah its so sad" comments. and who needs that.
Re:Advice to newcomers jillieb44: I've told my side in basic terms -- cuz prior to my walking out most people had no idea that I was so miserable. The ex just went about his business as usual, oblivious and not caring that his actions were hurting those he was supposed to love.
My biggest hope is that the ex will get the help he needs for his serious depression, and the loneliness of his family gone will make him think about the way he treats people (he's extremely judgmental and controlling and angry and negative and overall impossible to be around).
But I won't reconcile at this point. I'm enjoying my freedom to be myself for the first time in years without someone criticizing my every move. And I'm trying to move beyond the pattern when he says/does things when we're interacting because of the kids.
Jillie
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