Torn between spounse and friends RJM: My husband left me in the middle of April, a week after he found out I was pregnant. We also have a son who is turning a year old at the end of this month. There was talk initially about making things work, but at the end of May he said he wasn't willing to commit to our marriage. I filed for divorce and our court date is scheduled for the end of December. We had to sell our house in the process and I recently moved into a townhome.
During the moving process, my husband and I once again tried to make things work. It lasted a week and a half--and I was so happy. He was the person I married, not the person I no longer recognized. Then he slammed on the brakes -- he couldn't just jump back in like this, we needed to take it slower. Well, it has been quite a rollercoaster ride for the past 3 weeks. Sometimes it seems like things will be OK and other times it doesn't. He has finally agreed to go to counseling and we are scheduled to begin that shortly.
During this time, I have 1-2 friends that I have confided in. They hear about all the highs and lows and all the stuff in between. They have been a life saver to me...but I guess this has gone on too long for them. They absolutely hate my husband and I know that is largely my fault, because I have said too much. I feel like I am on the verge of losing my very good friends for a husband I don't even really have. They are distant now, I know they think I am so pathetic for what I am willing to put up with.
But I just can't walk away if I think there is a chance. We have 2 children (the new baby is coming in 3 months!) and I wonder if I am patient, we may come out with a better and stronger marriage in the end. I am amazed at the amount of forgiveness I have in me. I love him still, even after all the crap, I would give up anybody in my life who wouldn't accept him...but it feels like such a gamble at this point. It is such a lonely feeling...
Does anyone else have this problem? Torn between family/friends and trying to work things out with their spouse? How do you handle it?
Re: Torn between spounse and friends Brian75034: They dont sound like very good friends to me.
Friends stick by your side no matter what. Wrong or right decisions, its still yours to make and your life to live.
Re: Torn between spounse and friends INCT: RJM,
All I can say is that my family gave me the worst advice in the world. I was so hurt and didn't know where to turn , so I followed it.. It was one of my biggest mistakes.
Edit: My suggestion.. follow your heart..
INCT.
Re: Torn between spounse and friends time4me: I have found that problem too. I definitely get the feeling like a lot of my friends are getting tired of hearing about my problems with my ex (especially since they have been against him for a while). My divorce just became final and I feel like a burden to talk to some of my friends - like I should be over it. However, my issues are not about what the state thinks and the decree did not resolve my feelings toward him. I have been thinking of seeing a counselor only for the fact that they would have to listen to me and wouldn't be involved so closely to the situation - but I am not quite there yet. Maybe that would help you out too.
Re: Torn between spounse and friends Carrie: DEFINITELY see a counselor!! The worst time in this process for me was when I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about what I was thinking. I didn't want to talk to my husband until I understood why I was feeling unhappy. I didn't want to talk to my close friend because she is also a good friend of my husband's too. I didn't want to talk with my mother because I thought she would think less of me for thinking about leaving. (Ok, so it's obvious now that I have a bit of a self-esteem problem... I'm trying to work on that.)
Having a counselor has been a godsend! It's awfully good to have someone who isn't involved to talk with. My counselor is able to ask me really good questions, ones that I wouldn't have thought to ask myself. Questions from all points of view - not just those that my injured self would ask.
I know that counselors can be expensive - but your mental health is definitely worth it!! Even if you can only afford to see someone a few times, you'll already be able to think about things more clearly. Many counselors also have sliding pay scales for people who truly can't afford them or don't have insurance.
It's important to "interview" a couple of different counselors so that you can find someone you feel comfortable with and has the expertise that you are seeking. My counselor is a behavior and cognitive specialist - she works on helping me break my bad thinking habits and replacing them with more positive habits (e.g., improving my self-esteem).
You can even just get a feeling for the counselor from a phone conversation. I chose mine over another because (1) she returned my call the soonest, (2) she sounded truly interested in helping me. The other person didn't call back for 3 days and sounded suspicious about why I was calling HER. Maybe it was just a bad day for her, but I went with my gut feeling and I've been very happy with the person I chose.
Best wishes!!
-Carrie
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