Re: Torn between spounse and friends JimB: This all makes me realize how lucky I've been with my friends.
At the time of my initial separation, my friends really stepped up. I was pleasantly surprised, in many cases, by the level of support I got. When we decided to reconcile, there was a lot of doubt expressed, but the undercurrent of support was still there. And now that it's ended again, I'm learning again who my true friends are.
At the same time, I've been somewhat careful about who I tell what. I have friends who are able to just listen, nod their heads, and tell me I'm doing the right thing. And I have friends who are going to have opinions no matter what, and they are going to share them. So I pick my friends depending on what I need at the moment. And I'm very careful with those who were friends with both my wife and I - I don't want to put them in a position where they have to take sides.
The thing that bothers me the most is the few friends who've gotten all funny with me when I tell them I'm getting a divorce. I have one friend in particular who's done (and doing) this - he's married, and his marriage has also been challenging at times. When I told him before that I was getting divorced, his vibe toward me changed. It was subtle, but definitely different - more remote. When I told him about the reconciliation, things snapped back to the way they had been. Odd. I just told him about the end of the reconciliation yesterday - it'll be interesting to see what develops. Anybody else have experiences like this?
Anyway, I've found that when I'm suffering, the cream really rises to the top among my friends. I rediscover who my real friends are, and it's a wonderful thing.
Jim
Re: Torn between spounse and friends dangergirl: This is something that really bothers me because my friends and family hear all of the bad things and really hate my husband right now. And when I say good things about him, they tell me that I am only feeling nostalgic for the past. I know they mean well but they are not living in my shoes at the moment and all I want them to do is nod their heads and listen.
And now, my husband and I have decided that while we are going to stay separated, we are going to give it 3 months until we decide if we really want the divorce. And in that time, we will work on ourselves first and foremost and on us and the relationship to see if it can be salvaged and nurtured back to health. I dread telling those closest to me because of all the hurt and frustration that I have been through in the last two months, they will think I am nuts or wasting my time. I can just hear my father now when I tell him that we are taking the divorce thing slower than we were. But again, I need to do what is right for me and for us and not worry about other people. Those who truly care about me will understand and be there for me if it succeeds or if it fails.
You need to do what you feel is right and not worry about others.
Good luck.
Re: Torn between spounse and friends SoSad: My marriage, if I'm honest hasn't been "good" in a long time. My husband became very distant, moody, depressed. He held me responsible for EVERYTHING that went wrong. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I share in the responsibility, but it's not all mine.
Here is the thing. I've recently found out that he's been talking to his "friends" for quite some time about us. Of course, he told them HIS side, and because these are people he works with, they don't know me, and have been telling him to leave this miserable woman who has done nothing but cause you pain. These people are not his friends. Even when I did confide in my friends, the few I did talk to, would say, "Okay, and what did YOU do." Because most of my friends understand that it takes two. Personally, I think my husband and I could have worked things out, if he was talking to ME, and not these so called friends who wanted to believe he was the chior boy. I guess that these same people feel he was totally justified in sleeping with his mistress too.
Anyway, I'm getting to my point, I swear. Since our seperation, I've been telling my friends all the "bad" stuff about my husband. They are pretty angry with him. Actually, they are MAD AS HELL!!! They are mad that he was badmouthing me all over the neighborhood. They are mad that he has abandoned his children, and are basically holding us hostage. He doesn't come and see the children, and because I have no family in the area (and very few friends as I've been a stay at home mom) I am forced to depend on his "genorosity". He won't allow the children to call him, and won't come and see them. I had to BEG him to come stay with two of the kids so I could take the third to an emergency room. He wouldn't come, so I had to drag all three out, THEN he meets us in the ER. These things make my friends mad, but they also understand I've put a lot into this marriage, and that if it's fixable, I want to fix it. Most of them are in marriages that have had their share of ups and downs. They've heard me talk about all his wonderful qualities. (which he does have, he's just not allowing me and the kids to see them right now) They understand that I've given my life to this man and this marriage. If it can be fixed, I want to do whatever I can do to fix it....I fully understand that my husband has to want it also, and if he doesn't, there isn't anything I can do. But, my friends have been here for me, and I don't think they would abandoned me because I choose to want to work on the commintment that I've made. I think most of them would feel the same way.
Sue
