Re: The little ones get hurt too Anna: My children were 4, 2, and newborn when my ex left us for the final time. It was a really painful and difficult time for my little ones. I thought about how hard it was for me to accept, and I could understand what was going on, so I knew it would be really hard for them. Transitions were the worst - they continue to be a bit stressful, but time has helped this too, like all things. Two things helped me.....knowing the transition time would be difficult and planning accordingly, and jumping us into family counseling with a Christian counselor right away. He helped the older two with some issues - they role played with stuffed animals, and were able to talk about their feelings and do some problem solving. He also helped me know how best to help them. It was a really positive experience. The hardest thing about my entire divorce, even more than all the cheating and lies, was seeing my children in pain. To some degree, I'll always feel bad that I couldn't spare them of this. I know I did what I could, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. On the bright side, I think my children are happy and well adjusted, and that hopefully it won't be a negative shadow hanging over their childhood. I'll keep your little ones in my prayers!
Re: The little ones get hurt too Lisaf: MeganB -
I don't think 3 is too young to understand what's going on at all! But you have to put things in terms that the child will understand. For example, Alex understands that "Mommy and Daddy don't live in the same house anymore" and that "things are different now". I try to put positive spins on everything...about how we both still love them, it wasn't their fault and that grownups love children differently than they love each other (shame about that isn't it?).
As for going against what dad is telling her...why not? He's taking the easy way out by trying to make her think he's at work! There's no easy way out here! She's already feeling like she's lost control of her world and now she's being shuttled back and forth between you...obviously she's going to act out! She was wants her comfy familiar world back. Unfortunately she can't have it...what she can have is all the love, understanding and honesty from you that you can give her.
Try to help her identify her feelings when she first starts "acting out"...stuff like "You must feel sad about having to leave mommy's house" or "Its hard when you can't see daddy so much anymore" or "Are you worried about things when they change?" Angry, defiant behaviour comes when children feel out of control...they are ASKING you to help them feel in control and understand. They don't like feeling that way anymore than you like having to deal with it. I know its hard to not lose your cool sometimes...we're all human!
Anna - I like the idea of role-playing with animals and stuff. I might try that at home. Its such a great way to give kids a chance to work through good ways to deal with tough situations.
Re: The little ones get hurt too meganB: Lisa-
Absolutely. Most of what you said (about telling my daughter that Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together anymore, that things are different and how, what we're going to be doing for the near future, etc.) are things I've been trying to do, but I guess it's just hard to put it into terms she understands.
My daughter is her own worst enemy-- she's incredibly intelligent and communicative for three, and sometimes it's hard to remember she IS just three! When she acts like a typical toddler, my first instinct is to think, "who is this child??!" But there are things she doesn't understand and doesn't have the vocabulary to express. She has a bear she talks to, and her imaginary friend visits (the imaginary friend still lives at our old house, in her old room. It breaks my heart!) but it's difficult for her to tell us how she feels when she's upset, she tends to shut down. We've actually got an apointment with a child therapist next week, and I'm hoping she (the doctor) can help my daughter identify her feelings better, realize it's okay to be sad, and supplement the things I've been trying to get through (we both still love her, she can talk to us any time she needs to, if I leave her eyesight I WILL be coming back, etc.) I'm also hoping she can help me with some stragedies on how to handle the meltdowns, the loss of appitite, loss of sleep, and the transitions between my house and her Dad's.
In May he's leaving to join the Navy, so hopefully we can get some of this taken care of before she's hit with yet another huge adjustment. Some parents just can't put their kids first. I never thought the father of my children would be one of them!!
Thanks for your help, Lisa. You had a lot of really good ideas I'm going to try. :)
Re: The little ones get hurt too MARVINCHASER: This is no doubt the worse part of this whole mess. All I can think about when my 5 yr old cries for his daddy is all the pain I felt when my parents got a divorce. There's absolutley nothing I can do or say to make this better for him. I just hold him when he cries and try to listen to him. It's really hard some days b/c I want to sit down and cry with him. I mean what do I say when he asks why daddy doesn't live here anymore? I'd like to hear a good answer to that one myself! I did get him a calendar so he can mark off the days until he sees daddy again.That helps him keep the days straight.
Re: The little ones get hurt too Lisaf: No good answers to that one...here's my current favourite:
"Grownups love each other differently than how they love their children. Sometimes things change and grownups can't stay in the same house anymore because they have too many fights and its better if they don't live together anymore." Be sure to mention that he had nothing to do with it...not his fault etc etc.
An "its okay to be sad" is helpful too...and I have to say that I've told my daughter that I'm sad about it too...although I never say that its because he stopped loving me...just that I would have rather had the family stay the way it was but it just can't be that way.
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