lost mindracing: There are so many twists to this story, I can't even make sense of things anymore. First of all, my husband and I are in total financial ruin right now. Money's never been good for us, but right now we're both unemployed (him laid off, then we move back to our hometown), so 1. Lawyers, 2. Professional Counseling, and 3. A separate residence are currently out of the question. The town we moved back "home" from is 1 1/2 hr away, has all of my friends, has 20x's (literally) the job vacancies than our small, poor hometown, as well as....the man that I have undeniable fell in love with. To make things more complicated, he's not available, but the girl he's with is EXTREMELY manipulative & exploits the fact that he pays 1/2+ their bills without any ownership, as well as tries to monopolize every friendship he has. Thus far he remains loyal to her, but at times it's almost obvious that the reason is probably b/c he has zero family and thinking "no where to go". My husband and I have been able to talk about my changing feelings which are not just tied to this new guy. Rather, I have spent the majority of my kids' lives in an isolated town without supportive family (in my hometown or away) while my husband was gone to work 15 hrs a day due to a commute. I've never denied that he is a wonderful father...but it seems like our entire family has a strong, old fashioned opinion that if HE's a GOOD father, then that must mean one thing...I'M a shitty mother. I have had some major depression issues over the last 1-2 yrs (my kids are 5 & 2) and my worst behavior has shown through it, but it's like this continual redundant theme I hear is his wants/needs/actions/whatever getting justified, while I am told to buckle up/get over it/you made your decision a long time ago....type stuff. I went to apply for a job in "the other town" so that I could begin saving my money for a place. My husband and I even discussed custody, agreeing to allow primary physical custody to be with him since a)no housing costs (my mom and dad own the house), b)the only time our family is a part of the kids' lives is if they're living in hometown, c)my husband can get electrical/construction/maintenance work in the hometown rather easily, where as the area is dead to pursuing a lucrative photography career, my absolute dream. Well, after I got home from applying for this new job, husband said my mom wanted to talk to me...my 5 yr old let the word out. She told me to "grow up and be a real mama" (coming from someone highly responsible and pretty successful, but a total emotional let down my whole life, even blaming rape on me when I was 14), reminded me that my kids didn't ask to be here, how do I expect to even live/afford a place alone, why am I "giving up my kids"---which I'm sorry, I cannot even imagine my kids being told or thinking I "gave them up" or gave them away. My parents told me not to expect one tiny bit of any kind of support, moral/moving furniture there or back/money. I couldn't even imagine asking them for money for just myself anyway. They even started naming all these couples they know with real a**holes for husbands and how much they hated each other, "but THEY'RE still together...they can't leave, between the kids and the debt" Me wanting to be a strong influence and guiding friend in my kids' life is not a question. But even if I got my own place near to their home, there are just not any jobs around to support myself on, much less still spoil my kids with occassionally. My 5 yr old and I are extremely close, and I try to keep him informed about changes before they're happening. I'm terrified that I really am going to make my kids hate me, and that I 'm going to bust at all my dreams, and still not even have a mom to call during a nervous breakdown. I am getting med. for my depression, but when extremely high anxiety situations(ex: threatened to have my kids taken away) cloud me (and especially when I feel alone in the world) I begin to panic to the point of near insanity. I need any advice I can get...thanks
Re: lost dave13: Hey where the support for mindracing here guys?
From what you are saying about your family I do not get a very good impression. My situation is very different from yours but being raised by (or me raising) a single mother with a disaproving family I have some sympathy. It is going to be hard but you will make it. Don't worry about what your kids will think of you down the road. Teenagers are supposed to be hell anyway. All you can do is try to give them all the love and tools to succeed that you can. Things will be tight but that doesn't mean that you can't have some good times with your kids.
Re: lost kashoh: mindracing,
I'm sorry you are going through these tough times. I don't have any advice for you but this: Copy and paste this post into a new post in the 'Tell your story here' forum. Many people never check this forum.
