Re:Unattractive marfanoidus: I IMed you lovelost, but the more I think about this, the more I want to say.
You are young, educated, and have no children. As soon as you make yourself available on 'the market', men will be pouring over one another to have a chance at you. But considering how much you miss your ex, I would advise you to get over him first before making yourself 'available'.
As I said in the IM, the feelings you are having of rejection are normal, and they lead to rebound relationships.
You know, I'm 34, 6'5", 230lbs, clean cut. My 37 year old ex of 14 years threw me out and immediately jumped into a relationship with a 52 year old, thrice divorced, gray headed, scruffy looking, guitar playing, denture wearing short man - I'm not making any of that up, either.
This may have made some men really question themselves, but none of it bothered me in the least because it has nothing to do with who I am. Who and what she likes has nothing to do with me. So what if I don't fit the bill? I can't fit the bill for every woman on the planet, so why worry?
And you know what - if every woman in the world but one looked at me and found me unattractive or even repulsive, but the one woman found me handsome and this one woman was right for me and I for her, I would consider myself among the luckiest of men throughout the ages.
Some women will reject me because of my looks, some because of my religion, some because I'm too tall (one woman said her cut-off line was 6'4" - no kidding). As I told you before, I want to be rejected by those who are not right for me.
Looks fade with time, are they something to which we should bestow a high degree of importance?
What is important is for us to find confidence in who we are:
If someone is vain and one to whom appearance is extremely important, their confidence will someday be shaken and destroyed as they have to cope with the effects of age;
If someone finds their identity in the car they drive or the woman/man on their arm or the jewelry on their wrist, what happens to their confidence when the car or arm decor is taken away?
If I find confidence in what I have to offer a woman (such as loyalty, honor, respect, dignity, tenderness, caring) - then there is no aging, illness, or catastrophe which can take those away from me, or can shake my confidence in who I am.
So, I encourage you to spend some time, as most of us here probably need to, finding your confidence - finding who you are. When you discover that, many insecurities simply go away.
good luck to you,
walt
(sorry to all if this was way too rambling)
Re:Unattractive Suddenly Single: I have always been self conscious about my looks. I've never felt all that attractive. My ex never did a great job at making me feel good. Which it wasn't his job or anyone elses to make me feel good about myself but when a man helps to make a woman feel good about herself - it does help and it does feel good. It got to the point that I felt so bad about myself I just let myself go. I have lost about 25lbs now and feel better about myself. I still have about 30 more lbs to go. When the divorce happened I didn't realize how much it would affect my self esteem. I know it did. Because it did I ended up in a bad relationship with someone who wasn't worthy of me.
I think it is very normal to feel this way but we need to realize that just because one or two people do not find us attractive does not mean we are. We need to find within ourselves the qualities that make us attractive to someone else. What are positive things about us? Work on that list...not the list of what is wrong with us. I read once that our internal dialogue is 80% negative - no wonder people are in shitty moods. I know that if 80% of the time I'm talking bad about myself to me - of course I'm not going to feel good about me. I know for me that if I think someone is ok looking but I come to find out that they are a good, kind and caring person - that person all of a sudden is one of the best looking people I know. The inside makes the outside much more appealing.
Re:Unattractive down south xhubbie: Thanks for bringing up this topic. I got alot out of it as well. Everyone who replied did such a great job of giving good advice.
Walt's post was right on the money and something I had given alot of thought to. Now when I see someone that I think is attractive, I wonder what it would be like to sit on the porch in our old rocking chairs. Would she be someone that I would like to talk to or would we be bickering all the time? You never know that until you get to talk to someone first.
I also kind of liked Safety's advice too.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me! " ;D Thanks for the laugh. I hadn't thought of that in a long time.
Re:Unattractive Runehawk: [quote author=marfanoidus link=board=6;threadid=5501;start=0#msg42661 date=1100629047">
If I find confidence in what I have to offer a woman (such as loyalty, honor, respect, dignity, tenderness, caring) - then there is no aging, illness, or catastrophe which can take those away from me, or can shake my confidence in who I am.
[/quote">
Godd*mn! I've been recently asking myself: "What do I possibly have to offer a woman..." and you've gone and succinctly given me an answer! Many thanx! :)
Re:Unattractive lostinlife: Even though I am still married and he has not cheated on me - I feel unattractive. He barely touches me, never instigates intimacy and never looks at me with the love and desire that used to be there.
I have been married for 12 years, 2 children, and car accident that left me scarred (both physically and emotionally).
Marf - you are truly a wonder. I too will print out your post, and read it from time to time to make sure that I don't fall into the same pattern again.
Thanks for starting this post! Truly helpful for everyone.
LiL
Click More for the next page.
