Split after 11 years MR F: I have recently spilt from my wife after 11 years of marriage and feel terrible. We both met when we were 16 years of age and had our first child by the age of 18 and our second when we were 21. We are both now almost 35 and I have left home and living with a relative.
My wife says she is still very much in love with me, but unfortunately I don't feel the same way and to be honest I have never really been deeply in love with her. I have tried to work at our relationship over the years, but always in the back of mind I have known that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with this person.
I suppose we shouldn't have married really, but 11 years ago I had an enormous shock when I found out that she had planned a surprise wedding several weeks before it was due to take place. Initially I didn't want to , but felt I would be doing the right thing.
I had always planned to stay with my wife until both of our children had grown up and then I would try and make a new life for myself. Recently however we had a major argument during which she said that she felt that I didn't love her anymore. I couldn't go on lying to her any longer and told her that I didn't. I left that day and she was devastated. Telling my children that I was moving out is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, they were also very upset.
My wife has said that she wants me to move back and to try and make another go of it. I would love to move back if just for the sake of the kids but know that this would be for the wrong reason.
I feel at rock bottom at the moment due to all the upset I have caused, but couldn't go on living a lie. I have nowhere to live as yet and don't know what the future holds. I just hope that it doesn't have too much an adverse affect on the children, this is what really concerns me.
Thanks for listening.
Re:Split after 11 years ukchap: Hi Mr F
Sad to hear your story .. ....
My Wife left me after 10 years 7 of those Married ..
no kids though ....
What you said about never really having a deep love for your spouse may well be true and you are an honest person to admit to it ...
Many of the community here are on the recieving end of a walk away person and some have been treated pretty badly ...
If there is no other person involved in your break up
IE Physical and or emotional affair then your best bet is
to tell her this and not to offer your Wife any hope of you ever working it out ...
If you do not make it plain then it's going to be torture for her ...
there is no other way to put it ... I know first hand what false hope can do to the person waiting in vain for their loved one to return ...
Those with kids will no doubt chip in with their comments as to how best help the children get through this .. I will defer to their better understanding of these issues ...
but I would ask one thing before you do anything else
make sure this is really what you want .
UK Chap
Re:Split after 11 years Bug: as for helping your children through it. Talk to them and make sure they know you are not leaving them. That they will still have mom and dad that mom and dad will just happen to live in seperate places. Back this up as well by not becoming a weekend dad. See them as much as you can and spend quality time with them.
Re:Split after 11 years marfanoidus: Mr F,
[quote"> I have tried to work at our relationship over the years, but always in the back of mind I have known that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with this person.
[/quote">
What made you "always know"??
What has convinced you now, after 19 years and 2 children, that it is time to act, to rend, to destroy so much for so many people??
I may be way off here, but it sounds to me as though for a long time, perhaps even the duration of your relationship, you've had something else in mind as to what you want in life and love.
If you have a woman who loves you, has been faithful, has given you two children, and who wants you back - what on earth is pulling you away?
Do you want to live out some fantasies?
Do you have a picture in your mind where the grass is greener, and that picture doesn't include your wife?
Have you considered counseling - just you, to figure out why you're feeling like you 'have to leave now'??
Why, why on God's green earth do you want to cause such pain for your family?
Please, some information would be in order here.
walt
Re:Split after 11 years caringmom: Be honest with your wife. Make sure you take care of your kids. Your kids are number 1, make sure they know that. They are the innocent ones here. They need to know that none of this is their fault.
I still have a hard time believing your wife put together a surprise wedding. Even more surprised that you showed up. I couldn't show up if I really didn't want to get married. I know you thought you were doing the right thing, but you didn't even discuss marriage with her. You never asked her to marry you. I couldn't even fathom doing that to someone. Putting someone in that position that they felt they had to go through with it.
Good luck in what you decide to do. Make sure it's what you really want to do. Also, make sure you take care of the kids. Keep posting. The people on here are great with advice.
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