Re:Split after 11 years MR F: Thank you for all your replies. I knew that posting my story here wouldn't carry favour with everybody as I know a lot of you have been on the wrong end of a similar experience.
To give a bit more background, we were both 16 when we met and my wife was my first ever girlfriend. I had my first sexual experience with her and of course I was very naive when it came to relationships and contraception. My wife was then on the pill, but unfortunately, somehow, it didn't work and she became pregnant. My wifes father wanted us to abort, but being 17 year olds that knew everything, we were defiant and wanted to go ahead.
My first daughter was born and 8 months later we moved into our first accomadation. I thought everything was great, it was, like I said, my first relationship and I thought I was in love. Two years later, my wife was still taking the pill and again she fell pregnant and our second daughter was born when we were both 21, so as you can see both of our children were not planned, we didn't decide to have kids at all. That said, they are both the most remarkable kids you could ever wish for, I love them more than I can write and don't regret them coming in to this world one bit.
I made a decision when my wife was pregnant with our first child that I would stick by her and provide for our family. This decision was made, rightly or wrongly, on the basis that I thought I was doing the 'right thing'. It would have been very easy for me to just walk away when she fell pregnant and for our daughter to be brought up by just her mother and for them to be provided for by the Government. I didn't, accepted my responsibilities and provided for them.
In response to our marriage, my wife really wanted us to marry, but I didn't as I knew that in all truth she wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Eventually, more to try and passify her than anything I bought an engagement ring before our second child was born. I never intended to marry her and would always say 'what's the rush I'm happy as I am for the time being'. So as I said in my first post, it was with great surprise when I found out that she had arranged a surprise wedding. She thought that I would be thrilled, but as I said before I was shocked and to be truthful, very unhappy about it. I could have walked away again, but I felt that I had made a commitment to bring up my child and so I went ahead with it.
I know I should have told my wife about my true feelings for her right from the start, but I have always struggled to open up even to the closest of my family about how I've really felt. I have suffered with depression for the last 8 years and have been to counselling for it. I am also due to go again this week to start another session.
The first time I went 8 years ago was very helpful and I talked about everthing I have talked about in here. I knew then that the cause of my depression was the way I felt about being in a relationship with a woman I wasn't in love with. I knew then that I should have discussed with my wife my feelings for her but I didn't. I knew she would be devastated, and I suppose to be selfish I couldn't handle all the upset it would have caused.
So I carried on until a few weeks ago we had a massive argument and I told her how I really felt. She was devastated and told me to leave. We have talked more about our relationship since I left than we have all the time we were together which is sad I know.
I can assure you that I am not happy about the way my wife and children are feeling at the moment, it cuts me up to see them so upset. But I can't go back and pretend everything is going to be alright and possibly a few weeks later put them all through it again. I need a break now to think about what the future holds for us all. I see my kids regularly (they are now 17 and 14 years old) and I tell them every day that I love them to bits.
Thanks again.
Re:Split after 11 years bloke: I'm not picking a fight, I promise.
I need to ask, what is it that you think you will find outside of your marriage that you do not have in it? You say you are not "in love" - what is it that is missing that you think you will find somewhere else?
If she is not the one for you ... what do you think you will "feel" with someone new that you did not feel with your girlfriend when you were both 16? Can you remember how it felt when you were 16? And if you find those feelings with someone new, do you think you'll still feel them 20 years from now? How do you know? If you can't be certain, will you consider having children with someone new?
I don't know if you love your wife or not, but I do know that what you have NOW is probably as good as you will ever have. I do think being with the same person from 16 must be very hard in this society but I'm not sure you will find anything "better" just because you find something new, and as you have two kids I think you owe it to all concerned to try as hard as you possibly can to make your marriage work.
Just my two pence - what do I know?
Re:Split after 11 years richmds: I dont know what I should say.
If you think you dont love her and never did than do what you feel you must, but be easy on everyone. Right now you may be neutral or happy with your decision, but there are others in a world of pain you cant imagine.
At least do what you can to get them stable again so they can move on a be healthy. Or cut contact if thats what is needed, either way make sure the kids and ex-wife are ok before cutting loose.
I want to say you should stick around but honestly if I knew my spouse did not love me but was doing it for pity or some false reason that wouldnt be good either.
Re:Split after 11 years lifechange: I too am NOT picking a fight.....just picking your brain.
When you posted your story, I was sure you were my stbx! Our stories are eerily similar. So here is my question: If you are not interested in seeing someone else, what are you looking for? My stbx left for the EXACT same reason as you did so I am really curious as to what the motivator is.....
Thanks!
lc
Re:Split after 11 years amess: The only thing I wish you would do, for your own self, is to be honest and stop justifying actions. You gave her an engagement ring, BUT..... was she supposed to infer that you didn't mean it? Did you tell her it was to pacify her? Secondly, no one "falls" pregnant. Everytime you have sex you have to prepare for that event possibly happening. At least, responsible ppl do. After the first pill failure, you were not naive anymore. This attitude of " I just went along" and " I was trying to do the right thing" is what is not honest. I'm not trying to pick a fight here or preach either, I just think it would be a little more palpable if you take responsibility. That being said, I know you have been in pain over this, and this is a tough decision; however, read the posts on the board, and the pain your wife is feeling is worse than a death. It is indescribable. It is physical. It is the worst pain there is. So, try to be compassionate and giving at this time. That's all she wrote.
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