Re:Split after 11 years MR F: Thanks again for your replies.
In response to what am I looking for, I have to say I don't know at present. My wife asked me to leave a few weeks ago when I told her how I felt, looking back I maybe should have stayed but at that time she was understandably very upset so I left. Do I go on living with somebody I don't love to keep the family unit going? Trying to make everyone happy? Well I have tried to do that for the last 18 years and the only person who wasn't happy in all of this was me. These last couple of years I have really struggled with my emotions and slipped further into depression to the point where I was making my wife and children unhappy. Surely this can't be a good environment for any family.
I think some of you are under the impression that I am being very cold about this? I can assure you that this is tearing me to pieces, I may not love my wife the way she would wish me to, but I care for her and respect her enormously. I could not go on living this lie, she needed to know how I felt.
Here I will have to leave it for the time being as I am at work and need to get on.
thanks again.
Re:Split after 11 years bloke: Mr F
I don't think you're cold. I think after a while of reading people's painful posts you can tell which ones are in genuine emotional torment and which ones are just selfish, and I would guess that you are sincere.
However, I (like many many others here) have been on the receiving end of the "I love you but I'm not in love with you and I'm not sure I ever was" talk, and to most of us it just doesn't compute and we get stuck on it and can't seem to move on and get past it. You look inside yourself and around yourself, you trawl back through all your memories looking for the thing you did or said that changed the way she/he felt. What did I do wrong? Is this really all because I gained a few pounds or because I don't make as much money as you would like? Or maybe it's that you never loved me, but then I feel so very very stupid because I really truly believed we were both equally in love and that this was for life and if I was wrong about that then I really think I must be the most stupid worthless person alive and in the light of that some days I wish I was dead.
And that is probably how your wife is feeling right now.
For my part, when my wife says she doesn't know if she ever truly loved me I know she is wrong. I still remember the look in her eyes as she gazed into my soul and said "I do" She loved me alright, she has just got lost somewhere along the way.
So, we ask you these hard questions because we want we NEED to understand what is in your head in the hope that it will give us a clue why the person we love has said the cruellest thing imaginable to us.
Phil
Re:Split after 11 years down south xhubbie: I don't have anything to add, but I want to agree with Phil 100%. It's so hard to know where things went wrong when your spouse gives you lame excuses. In your case, maybe you didn't really love your wife, but I noticed that you mentioned that you thought you were in love for the first two years. Sometimes when people "fall" out of love, they rationalize their decisions by telling themselves that they were never really in love. I think (not sure ?)I read that in one of Michael's articles. He is the founder of Ojar. If you read some of the articles that are linked from the homepage here, I think it would be very beneficial to you or anyone else who is new here.
Phil, I'm with you on that thing about being in love. I know my wife also loved me at one time. She told me one time that she hoped things "would never get back to normal" for her. IOW, she wanted to be so in love that we neglected duties around the household. She began to gradually pull away from those ideas. You just keep asking yourself where did it all go wrong. If you ask or keep asking, they get mad. I had to stop asking a long time ago, because she said that it was harrassment. She still uses the same lame excuses (see the thread on lame excuses for adultery)
Re:Split after 11 years lifechange: [quote"> Do I go on living with somebody I don't love to keep the family unit going? Trying to make everyone happy?[/quote">
I am not suggesting that at all. I think as painful as it is, you did the best you could. It is not your action now that everyone is questioning. I am currently on the other side of the exact same situation, so for me, I just want to know why? (not from you but from stbx). He gave me the same reason and it just doesn't make sense to me.
[quote"> I think some of you are under the impression that I am being very cold about this?[/quote">
I don't think you are being cold.....just brutally honest. I appreciate the insight you are giving me. It is a difficult situation and if you are doing things the "right way" I have respect for you. By right way, I mean being honest and open to your wife, and being there to help them through this difficult time. I don't have any answers for you to help you through this situation, but then again, I don't have any answers for myself. Good luck to you.
lc
Re:Split after 11 years MR F: Thanks for all your help and advice. I knew I wouldn't get an easy ride in here and I am thankful for all your advice and comments.
I must say however in response to 'amess' when you talk about taking responsibility. I have taken my responsibilities very seriously, I have cared for both my wife and my children to the best of my ability and tried to bring my kids up the best way way I could (and I don't think we have done a bad job at all.
With regard to [Secondly, no one "falls" pregnant. Everytime you have sex you have to prepare for that event possibly happening. At least, responsible ppl do.">
I find that a silly thing to say and to be honest a little annoying. We thought we were being responsible by taking precautions, unfortunately those precautions weren't successful. Lets say two people got married but didn't want children, would they have to abstain from sex all their lives in case a child was conceived? Of course not, they would take the precautions we did, or they would lead less exciting lives otherwise!
I wrote earlier that I wasn't sure what I wanted now I had left my wife. Well I'm still not sure but I know that over the years (remember we were 16 when we met) we have moved in different directions. I would like to start our own business up, my wife doesn't. I like to talk about world affairs etc, my wife doesn't. My wife openly admits that she didn't receive the best education and often says that she is 'stupid', to which I have always told her that she wasn't and why wouldn't she consider going back to night school or something similar. She won't do this, she won't try and better herself and it has got to the point when I have stopped trying to encourage her. I am not for one minute trying to say I am a better person than she is at all, she possesses many fine qualities I could never hope to have, we are just not on the same wavelength. I need someone to share my aspirations with, to be inspired by and my wife just doesn't do that. She is happy to stay at home most of the time when I want to be out and about doing and seeing different things.
We are not the same people we were 18/19 years ago.
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