is it ok to be in denial lee: Hi all, im still new to this site. And i find it to be an incredible group of people. What I need to know, is denial ok? All the signs point to my H cheating. But so much else is screwed up in our relationship that im blocking that out. I figure if I really admit to myself tp look at the facts i'll go crazy. I dont want to hack is email. I dont want to follow him to see where he is going & with who. I dont want to open his credit card mail, Is it ok not to know.
I hear that lawyers advise cheaters not to admit to cheating. Is that true? BC he always denies it. But I have no "real" evidence. Just that he stopped being intimate with me, he wouldnt touch me in public (ie holding hands)& he moved out. I could go on about why I suspect him, but it seems so counter productive. Do I really need to know to have closure?
Re:is it ok to be in denial DOK: That's a tough one...
My wife was cheating on me for at least three years before she finally told me she wanted a divorce, and that she was in love with the man that I now call "Grandpa" (lol). :P
There was an overwhelming amount of evidence during that interim that clearly pointed to what was going on with my wife and her paramour. I was clearly in denial during that three year period.
Do I wish I would have known for certain? Who knows. All I know is that when I did finally find out the entire truth, a lot of paradoxes and mysteries fell into place. Although my opinion is this: Almost always, in a marriage, both parties are to blame for marital discord. I always assumed it was 90% my fault that the marriage was crappy, but after finding out about her relationship, I was able to downgrade my guilt assumption to around 50% (or less). So in that sense, it did help me emotionally and mentally to work through things. I would suggest, that if it's eating you up inside, that you take some minor steps to find out the truth. Usually cheaters aren't the most careful and meticulous about covering their tracks - most the time I think they subconsciously want to get caught. The whole "danger" thing. But each person has to decide what they think is best for them, at the given point in time that they are in.
Sorry you are facing this B.S. Life can be so unfair and cruel.
On a side note: My youngest daughter was two years old when we divorced. My then-wife's relationship with "Grandpa" was in full swing when my wife conceived our daughter. My daughter looks like me, laughs like me, talks like me, and by all appearances, seems to be mine biologically. We are very close. But there is that nagging, lingering doubt in my mind - am I the bio-dad?
So do I get a DNA kit (cotton swab test of saliva), and find out for certain, and risk being devastated? Or do I continue with things as they are, and not push the issue? And I'm not alone in this one - I've noticed from the Internet that lots of dads are facing this very issue these days - a conundrum to be sure...
Re:is it ok to be in denial Kinney26: Denial is the first stage of grieving, so it is perfectly normal. I know when my stbx left, i thought there was no way that this was it. She will think about it and come home. Well, she didn't.
As far as closure goes, if you are going to dwell on it and wonder than you may need to know for sure to get closure. If you can put it behind you and not let it bother you than maybe not. You are the only one who will know for sure.
Kin
Re:is it ok to be in denial lookin4alite: lee,
I think it is okay to be in denial for a time. It conceals your heart from the extreme pain of it all. My STBX enjoys her new freedom and it brutalizes me. From time to time I wanna be her friend and then she shares with me about a guy she talks too or reveals something else and I lose it in my mind. If your mind believes he is cheating, he probably is. If you have been with him for 15 years, you know his ways. There is no secrets that he can really conceal. Its just that your heart can't believe it yet. In time you will have closure, I have closure, but for me I had to run her down and continue to ask her the questions until finally she said "I don't want to be married again". At that point it was clear that I can close out the opportunity in my mind. There is no denial left, she has other male friends she is not interested in me at all.
I hope it helps you understand abit. Yes denial is okay, but it is a phase you must go through, just like acceptance is a phase you will develop and then healin will begin. But you must accept the gut instinct and not waste your time in searching out what your brain knows has happened. I am very sorry, but hun it is probably true. But you don't need the gory details just to find closure. You need faith in a higher love and support, a professional counsellor certainly wouldn't hurt. We have all been there.
lite
Re:is it ok to be in denial Shanna: I know all the details of my STBXH affair...I dunno if that is a good thing or not. I have a vivid imagination. It killed me thinking of the two of them together...made me physically ill. SO if you think you can move on without knowing then dont' find out. IT really hurts to know the details. Like my stbx was getting out of bed with his son and I to go get into her. barf.
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