Re:Should I Fight for Him? Alison: Well, I am not sure what happened. We have been together since I was 14 and he was 18. It has been 13 years. We have been married for about 7 1/2 years. I know that we were fighting off and on. He was mad because I was have trouble in the intimacy department but that has been fixed. (I just found out I have endometriosis and they are helping me with it.) He would get really mean when I would not, lets say give it up. He would even be mean to the kids. It got to the point that I was yelling things at him like I hate you and I want out of this relationship. I told him I thought we needed counseling.
Since the split he has told me that he felt trapped. He says he wanted to do things with his friends but I wouldn't let him. (this may be somewhat true but he never said that's what he wanted.) He also thinks my parent are too involved. Again I did not know he felt that way, but have asked them to back off. He says are fights are repetative. He is right. I just feel like these are really bad reasons to end a marriage. We had some really good times. I know I made mistakes. I take the blame for that. I have said sorry, I have made changes. I want to do whatever it takes to fix this. There was no other man or women to my knowledge. There are no drugs or gambling involved to my knowledge. We had something great. Everyone that we have told has been in total shock that this is happening and I mean everyone. His family is angry with him and trying their best to help. I just hope it will help him come back to me, and before it's too late.
Alison
Re:Should I Fight for Him? MadorSad: A
Will he go to counseling with you ??? Could be a good way for you guys to just talk with out fighting. If he goes that will also show you that he is willing to try atleast right
MoS
Re:Should I Fight for Him? Alison: We tried counseling once but the counselor did not like him and the feeling was mutual. I asked him to go to the new counselor with me tomorrow but he did not answer. I am taking that as a no I don't want to go. I have seen the new counselor once and told him the story as I saw it. He told me that I needed to get him in there because it was not over. I just don't know how. I can't trap him into it because he will just resent me. If you have any ideas let me know.
Thanks
Alison
Re:Should I Fight for Him? marfanoidus: [quote"> I just hope it will help him come back to me, and before it's too late. [/quote">
I'd give that a LOT of thought before you do anything. One of my favorite sayings is "When in doubt, don't".
Part of what the two of you are experiencing is very common in people who got together so young.
People can grow apart for all sorts of reasons, often reasons the partner is oblivious to. I can almost guarantee you that the two of you would benefit from a counselor. You would be amazed at how quickly a skilled professional can cut through the crap, focus on the fundamental underlying issues, and illustrate them to both parties in ways both parties can understand.
My advice is that unless you are certain there is no hope for your marriage then you would be premature in killing it. Yes, you 'could always get back together', but that rarely happens. Usually one or both will consider it a burned bridge and have too many issues to be able to come back.
I would suggest talking him into 5 trips to a counselor together, and let the counselor decide if any 1-on-1 is in order. Its not to lay blame on either one of you, but to help the two of you get a hold on what the problem is - only then can proper solution be applied.
I do wish you the best of luck, but don't kill it - insist that he kill it if it must die at all.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:Should I Fight for Him? DOK: My advice:
If you get back together, things will remain as they have for your entire relationship. The therapist that I saw shortly after my divorce told me that we all learn to dance a certain dance with our partner. And that that dance becomes so entrenched in our interaction with the other person, that it's really hard to change the steps and moves associated with that dance.
He said the only way to change your "relationship dance", is to get a third party involved. That's really the only hope - because no matter what promises you make to each other, if you just get back together without any third-party intervention, eventually, you'll be back to your same old two-step.
IMHO.
So if you really want to get back together, and it sounds like you both desperately do, and that you both love each other, find a really good couple-counselor, and make getting back together contingent on seeing the counselor at least twice a week, to begin with, then later maybe just once a week, etc.
Otherwise, if you get together without outside help (a metaphorical dance instructor), you'll both be doomed to split up again. And these splits will become dress rehersals for the eventual demise of your marriage.
And as most of us know, divorce sucks, especially for the collaterals in our lives (the kids).
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