Always a cheater? jeff: Here is the story of the current situation I am involved in... Maybe this should be posted to the vent board, but I digress.
I am 27 years old, my wife and I have been together since I was 17, and she was 15 at the time we met. We have had the most amazing relationship for years now, I have always been faithful and have done everything in my power to help and support her through life. She, up until recently, has done the same. We were engaged in August in 2001, and married July 10th 2004. I have just found out that she has been having physical relationship with another man, and it has been going on for almost a year. She was cheating on me before and after the wedding. She had confided to the wife, who was her best friend, of a couple who were our mutual friends. Her friend has been trying to get her to do the right thing some time, and alas she did not. Her friend's husband had been getting hints of what was going on, and I guess his wife was dropping hints to him about it for a while now. Once he got it, he immediately came to me with the scoop. My wife got wind that everything was falling apart and that she was about to be caught so she wanted to be the first to tell me. She fed me lie after lie to try to dig herself out of this deceit trying to make me believe that this issue was much less than it really was. I gave her plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth and she refused to even do that for me. She even knew that I was going to talk to her ex-friend and get the truth and she still decided to lie to me. I am utterly destroyed by this situation. I kicked her out the house and now she is living with her parents. Her parents and sister, my family, and my friends are completely wrecked as well. Her parents cannot, but do, believe that not only would someone sink so low, but that it is their daughter that has done this. All of this happened this past weekend, the weekend of November 12th. I received a written lengthy apology from her amongst other things and I know that she needs mental help. She has no history of mental illness, but the things that she says and just the way that she has been acting suggest serious self-esteem and selfishness issues as well as a feeling that she will do anything to get attention from other men. I have never felt lower and so completely helpless. She has completely torn apart our lives and the lives of both of our families. They will probably never fully recover from this. I am just not sure what to do, she wants to go to counseling and try to work through this. I am not sure that I will ever be able to trust her again. Aside from this past year, and some smaller mishaps along the way, we have both been very happy together. We have been lovers and best friends all along. I am not sure whether I should take her back or not. I obviously still love her, and she says that she still loves me. I am worried that if I did take her back that she would cheat again.
Is it possible for someone to cheat once and not do it again?
Is it possible to recover from a situation like this and ever truly be happy with this person again?
I am just not sure what to do right now. I do know that I am definitely going to be jumping back with her at this time. I need a little while to clear my head and think.
I apologize for the scattered thoughts throughout this post.
Re:Always a cheater? marfanoidus: Jeff, sorry you're going through it.
Some of your wife's actions remind me of some manic-depressives I've known. If you decide to work it out with her, I would suggest you demand she go to counseling and that it be done so on your terms so you can verify the counselor is getting the truth.
[quote"> Is it possible for someone to cheat once and not do it again? [/quote">
Yes, but they have to regret it deep down - not that they got caught, but because it was the wrong thing to do.
[quote"> Is it possible to recover from a situation like this and ever truly be happy with this person again?
[/quote"> Yes, and I speak from experience, but this one is totally up to you - it demands that you allow the past to be nothing more than the past. If you allow it a place in the present, then you probably will fail at being happy with her again.
There are a lot of people here who are here for you (although much of our group is partying it up tonight in KC, so it might be a little quiet in here).
Right now, try to stay calm. Focus on realizing the worst case scenario is not all that bad - if this is the end of your marriage, your life will go on, you will grow, happiness can still find a place in your future, and shattered dreams just make us find new ones.
"Should I leave, or should I try to work it out?" I've been there, friend - I know what you're going through. It is the choice before you now.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:Always a cheater? jeff: Thank you Walt.
I know that she knows what she did was wrong.
I am also in the process of working with her parents to get her some help. She was seeing a therapist before the wedding, and up until recently. I feel that the therapist she was seeing was not really helping her, and maybe did not understand the underlying cause for this type of behavior. I was thinking that moving her to a psychiatrist might be a better fit. However I do not want her to be arbitrarily drugged up without the issue going unresolved. She is feeling very low right now, with good reason, but I do not wish the worst for her. For now, she is quitting her job in the city to remove herself from the type of environment that may allow for this type of behavior to continue. I do think this is a good idea, but it is her parents that are enforcing this.
I am doing my best to hang in there. I am having a tough time believing anything that comes out of her mouth. She has never been a liar before this, but with the amount of deception that took place it makes it difficult.
I really appreciate your response. Hope everyone is having a good time in KC.
Re:Always a cheater? SherylLynn: Jeff,
I am in the situation you find yourself. I took my husband back after finding out he cheated for 3 years. We are dealing with it.
It is hard. It is such hard work, but I find solace knowing it is the right thing for my family.
We have bumps in the road. We had one just recently, but we are working through it.
Like Walt said, if you accept the apology and take her back, it has to stay in the past and I find that to be the hardest thing to do.
Stay strong, but there is hope.
SL34
Re:Always a cheater? lifechange: Hey Jeff, Welcome to Ojar. I am very sorry you are going through this pain. You have come to a great site!
I definitely agree with marf and SL34. You can only return to the marriage if you are willing to start over. Forgiveness is a very hard thing, especially when it involves trust. I know you said you are getting your wife help (psychiatrist), but are you getting any counseling? It might help you.
Best wishes!
lc
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