home achingallover: o.k., guys, send me some love. I'm a mess. I was just IMing with my stbx trying to figure out what went wrong. Anyway, we got to the point where I asked him if I could have a hug. Here's the kicker, he gave me one and it was as if I was hugging a cardboard cut out. You know that space that you create with you mate that is home. It's a synergy. It's safe and secure and calm. Like, probably the calmest place in the world. Sitting on the sofa watching comedy central with you legs over each other. Or lying in bed next to each other with your feet draped over each other. It's a spot where you can know that you can do all the stupid stuff in the world and you'll still be loved. Well, I realized when I hugged this man tonight that that spot no longer exists. Like, it's gone. I didn't even see it go! And now, I am left with this wondering of where and when I am going to be able to have that sense of peace again. Most currently, where do I go for an immediate fix! I am addicated to this. I know the work ahead of me is to create this spot for myslef, but right now I am so weak that I'm not sure what to do with myself. And, am I going to be able to trust someone enough to be able to have that again.
Little deaths. Everyday a little death. Could this be any tougher?! I think this occassion definatley calls for some Prozac!
Re: home itwillgetbetter: :) ;) ;D 8) ::)
Sending you lots of love and hugs via email.
We all need that physical contact just like we need air and water. Ask friends and family for hugs. Hug your pets; your kids---believe me it helps.
Also, if you are in need of physical contact---get a massage it can work wonders. I am sending an email to you too.
Hang in there
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
oooooooooooooooo00
itwillgetbetter
Re: home justmenow: Sincere, warm hugs coming from here...believe me I know exactly what you mean. I got more of a spark hugging my dog than from the last time my stbX hugged me. His hug was like hugging my car or a light pole or something inanimate. It was statuesque. As a matter of fact, I was mad afterwards like, you know, I'm NOT a toxic substance... ???
The man you are hugging just isn't the man you remember. I know the longing you feel and just try to believe (then teach ME how) that there is so much better out there waiting for you. Must be that kinda' week because it has just sucked so far. :(
Re: home achingallover: Ya, thanks, girls. It's been a he!! of a night and a he!! of a day. Really bad. I guess I was totally not prepaired for the lack of "us" in the hug. It sent me. Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out where I go to get that feeling of safety that I always had with him. My head knows that that is the work ahead of me - building it in myself - but I feel so weak now that I am so looking to an outside source. Luckily, my fatty kat was in bed with me all day today. That was nice. That felt good.
I"m sending you guys lots of hugs too!!!
Steph
Re: home inebr: I send you a big hug.
I don’t want to be a downer on this one, but what do you think as far as finding “that” again with someone? I see couples who appear to have that complete comfort and safety with one another and I think, man, that looks so nice, I bet that feels really good, I would love to experience that. But then I think about it, knowing what I know now, will it always be like that for them? I don’t know, really, but I would guess that for most couples this dynamic doesn’t last too long. I don’t know, this leads me to what DOES make it last?
I think that I will always have to keep a part of me that is just me. A part of myself that is mine, is taken care of and protected and truly understood only by me. Maybe I’m hardened and untrusting, or maybe wise and intelligent. I don’t know. I struggle with this.
My way of looking at it sure seems like a cold and sad relationship in some ways. It’s not what I envisioned and not what I have been sold on as being “a good relationship”. I guess I see it now as two individuals. But I know that there has to be a high level of importance placed on the relationship by both people in order for it to be nurtured and work.
Didn’t mean to ramble too much, there….
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