I could just kick myself... wdotzler: Let's see, you've hit me, you've stolen from me, youve called me every name in the book, cheated on me twice, accused me of everything under the moon, you had extreme jealousy, your moods could change in a split second, you wouldn't stand up for me in the hospital when your family said i didn't belong there, i dealt with so much from you, you would sit on the phone for three hours with your sister and then look at me and say "what's your f@cking problem"? I stayed through this, I stood by your side, I defended and made excuses for you to my family, they knew what a piece of crap you were, I wouldn't see it. Yet through all of this you are the one that left???? Because wait lemme see what you told your lawyer, I was soooo mean to you??? Funny you should tell him that, you weren't the one with bruises and I wasn't the one in jail for it? You weren't the one being told "if you didn't want your dad to do what he did then you would have stopped him, you must have liked it"? I WAS SEVEN you a-hole. So now I am left with this overwhelming feeling of complete stupidity. What else could I possibly be? I hate you, I hate that I let you come back to me last year with all your promises. "I'm so sorry, I've never felt so bad in my life, I am so happy with you, I love you more than anything, let's go to counseling, please forgive me, it will never ever happen again, I PROMISE!!! So yes I am pretty stupid for letting it happen to me again. Yes I am stupid for believing you, and allowing you to treat me the way you did. The tears I have shed for you, you don't deserve them. Yep I know this is my problem now, that I have to deal with the fact that I let this happen, that i wasn't strong enough to get out of it. Wait i did try to get out of it, remember that night???? Remember me telling you if you didn't want to be here then go, what did you say???? You couldn't get me out of here, I never want to leave you again. WRONG, you didn't want me being the one to tell you to leave. After an hour of you screaming at me telling me what a b!tch I was, then I finally break and start getting mad, really mad, yeah you saw what a b!tch I could be that night, what did you do? You called the cops and tried to have me put in a loony hospital? From that night on I didn't give you as much control, thats when the problems kicked into overload. Yet I still stayed. So poor you, you run to mommy and tell her how mean I was, how I mistreated you so badly, they know nothing of how it really was, they will soon, but then again you will just tell them i am lying. You are their little angel that could never do anything wrong. They think you quit your job when you actually got fired for sexual harrasment, but you will just justify that too. Everything you do you have justification for it. I hate you more than anything, you are the biggest piece of sh!t I have ever known. You are gone, my house is happy, we can have the lights on, we can watch tv together, we can do anything we want. The control is gone. Now I'm left with the guilt of feeling stupid for letting it happen for so long, and the guilt of you being the one to leave it. I think I figured out why you are fighting me in court, because this time I didn't leave the door open for you to come back when you wanted to, I didn't give you the satisfaction of leaving me broken and wanting you back. This time I stood up and fought back. I will never let myself in this type of situation again. I will get help for my problems and I will become a stronger person. I hope you end up in a gutter somewhere, alone, hated, dirty, and insane.
Re:I could just kick myself... hardened_heart1970: nice vent. i even feel better.
Re:I could just kick myself... down south xhubbie: wow!! I am really sorry. It looks like you've had to endure a tremendous amount of grief in your life. Nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves to be treated like that or talked to like that. There is no justification for it.
My wife and I insulted each other from time to time, but we typically had a line that neither of us crossed UNTIL she told me that she wished that I would "just die" and she had such a look of hate on her face. My question is this, how can someone who supposedly 'loved' you talk to you this way?
As much as I hate to sound like Dr. Phil or something, that healing has to come from within you. Irregardless of how you've BEEN (past tense) treated, you have to find value in yourself. Find those things you are good at it. God don't make mistakes and he don't make no junk!! The way I feel about it is this, if you you are still breathing in and breathing out, you have a purpose for being here on earth.
On a lighter note, maybe our Christmas cards will brighten your day. I've just mailed yours about 10 minutes ago. ;D
Remember, we can't always control what happens to us, but we can put ourselves in a position to limit the damage (ie. avoid him as much as possible). Also, you and I can control our reactions toward our x's and stbx's. Sometimes we do great and sometimes we fail (see my post on the vent-board) ::)
Re:I could just kick myself... legionuvdoom: Cool vent!
Wish i could tell my ex something like that. She won't talk to me, and if i did tell her something like that, she'd probably have her new "man" bust a cap in me. But i'm feeling u.
Re:I could just kick myself... wdotzler: Thank you for the replies:
DSX: Avoiding him is definitly not a problem, I haven't heard one word from him since the day he sneaked out. Hopefully it will stay that way. I really am working on finding true self again. There were so many things wrong with that relationship, so much that I let myself put up with. No one is to blame for that but me. I've really learned a lot in this short time about the whole thing that I was just to blind to notice before. I start counseling tommorrow, and that feels really good. I have been before but I quit going, he was extremely paranoid about the whole thing, I guess he didn't want me to see the situation for what it really was, and he would accuse me of wanting to sleep with the counselor. Now he is gone and I can really work things out without worrying it will stir up trouble. I appreciate what you said about the me having a purpose for being on this earth. I know you didn't say "me" but sometimes I just really need to believe that I do have a purpose, hearing someone else say it helps.
I've got a lot of issues and I definitly don't claim innocent in this whole situation, I fully accept the things I did. I am working on not putting all the blame on myself and realizing that he is just one really messed up person with a lot of issues that he won't deal with. It's not all my fault like I have been convincing myself. (Well at least today it's not) I know me, and I fluctuate in my feelings a lot. I think that falls into the "lost myself" category. Not sure. Anyways, Thanks. :D
