Re:Warning Signs? amess: Don't beat yourself up for being "stupid" Hindsight is 20/20, we all know that. Plus, there were good parts, at least in my marriage, many wonderful parts that clouded what I could have seen. I began to see the last year. If I had seen in the beginning, or soon after my marriage, then I WOULD beat myself up for being stupid; I certainly wouldn't stay for, oh, 6 or 7 years of abuse. I would have been the one divorcing him.
Re:Warning Signs? browngreen: Yeah, what's this called? There's a name for this phenomena I think it's : succubis (spelling?)
Typcially, it's the wife that chnges, or the perception of her changes, or the man starts seeing he was bamboozled by her charms, beauty, wit, or sex, etc and wasn't thinking clearly.
Anyway, I DID see the signs. Even before I married.
I even pointed them out to him, and to my dad. I said to my dad the weekend we got married "sometimes I think he only wants to marry me so he'll have to someone to torture" and then I added "but how rational is that? Is this just cold feet, or is it real?"
My dear Dad, who is very wise, replied "there's only one way to find out."
I married him anyway, expecting rocky times, but knowing too that he's a good man who wants to be a better man. I didn't know exactly what I as getting into, but I knew it would result in either one of two things : a short marraige and a quick divorce, or a learning curve we'd both suffer through, and a stable marriage afterwards.
Right now, we're at that crux. We are deciding what to do: go forward as changed people or call it quits.
I know I want to go forward. But he never had the emotional mapping for this I had-- I mean, I could not have predicted many things that have happened and been said between us in this process. Or how mixed up my own feelings would become. How my own faith has been rumpled.
I think for him this just is all one huge, ugly surprise.
So, anyway, I guess what I"m trying to say is I saw the signs and got married 2 years ago anyway and I'm excatly where I thought I'd be at this point: at a point to make a decision.
I"m sorry yours shocked you. I was never shocked to see the bad behaviors, but I was shocked at HOW bad they became-- on my part more than his.
Now, I wonder who the succubis is?
Anyway, sorry about the red flags- hind site is 20/20 and most men AREN'T all bad-- it's not like you fell for a complete jerk-- if there's good in you, you saw it in him.
But yeah, live and learn.
I will never marry a man again that I think could ever possibly take me down a tumultuous path again. I was very stupid to think I could handle it because I couldn't, and it all backfired.
I loved him, and wanted to help him.
Pretty sappy co-dependent, huh?
BG
Re:Warning Signs? OldSchool: Lettingo,
No you're not the only one going thru this type of thinking. There were a number of signs that I'm still finding out and it's been 2+ years since our divorce. It's taken me a while to be able to heal and move on from this situation. I still think about my ex in a very caring way... there will never be anyone that can replace everything that's happened between us.
The warning signs of not communicating with one another, feelings of being alone in the marraige, and her actions towards me in front of friends and family were the biggest ones. She seemed to always be on edge with me... more than usual, and when she didn't get her way she was sucha condesending little girl.
I'm the bigger person... always have been in my 7 years with my ex. I gave... and gave... and even when we separated I gave... helped her move... had our taxes done together so she wouldn't have to owe... tried to get her counselling... remained friendly to her til the final minutes of our marraige... had her served at home and not embarass her at work. I got off on a tangent but I guess my own warning sign was that I overcompensated myself to appease her. I hope a learned from that one...
OS
Re:Warning Signs? LSFool: Dear LettingGo,
Please feel free to check out my most recent 3 vents on the vent o board, also, some time ago I posted a link called, "Pathological Liar for an EX, Seriously".
Hope this helps.
You are definetely not alone.
I have forgiven myself for being duped.
You will too.
Re:Warning Signs? favoriteangel2003: Like the old say goes....Love is blind. :-\
Angel
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