Re:how do you heal from infidelity? Spectrum: I've been through what you're going through, with one minor exception: the minute I found out he was cheating I decided he had to go, and that was that.
You're in a situation where the man you love and trust(ed) is taking advantage of you in the worst way possible. He is lying to you, he is cheating on you, he is not giving you the respect that a man should be giving to the woman who carried his child.
You need to take control of your life, girl. I know it is a scary, scary thing.... But trust me, the only thing scarier is leaving your fate in the hands of a man who clearly has very little regard for your feelings, wants, or needs.
He wants to have an OW? He wants to live on the boat? Fine. Then he can stay there. Don't talk to him, don't let him be a part of your life, and don't let him see his son until he proves he is capable of being respectful and setting a good example for your child. If you're worried about what he'll teach your son, then don't make your son available to be taught by him until he is showing that he can be a proper father. And just as important, don't make yourself available to be his emotional punching bag anymore.
Good for you for developing a plan for your life and that of your son. It is a wonderful start to help you take control of your life..... Now that you have the larger plan covered, you need to take care of the small things. Shake things up in your husband's world and let him know that you aren't going to stand for this. If he wants to have you or his son in his life, he needs to grow up and act like a respectful adult.
I think that if you start to build your life towards the happiness you want/deserve/expect, you'll find that things fall into place on their own.
Spectrum.
Re:how do you heal from infidelity? Runehawk: [quote author=Spectrum link=board=6;threadid=6044;start=0#msg48684 date=1103050627"> ...and don't let him see his son until he proves he is capable of being respectful and setting a good example for your child. If you're worried about what he'll teach your son, then don't make your son available to be taught by him until he is showing that he can be a proper father. [/quote">
Ooooh, that's really great advice, if you're looking to start a full-on, all-out custody battle with no hope of finding any common ground whatsoever.
Leave, if you decided to; divorce, if you must. But remember, fully half of your childs' DNA came from the stbx, and that alone should command as much respect from you, as you would (and WILL) expect from him.
Playing games like this will only trash whatever respect still lies between the two of you, and ultimately, only harms your kids.
Be GOOD to your kids and put them first. - r
Re:how do you heal from infidelity? Spectrum: Perhaps I phrased that badly...... Obviously you can't prevent him from seeing him, etc, but you can certainly take more control over what type of influence he is allowed to provide for your son.
My point here was that you can't just sit there and say nasty things about your husband to your kid to explain his father's behavior. And you also can't sit there and be a nice punching bag in front of the kid either. So you're either going to have to not let the kid spend as much time with his father when you're around or you're going to have make sure that any time he spends with his dad is not in your presence. Your kid doesn't need to learn that treating women like sh*t is everyday wonderful behavior.
On the other hand, if this is going to be the long-term reality of his father's behavior, then he's going to have to have it explained to him at some point in a very unbiased, tactful way (well, as unbiased as you can be under the circumstances, which isn't very).
Spectrum.
Re:how do you heal from infidelity? down south xhubbie: I don't care if it is emotional or sexual it is steal cheating when you are married.
thank you Betty Boop. Will you please mail this on a postcard to my stbx spouse? I'll give you her address.
In the beginning of our marriage
My wife knew that I had a good female friend at work who was completely plutonic. We had no contact with each other outside of work. I told my wife that I had confessed a personal detail about our life. She got onto me about it. I apologized to my wife and pledged not to do anything like that again. At the end of our marriage, my stbx had what was, at best, an improper relationship with a male coworker. She would give him the last call of the day from her cell phone on the way home from work. Our shifts were staggered and I was still at work. So while I was at work, she was on the phone with her coworker. When we worked opposite shifts (she days and me nights), there is no telling how many conversations that she had with him from our home phone :-[ Once I got our last cell phone bill, the cat was out of the bag. She still swore that they were only friends. It wasn't until here recently (now that she has another boyfriend) that she confessed that there "could've been more".
HF1, you can't let this go on much longer under your roof. The emotional, begging, pleading, etc will not work. Most of us know that from experience. Neither will the yelling, trying to make him feel guilty, etc many of us know that won't work either. In one of the ebooks I read, this guy advises you to cheerfully ask him whether he wants to leave or not. When and if he says yes, offer to help pack his bags for him. Tell him you don't want to prevent him from being happy. He might be shocked that you are letting him go so easily. :o
Re:how do you heal from infidelity? Spectrum: [quote author=down south xhubbie link=board=6;threadid=6044;start=0#msg48924 date=1103109261">
She still swore that they were only friends. It wasn't until here recently (now that she has another boyfriend) that she confessed that there "could've been more".
[/quote">
ACK, I could shoot people who come up with phrases like that.
My ex was so fond of them.... "Hmm, I *may* have fooled around with so-and-so....." "It's *possible* that I kissed the manager at the lodge." "I *could* just be the world's biggest pathological liar with his head up his a$$...."
Okay, maybe he didn't say that last one, but sheesh, it might as well have been written on his forehead! Of course, if it was you couldn't read it, due to said forehead's location..... Grr....
Spectrum.
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