JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: Dear Anyone with Constructive Advice,
The below may seem long and winded, but, I really need someone to help me reach some clarity on what I should be doing. I describe a lot about my relationship as well as my family and personal experiences to paint a decent picture of what I am dealing with. If you think I’ve left anything out for you to give your constructive thoughts, please let me know. Yes, I am writing because I don’t know if I should continue trying, get help, or just give up?
I was recently married in October 2005. But, I continue to have this internal fight with myself. They say getting married is suppose to make you stronger. I actually feel I’ve become weaker. I have been feeling there is a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel there is a heavy weight that sits on top of my brain. I am working hard keeping my routines of going to work, working out, being a humorous, caring, and active contributor in my circle of friends, as I am strong willed enough to compartmentalize this problem with the other areas of my life. But, it gets harder every day. I can plan my work future or plans, but I have difficulty accepting and planning my own personal life plans. The bottom line is, my happiness is losing out to my unhappiness and I know it’s attributed to having a partner. And I am truly trying to figure out why. I know relationships take work. I know everyday wont be a day being on cloud 9. I just can’t seem to differentiate the normal and the abnormal. Maybe I am in denial in some way or maybe how I see general society is making me feel like I am not getting what I am suppose to or not giving what I am suppose to?
I read postings by women who say their husbands are distant or sort of going through the things that I am. A majority conclusion from respondents to these postings is the husband are suffering from depression. I am not sure that I am? If I am, I am one of the productive ones. I keep fighting to make each day count. But, it just is really hard. I continuously have to dig deep within myself to make sure my days aren’t wasted. I don’t want to take anti-depressant drugs. I know I do feel short-term happiness after a good workout, probably a result of the serotonins rushing through my brain. But, I don’t want to unnaturally induce this. Before you respond, I want to give you some background on my relationship with my wife before marriage. Lets call her Asha. I want to give you details on my family, common occurrences, and personalities and more. I want to give examples of Love that I have shared in the past and still do in different ways. I also want to give you some more information on how I think, even though my writing this whole piece gives that indication in itself.
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Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: BACKGROUND OF OUR RELATIONSHIP
My wife was a successful business women who climbed to the top ranks before I met her. However, during the last 3 years, she has not been working, which is the time we met. In terms of understanding and being rational, my wife is top-class. But, these days she continuously accuses me of not loving her. I mean I love her. But, am I in love with her? It’s hard to say in all honesty. I was in love with her. I was at a point where I couldn’t wait to talk to her and share my experiences and thoughts about life and more. We drove cross country because I’ve always wanted to do it. Plus, I wanted to introduce her to my friends along the route from New York to San Diego. That aspect is not as strong as it once was. And the crazy thing about it is we just got married, a huge affair.
During the early stages of our relationship, before marriage, I used to say I was lucky to be in this woman’s presence…that I am surprised she’s with me. She’s smart and knows little about a lot, like me. I can talk to her about my ups and downs at work, in detail and she understands it by showing compassion. At the beginning, I would look at her and say, she’s got the most prettiest eyes. And I actually visualized all our friends being at our wedding during the early stages of our relationship. However, she is a bit more plump and thicker than I normally like in terms of physical looks of a women. I’ve made her feel bad on occasion for eating more than me. Plus, to be frank, she doesn’t come out good in pictures as much as I would like. I am constantly in search of that good picture of her, to only be disappointed most of the time. With the many pictures I have of her, there are only a few that I like. But, her smarts, and rational mind-set brought me closer to her. In fact, I developed a lot of trust in her, which is difficult for me to normally do with people. These are the basic ingredients that brought me together with her. That brought me to be in love with her. Being the analytical person that I am, I analyze and rationalize everything I do. And in this case, as I said, I may not be as physically attracted as women I’ve dated in the past. But, she as a person out weighs that. She is someone I could trust and grow and share things. This has to be the one. There is no perfection.
However, when we first met, I was in the midst of breaking up with a previous girlfriend. My wife was very supportive, in a truly objective manner I must say. We did go through our ups and downs because I didn’t have a “rebound” relationship. She was it right after that relationship. So, I was comparing the two in the earlier stages. My physical relationship with my x-girlfriend was amazing. I didn’t have that level of passion and probably still don’t with my current wife. I think being slightly less physically attracted has kept me from truly reaching that pinnacle of passion. Although, she is very carefree in her sexuality. She is extremely giving in everyway. But, I don’t get turned-on and excited like I did with my x-girlfriend. I don’t yearn for as much as I would like. And this is true when I don’t see her for a few weeks. I feel I am always hoping that something sparks, that she looks extremely wonderful in something, but I seem to get let down. Am I such the complicated person that my expectations are far too high? Is there something wrong with me? I have undersold myself? Have I settled in someway? I’ve been told trust is the ultimate ingredient of a relationship. I trust her more than anything.
But, my x was primarily sex. My wife was more. I felt at the time, slightly less physically attracted to her, but, it was made up plentiful by all the other ingredients. I need somebody who is like minded in terms of intelligence and understanding my need of dissecting, analyzing, and appreciating the world. She supports my need effortlessly. There were times in the early stages where I felt so strong being with her. That us together was better than each of us alone. That we radiated a powerful force when we both walked down the street together.
These days I no longer feel she uplifts me? She’s financially in trouble. She doesn’t spend time talking with her friends as much as I do. In other words I don’t feel she has an outlet. I feel like I don’t look forward to talking to her. I feel I call and say nice things because I have to for the sake of our relationship? Does everyone go through this?
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Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: PAST LOVE
The only true love I have experienced in the past was my college sweetheart. I pursued her. Lets call her Dana. I have this penchant to laugh all the time. And she fulfilled that back then. This women always fed my need to be witty and find something to laugh about. In fact, she does to this day when I see her. Plus, there was something about her looks that attracted me to her. She has a great smile. So, she made me fall in love with her. I definitely courted her for some time, bringing her things, taking her on trips, much before we were intimate. I didn’t really court my wife like I did Dana. I sometimes think, if I had, and wasn’t going through a breakup, things would be much cleaner and smoother. But, I guess they never are when you get older. We broke up because she was away, down south at school for higher education. And I was back in New York building my life. At the same time, I felt I needed independence. But, I will say, other than nurturing my friendships, building up my ability to joke, and learning to drink in bars, I don’t think I accomplished much. We drifted a part because I didn’t know what I wanted and I think she was subconsciously protecting herself from being hurt. So, although we would hang-out, she kept the affection to a minimum, which was understandable. At the same time, at one point, I knew she had met someone else and it was bound to happen. This person she met, was who she married. Now, the strange thing between Dana and me is we’re still best of friends. We went to each others wedding. Our spouses know each other. In fact, we have hung out together on many occasions. I will say, my wife accepting all of this is what makes her a unique individual and special. In no way do I make her feel uncomfortable when Dana is around. I certainly wouldn’t because I don’t want to make Dana’s husband uncomfortable as well when I am around Dana. That wouldn’t be right. I love Dana too much. I do love her a lot. I would feel so empty if she ever left this earth. But, the weird thing is, she’s not my wife? I’ve had others say, Dana was my soul-mate. Who knows what a soul mate is. I needed someone to nurture the depth that I have. Dana didn’t do that as much. Dana and I enjoy life together, even when we hang out now every now and then. We laugh so much. I don’t have that joking relationship with Alica. But, I can’t expect to. She is a different person and gives other things. I’ve learned that you cant have everything you want in one woman. Or can you? Why have I become so confused and I am married. At the same time, she still spends time platonically with her x-boyfriend and I will be honest, it doesn’t bother me at all.
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Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: MY FAMILY
My dad works a heck of a lot. He works in the family business as well as at a University. He is very disciplined. He exercises 6 days a week. He is my inspiration in terms of being a good person and working hard. I love him a lot even though we’re very different. My mom sings all the time. She is a great cook. She is very affectionate. She was always a caring and supportive mother growing up. She raised me well. But, I realized when I was older is that my mom and dad don’t love each other. They were never affectionate with each other. They never bought each other gifts or remembered special occasions and shared them together. They rarely took trips together. I know my dad has lost it many times because he thinks my mom suppresses him. She probably does because he doesn’t give her much love. I don’t think they ever had a connection. So, life for them has been a downward spiral. Looking back, that is what I see. I certainly don’t want that. Another thing is, my mom was extremely against me marrying Alica. She even sent gifts back that Alica’s parents had given her. We almost got married without my moms presence. But, for some reason it all worked out at the end. I some times thing, did I rebel against that? Her being against my wedding made me always think, does she know something that I don’t? How much does she really know me? My dad was very supportive of Alica and I . As a result, my mom and dad had more to argue about, which greatly distanced themselves from each other. My sister is extremely different. She has practiced being a lesbian. But, I think she’s is denial of it now. She is strange in the sense, she is extremely private about everyday things. If I mention the every day things that she does with my friends, she’ll get really upset, saying I breached her privacy. She was a huge obstacle before the marriage. She didn’t tell us when she was arriving. She didn’t tell us that she was coming at all. There were many family functions taking place and we didn’t know if she was going to be in them. This added to the already stressful situation. It also cost us money and I wont forgive her for that. We haven’t spoken since the my wedding. I am trying to block her out because I just don’t understand her behavior. I’ll wait until she pops back into my life. I wont be mean. But, I have no desire to contact her.
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Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: MY THOUGHTS
So, one thing I fear is I may not know what makes me happy? Could that be a sign of depression? Why is that so? I didn’t grow up seeing love, although I got a lot of love from my parents. I know my relationship with my sister has always been rocky. Maybe because she didn’t know what she was and couldn’t get close to people because of it. Although, I would abuse and beat her up a lot when we were young. We would always fight. She may have resented me for that. As a boy, I would love to tease and fight. But, I think that’s normal for a growing boy.
I am trying to get some clarity in my life. I am the type to follow through with things, even if I am unhappy. I did this in college, finishing an engineering degree when I hated it. Then I ended up doing something completely different. But, you can’t do that with relationships. My personally is finish out your commitments. Is that the right thing to do. Oh, I am so confused, unhappy, and lost. My friends have always considered me a positive person. But, during this, I have not been. What the heck is going on.
If someone could digest the story above and give me some constructive suggestions or feedback, it would mean a lot to me.
Sincerely In need of real help, direction, and advice, AJ
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