Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP devochic: Again, I commend you for being proactive and addressing these issues head on before irreparible damage has occured.
I definitely agree that you should seek a counselor and discuss these issues with them. You have a lot going on in your mind, and sorting it now will help you be happier and healthier in the future.
I also had a few things pop up while reading your post.
I am pulling all of this out of my a$$ so please take it with a grain of salt.
You put a lot of emphasis on your parents relationship, and how you did not want to be in a similar relationship. I have to believe this at least unconciously puts a strain on your marriage. I have to wonder if you are continuously checking, analysing, worrying, to make sure you do not end up in a similar situation. I only mention this because think I might have done this in the beginning of my marriage.
You also discussed Dana ALOT. You may want to tame down your friendship a little. Beware of your emotions and who you are placing them with. It seems as if you are placing her on a pedestal, and your wife will never be able to measure up to that. Sometimes we make the what-ifs so much nicer than they really are. Just beware. My STBX had a similar friend, and he began sharing his feelings concerns etc with her and not me. Indirectly it drived a wedge between us, and to this day he can not comprehend why. In the end it is what destroyed us. It became an emotional affair. Nothing physical (according to him), but he shared his dreams with her. She was always understanding etc. But that was probably because when you don't live with people you tend to not see those things which are not so pretty...even with soulmates.
Let your wife know you are unhappy and going through a slump, but DO NOT discuss inadequacies with her. Not yet anyway. Wait til you see the counselor. I highly suggest a marriage counselor. And let them know in advance you are just searching for clarity. It is very interesting how counselors will sometimes push you in certain directions.
Lunch is over and I have more to say but have to go. But let me again congratulate you on taking a proactive step and confornting your issues/concerns head on. Good luck and god bless.
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: devochic, if you're trying to help, theres no such thing as talking out of your ass. Yes, I mention my parents and I dont want to become like them. But, at the same time, everyone in my family is very independent, even my Mom and Dad. So, we've learned to survive without being needy on one another. I am not saying my wife is needy, because she is far better than my previous girlfriends. I am quite social and in social scenes she doesnt demand my attention like past girlfriends. But, she has her needs, which sometimes make me feel, she's asking more than i can give. Then I think, is what she is asking normal, and I have inadequacies? or is she asking too much and she needs to calm down? If I have inadeuacies, is it because of my upbringing in my family where everybody is relatively less dependent on on another.
I did see phychologist. I'll admit, I don't like dealing with these people because I feel like they're counting every minute and penny. I don't think I am clinically depressed. But, there could be a chance I could get there if I don't end up in the right direction.... a fear of mine.
Dana is important to me. But, I dont share myself like I do with Asha in terms of my deeper feelings. Dana plays tennis and I like to play tennis. Asha doesnt. So, I play tennis with Dana. Should I play tennis with someone else? Well, my view is Asha is comfortable with it and I make her feel comfortagble with it. So, its ok. So, I dont think I am scewing anything up. or am I?
One thing that I have done, but I am learning not to do is bringing up some of the inadequacies in our relationship. I am learning to shut my mouth better every day. But, when you in a world of I am damn if I dont talk, and I am damned if I do. I dont know what to do? so, thats why I am writing it out all here.
-ME
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP OldSchool: Hi Surviver, that was quite a setting you've laid out for us about your marraige, childhood, past relationship, and other viewpoints. While I was reading your post, my overall thinking was that you have really put a lot of thought into this. I'm not sure what I could say to help you, but I'll do my best.
First, there were reasons you married your current wife, and if you see some warning signs about yourself then there's nothing wrong with asking these questions. I might've come to some conclusions faster if I'd asked my own. When you speak of the physicallity of your current relationship, it doesn't come off very positive. You're comparing a previous relationship to what you have now. It's going to be different, however, you do feel love for her when you're intimate. I see what you're saying, but there's ways of encouraging someone's weaknesses by communicating this to her. When I say a weakness, I'm only implying that she might be uncomfortable with herself physically as well. Do you think this could pose problems for you continuing this relationship?
The second thing I see most glaring is your contact with your ex-girlfriend. Although it may seem innocent on the outside, but it could hamper your relationship with your wife. I have no idea how much you contact your ex, like call her once a week, month or 3 months... To me I don't see what you'd gain from continuing even a friendship with your ex with your wife now in the picture. Do you talk about intimate details of your marraige? Have you disclosed to her what's going thru your mind as you contemplate things now? Maybe this is adding to your confusion, but like I said I have no idea... just my 2 cents.
Now I've been divorced for a little while, so I already have seen a bunch of my shortcomings stemming from my own marraige. If you are uncomfortable opening up for any reason... and I mean any reason, then you need to do whatever it takes to make yourself open up. If you think that you may hurt her by telling her something YOU may not think she wants to hear, then shame on you. She does need to hear things. She chose you as her mate for LIFE. You can't hold back... you cannot hold back. I'm telling you from experience that it'll come around and bite you in the arse. It will.
My last opinion is about your wife being accepting of your ex. She seems like she's appeasing you... now even my ex would squint at me a little bit if I wanted to jog or play golf with another ex-girlfriend of mine. I'm saying you should play tennis with someone else.... but like I said before this is just my opinion.
I think you've been very articulate and consciencious of your feelings as well as your spouse's, and I hope that this span of time will help you make a decision that will both benefit yourself and wife down the road. I learned the hard way, that if you don't build a strong foundation of honesty, trust, caring, compassion at first, then the exact opposite will build and eventually can destroy your marraige.
take care,
OS
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP devochic: If you are keeping the important discussions with your wife I commend you for that.
And I do not even think you have to be depressed to go to a counselor. But sometimes they know the questions to ask. They can answer whether what you are going through is normal or not.
Good luck though. I truely wish you and your wife the best. Hopefully you are just stressing due to the shock of marriage and you are freaking out.
Here is a question.....did you live together before you married? Sometimes the jump to living together can wreck havoc on ones feeling of independence?
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: Oldschool, I want to make something clear. Yes, Dana is an xgirlfriend, but, she's the only one from the past I was in Love with. I've had other girlfriends with great physical relationships. But, I wasn't in love with them. Another thing I want to point out, which I failed to mention above is another reason I broke up with Dana is she would never sit still enough to give and receive affection. So, our intimacy was inconsistant. I am not physically attracted to Dana like the past. But, I do love her dearly as well. Another thing that makes my relationship work with my wife is she too talks with her xboyfriend. They are friends. With all honesty, it doesnt bother me one bit. And I dont say that to be macho. So here is Asha and me, two people that are close friends with their x's. I know this may sound awkward. But, I guess we're both not the jealous type.
Lastly, you mentioned to say how I feel to her even if it hurts. Well, I have recieved conflicting viewpoints on this on this site. You seem strong willed about this sentiment. Why is that so? If I tell her I haven't been physically attracted to her for some time because she doesnt take care of her health like I do, don't I chance putting her into a self-conscious mode? I've done it a bit already, i'll admit. I feel awful about it. So, I am scared to do it more. I can take criticism well myself. If she said I had a small penis, I would be ok with it. Maybe, I just like who I am to be thrown off course that easily. But, it seems women are more affected by that. So, with what I am saying so far, do you still feel its ok? What do you folks think about this and the above?
thanks, ME
Click More for the next page.
