Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: Oh, one other thing, I don't talk about my intimate life with Dana. I just don't go there. She does the same. Also, Asha doesnt live in my city. However, she saved a lot of money and was able to live with me weeks at a time with a few weeks away in between. So, in a way, I do feel we were living together somewhat before marriage.
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP OldSchool: Survivor,
Ok I'll back off a bit... maybe I assumed too much or went down the wrong path. If I offended then that's not was intended.
I didn't mean to harp on the point of just not connecting physically in bed, and you're correct that you don't just blurt out about her weight. That's not right, and let me clarify that there are ways around this issue. There are ways you can connect better physically, but you'll have to be honest with her as much as you'd like to improve this part of your relationship. It's about being honest and sharing your feelings... that's all I meant.
Now about the ex-girlfriend that I was speaking about, well that just doesn't fly well with me. I'm being honest and trying to be as constructive as I can here. On one hand it's great that you have a female friend that you've known for sometime and can do things with... great! But I don't think it's right to still hang around her, period. That's just my opinion... and you can agree or disagree... it's cool either way. Now my reason for that point of view is simple, you had a sexual relationship with her. Bottom line is there will be a level of tension there with you and your wife. If you disagree then fine... I understand.
The most important thing is how you and your wife get along. It's a simple question of whether you want to continue living with her as your husband... through sickness, health, for better or worse, richer or poorer. It's just that simple.
OS
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP surviver: Oldschool, I wasn't offended at all. I just wanted to make sure your responses are based on knowing all the information. I don't believe I gave the full picture. I appreciate your honest view. I don't blame you for how you feel in terms of my x. Most people would say the same. But, that part of my world, believe it or not, feels natural. Again, I am trying hard to learn more about myself and maybe through this, more thinking, and writing some more, i'll understand how all the variables link up and better manage every situation for the pursuit of happiness. I am trying and everyone here is helping. -ME
Re:JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP OldSchool: Allright, that' cool. As far as giving the whole picture... my god you've explained more about your situation in a first post than I've ever seen before. None of us really know the full extent of everyone's situation, only of what our viewpoints are.
The whole idea coming on here is to try and learn a little more about myself. I'm trying to be as honest as possible and I know you're doing the same. The thing that stands out to me the most is you're feeling this way after only 2 months. You do need to give this some time, and let things develop in your relationship. What your experiencing is a life-changing event. She is now apart of your world everyday and it can be a big shock at first.
When I first got married my ex and I moved in with each other after our honeymoon and it was different for a while to adjust to. The changes that were occurring in my life were admittedly scary but in the end very worthwhile. I enjoyed taking walks with her, ordering some za and while we walked to pick it up get some movies at the video store. That was our every Saturday night thing for like 2 years when we lived in our apartment.
I hope that you'll take something positive for coming on this site, because I did. Anyways, take care of yourself.
OS
Re: JUST GOT MARRIED & UNHAPPY?! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE & HELP Beetle: Mate - reading your story, I'm finding it almost mirrors mine exactly, and I haven't got married yet! I'm interested to find out where you are now in all this, as I've always thought I should be looking on the inside rather than the outside, but am not sure where all this angst comes from. I'm wondering whether it's the worthwhile cost of being with someone wonderful, and the fact that I need adjusting, or whether I'm setting both of us up for an unhappy life.
I haven't got family members trying to stop our relationship - in fact it's the opposite, but the stress added by the fact that there's only 3 weeks left now is making it really difficult to see clearly.
Is it possible that it's right - the inside matters more than the outside, but both are important? If one has to win - which one? If the inside wins, how are all my old prejudices affected?
Being a Christian might have helped in my case, but it adds a whole rack of other considerations and confusion, like divorce not really being an option to me, and not having God do convenient skywriting saying "this is OK - stop being a jerk!". I experienced exactly the same bipolar feelings when buying my flat, I was alternately convinced it was the wrong thing, then the right thing, and the commitment of marriage is 100 times that.
At the moment, I'm on track to get married, but my wonderful fiancee knows how up and down I feel, and I wish the whole thing was the soft focus ecstacy it's made out to be!
Has time changed how you're getting on? A chap called M Blaine Smith wrote a book called "Should I get Married?" which has helped me stay level so far, and I know it's probably a bit late, but it might be worth a read for you.
All the best
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